Wednesday, February 27, 2008
So, tomorrow I will trek off on a plane with a few adorable friends, to meet up with more adorable friends. And, until Tuesday, we will laugh, swim, cry, eat great food and drink fantastic wine - and we will all cry when it is time to go home.
I love having real friends.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Many years ago, a website was started called EBU (don't ask). Over those years, a few of us knitted a very close group of friends who remain in contact to this day; even though the original website (and it's lunatic owner) have since faded away.
This week, we are all flying to a central location to have our annual meet up.
These friends of mine are some of the very few who know me. The uncut, unreserved, no holes barred me. And, what's even weirder - is that it seems that they love me as much as I love them.
This coming weekend will be one that is filled with much love, laughter and tears. We are a group of women who, on the surface, are 110% not the same; but once that surface is scratched, we are so similar of character it's eerie.
A few other close friends are making the journey down from Brisbane for, what one of our Coven friends have called my 30th birthday - and those people I adore also. One in particular, for reasons of her own, is unable to make it. Which disappoints me bitterly - but it's also something I completely understand.
But, she should know now that I do intend on making a special trip up there for a weekend of just the two of us. For she is the other half of me - my grace when I have none, my calming force when I am full of fire and the loving nature when I have none. She, not only understands me - she completes me.
Whilst this coming weekend will be yet another one I shall treasure forever - the weekend spent with her will be one that will change the world.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I turned 30 on the weekend. It was a weekend of goodbyes, hellos and oh wow; I am baccckkk.
Friday night I was taken out for Nepalese by 7 of my good friends. For my birthday, they had gotten me a candle holder that holds 7 candles - one for each of them. If I were a showing your emotions in public kinda gal, I'd have cried. It was such a thoughtful gift, and one I will treasure.
Saturday morning. Turbulence a-plenty. But, whilst the turbulence itself wasn't a big deal - my reaction to it was.
If you know me, you will know I am not a crier. I don't cry. I keep all that sort of thing hidden, for when I am alone. Anger, injustice etc - all I can do quite well in public; but get me even the teensiest bit vulnerable - and I am outta there. So, it even suprised me to realise that I was crying with such force, with such....purpose - in front of people. I sobbed like my heart would break and I sobbed some more. I could barely breathe for crying - but, when I did finally stop - I felt renewed. I haven't felt that way in an awfully long time and I will cherish that feeling - because it is a nice way to feel.
Having saturday afternoon to myself was pretty special too. I am not one for big parties and blow outs - I am an intensely private person and spend a great deal of my downtime alone through choice. So, to have a house, a bottle of red and beautiful music playing in the background was blissful.
Being 30 obviously makes you account for your decisions to date, as I wrote about earlier; but this wonderful cold uninviting Saturday afternoon gave me the perfect opportunity to clean out my room. I think this song is just simply beautiful; and it was on repeat quite a bit throughout the afternoon.
Cleaning out a room on your birthday???? I hear you wonder. Well, not quite. I have had a few "iss-ewes" that are many years old; and with my counsellor have always used the term "cleaning out my room" when I sort out my headspace. Because, for anything new to fit into a bedroom, there must be room for it. And, nothing new will fit into a bedroom if it is filled to the brim with crap. So, cleaning my room is something that, I find, cleansing.
I said goodbye to a lot of things that afternoon. That little girl lost who was looking for prince charming - the one who would chase all the dragons away. That perception that everyone else is perfect and I am this severely lacking creature that deserves little more than pity. That missing link that I used to believe was stamped on my forehead for all to see. Those wounds, created by (with hindsight) my own silly self. I said goodbye to all those silly ideals, those ridiculous pipe dreams, and that sense of failure that I seem to have carried with me throughout my life.
I also forgave a great deal. All those people who, for their own reasons, hurt me immeasurably. Myself, for hurting those who I have hurt along the way. Myself, again, for not trusting myself.
I feel whole again. Like my mind and my heart are working in conjunction with one another again. I feel as though I have come a full circle.
This week is the end of life as I know it. Not because anything is going to happen, but because it's the end of Shel that was. That confused, lonely, sad and lost little girl, appears to have found herself a liferaft that she never knew existed - and found a strength that everyone else can see but her.
Happy birthday to me. I gave myself the best present of all. Me.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
For the last few months, my friends and family are quite...funny about me not doing anything spectacular for my 30th. I've had constant "oh, so what are you doing for your 30th?" questions left, right and centre lately; and because I've said "not a whole lot; we'll go out for dinner on the Saturday night and go and see mum on Saturday morning" (Tis mums birthday too you see, what an excellent present I was... ;) ); I get these incredulous looks. Like "no WAY. You've just GOTTA do something for your 30th"
I do not. And I am not.
But. Turning 30, I have decided tonight is in fact a big deal. It is a huge deal; more important than 21 and nearly as important as turning 18. This age; 30, is the turning point whereby you become a real life grown up. I remember my mum when she was 30. I was 7. To put me into my mothers shoes and Riley into mine is really just too bizarre to contemplate really - but it's true. It's, by my definition - the beginning of being a real life grown up.
(Of course, I'm yet to turn anything higher than that; maybe when I'm 40, I'll see 40 as being a real life grown up but, until then...)
Being 30 is letting go of that beautiful stuff that memories need to be made of. To let go of them, to turn them into beautiful things to hang onto; to pull out and smile about. To start treating them gently and not trying to yank what they were into today. To do that would simply ruin it.
It is taking accountability for all decisions made to date. To take responsibility for ones actions; to in fact realise that one has ended up here for no other reason than oneself; be it good or bad.
I have an awful lot to be thankful for; and really, the last few days have, for various reasons, shown me a great big fork in my road of life. To infact know the grass is greener is one thing; but to really accept that is another. I chose this fork. I chose this and I chose who I have become as a result.
I think that is what I define turning 30 as. And I hope that these next 10 years are as filled with life, love, joy, heartache, sorrow and passion as these last 10 were. For, to live and feel nothing would be worse than not living at all.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Emotionally - well it's just all to hard to even think about, let alone write about. When I do make an attempt to put it into words, it sounds all wrong and sordid. Which, I guess, ultimately it is; but....
Card 4 (Indirect influences) - JudgementJudgement: Hermes is an image of a process which occurs at certian critical moments in time; a summing-up, when the experiences of the past are gathered together and seen as part of an intelligent pattern, and the consequences of these experiences must be understood and accepted.
Card 5 - Past Influences - DeathThe card of death implies that something must come to an end. Whether this experience is painful depends on the persons capacity to accept and recognise the necessity of this ending. The card of Death can agure an opportunity for a new life; if one can let go of the old one. Thus the fool, enters the underworld, leaving behind him a previous life, to prepare for an unknown future.
Card 7 - Base of the matter: Queen of swords (and this is SOOO me)Atlanta, the queen of swords, is an image of the aloofness and untouchability of the mind; which can hold to an ideal of perfection to the extent that all sensual concerns are excluded or devalued. The figure of the Queen is a cool one; because her perfectionism and her idenfitication with the masculine world of the mind and spirit fit her for friendship; but not erotic love. Thus, she is a regal figure, but also a lonely one, and this loneliness; often springs less from the circumstances than from a reluctance to allow anything too human to mar the ideal of perfection. These ideals may be noble and lofty; but they may also reject life, and be a defense agains the fear of being human and therefore vulnerable to hurt.
Card 8 - other peoples perceptions: 4 of cupsShows a time of dissatisfaction, boredom and depression within a relationship. There is a feeling of being let down, or cheated, although, the one who does the cheating is usually oneself because of ones unreal expectations. This dissatisfaction can lead to a long-standing resentment; or it can lead to looking more deeply at a relationship - a harder path because previous assumptions and fantasies will be challenged.
Card 9 - hopes and fears - Ace of swordsImplies that, out of conflict, some new creative viewpoint will emerge. The mental powers are awakening and this means a big change in one's life; the old order is threatened and conflicts are bound to arise. Ultimately, a resolution will be possible, but there is an inevitability of collusion and struggle before such a peace is in sight.
Make of it what you will dear readers - the tarot cards to me, provide another insight to the weird and wonderful world that is me. If it weren't for these cards, I'm sure I'd have been far far nuttier.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I have even scheduled a breakdown. How resourceful of me.
Just as something to leave you with - I found this site the other day;
I love the idea of it. I love the rawness and truthfulness of the words and the pictures together.
Maybe I should think about a postcard for postsecret.
Kevin Rudd, today, apologises to our stolen generation.
Many people think it's pointless and stupid and whatever. But, I am sorry that it happened. Whether it was done with the best of intentions or not is beside the point. Fact is, I'm dreadfully sorry that people were treated in that manner full stop. That hundreds of children lay awake at night wondering where their mummies and daddies were - to be told whatever furphy they were told.
It's about time we apologised.
And; we have. http://www.abc.net.au/news/events/apology/text.htm
Sunday, February 10, 2008
We received Rileys audiology results now that he no longer has grommets and - suprise suprise. He can't hear very well at all.
So, after 1.5 months, we know "properly". I say "D'uh" - but we have to get that piece of paper.
Anyway. When I call the specialist on Wednesday to discuss what we are going to do - his response was;
"Oh yes, he definately needs grommets. Only, I can't do them. I'm retired".
I am thinking, Okay, well surely his offsider can do it, or at the very least, he's got me in touch with another specialist to actually do the surgery.
So, I ask him as much.
"Oh no. You'll have to go back to Bill (my GP) and get another referral to another specialist. Of course, he'll want to look at him first and probably get another audiology report".
Honestly, I felt like screaming. Like a banshee. About how utterly ridiculous this is. My son cannot hear. It has been determined that he requires grommets again. With grommets, his hearing was 100%. Without them, it was 30% function. So, not a decision that requires rocket science. He's already had the procedure done before, so there are no issues there. We have a one week old audiology report. Yet, we have to get another specialist and get another audiology report before we can get the grommets put back in.
Obviously I am pleased. It's not very nice watching your son go backwards. That his language has just died. That his behaviour has just switched. That he's started 4 year old kinder. His confidence has just gone. It devastates me to see him like this - when one simple day surgery operation will fix it. And, that he has to go for at least another 2 weeks like this.
We are going to the GP on Monday to see what they can do. At the very worst, they can give me a referral to a specialist with whom I have an appointment on the 27th. But, if I can get in earlier to a specialist out at bloody tungamah south, then I'll be taking that. And they can write me out a referral to this guy.
Why can't getting a little boy to hear again be simple?
Friday, February 8, 2008
This was the sky about 20 minutes ago. It describes my mood to an a tee. On the edge of it all, there's a sense of calm and hope - but as it stands, it is still without direction. Beautiful though, no?
I did promise a photo of G's grey water system; please keep in mind that I am arachnophobic - and there was / is NO hope of getting me any further under.
Bloody hell it's blurry!! Sorry!
Anyway. Tonight, for me, is a night of having a catch up of a few of my favorite sites & blogs, and having an early night curled up in bed with an old book. Tonight, it is winter all over my life. Well, not winter; but a dreary autumn day - but with the promise of a fresh, crisp sunny day tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The year has started with a few ups and downs; mostly in the time stakes. Because R is at kinder longer, we have to shift stuff like swimming and speech therapy around. Except, that because we need to put his grommets back in, speech therapy is a wasted exercise. I need to call the specialist tomorrow and I am hoping that he can get them in ASAP.
G has rigged up a cool recycled water system. We did have a valve on the side of the house for the bathwater, and a hose going out of the laundry window for the washing machine water; but now, it's all neat and tidy under the house.
We found a wheely bin and turned it into a tank of sorts. It even has an overflow pipe!! So, most days, I have the ability to water my plants. I realise that recycled water probably isn't the best thing in the world for the vegies, but it's working and I am happy. I want to see our water bill this next bill - I have been utterly striving to get it down.
Electricity is my next challenge.
The stock standard photos for posterity...
I have no idea what that flower is, but my goodness it's tough. When we got home, it was nearly gone; but now, it's back.
Monday, February 4, 2008
I don't know. I think I'd like to know where I'd have been and what I'd have been doing - as it stands, if I didn't have children, I'd have not cared so much about the earth - I'd have ended up back where my family are now. But, all the other stuff. Did I miss my sould mate along the way? Should I have ended up doing university at xxx?? Or should I have done YYY???
I adore my life. In trying to make it simple literally; things appear to be falling out of both my heart and mind. I look at Rhonda over at http://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/ and just hope that my life one day ends up so simple. I wish my life and my mind could be so simple. Love simply, laugh simply and live simply - that would be my life motto. And, I guess, it's something I have been trying to acheive these past months. I just don't know that my mind is catching on.
I read my tarot cards the other night. Yes, I know, you're probably giggling over your cup of coffee wondering WHY in gods name does this nut read tarot cards?? And I shall even answer that question.
Many years ago, I was lost. Lost as in utterly, completely. Inside, I felt like I was wandering alone in a forest; not having a clue where I was coming from or where I was even going to. My mum gave me these cards to give my life a bit of a different perspective. I am not one to talk about my feelings - allowing myself to have someone have something over me is a huge feat. So, the Tarot cards give me a different perspective - take me out of my own head, if you like, without telling a soul anything.
Since then, my cards have been an important part of my life. They are not, in my humble opinion, something that can be done every night and each card taken as gospel. They do not predict the future; nor do they really give any forebearing as to what is coming.
For me, they are just an alternative view of the same problem. By reading the cards, in their positions, and applied to whatever it is I am thinking about, give me an entirely different perspective; without having to feel vulnerable.
For what it's worth, I'm still lost. On so many different levels I'm lost. But the difference between then and now, is that some parts of me are found. Not found in the sense of Oh bugger, there's my earring lost - but in a more this is a part of me type found. I am finding bits and pieces of myself again - and putting that one special piece of me that will never be anyone elses up on a shelf. To look at with a tear in the eyes, and to remember all that could have been.
If I'd only had foresight and trusted myelf.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
I feel so similar. My life, mostly, is wonderful. I have a fantastic husband and two glorious kids. I am happy, healthy and we have created a life that, mostly, I adore. Something that I don't want to change for the world.
Yet - sometimes I still yearn. For the excitement and the adrenallin that was a life gone by. Sometimes my life is a big case of "is this it??" Is this what it's all about? Because, if it is, it's fucking boring.
I remember not 10 years ago where my life was a rollercoaster. The initial passion and curiousity; that heart fluttering every time he called and going out every Friday and Saturday night. Where didn't matter. Only that we were. We would laugh and giggle and meet up with hundreds of friends; and have a ball.
These days, it's more monopoly on a Saturday night with a few glasses of wine. What is with that?? Sometimes, I have this irrepressable urge to just flip out and go nuts for awhile. That is when I start getting so lost in my thoughts that I need to correct this overwhelming sense of melancholy - usually with alcohol. I say dumb things I shouldn't and ring people that should be long forgotten.
The next day though, I feel like a cyst has burst. Relief that, again, it has passed without destroying anything. That I have fought it off yet again - that irrepressible urge to just flip my entire life upside down and to see where I end up. Except, I could never do that. Not to the boys.
So, I get busy. Work until I am sweating like nothing else; mindless, numbing shovelling, digging and planting. Redirect that energy where it will be best used.
Which leads me onto my next topic. My backyard. It is clean, sorted and all planted out, ready for another season.
When we got back from our holiday, my poor garden was looking awful. But, working three days and specialist appointments caused my darling garden to take a slight backseat. Until this weekend.
Like a demon I sorted out the shed (in which G helped; otherwise, there'd probably be nothing left!!), weeded, turned over all the mulch, fed everything and planted some new vegies.
Looking at it tonight gave me such a sense of achievement. Which is far preferable to where else my feelings could have taken me.