and the beat goes on......

I have re-read that last entry; and it's nice to know that it wasn't as 'blah' as I thought. Usually on my blog, I will simply keep typing and then press 'publish'. I'm not one for editing much of anything; although I probably should. I type as part of my job, so mostly, punctuation/spelling mistakes are edited as I go. I couldn't stand just typing and then having to go back through correcting myself!!

I am feeling better about things every day. Not 'oh what a feeling' type of better; but I have definately found some accountability and responsibility for me. It's bizarre just how often I have excuses for things. I'm trying not to do that anymore.

I hired a treadmill the other day and have been using it nightly / morning, so that probably accounts for some of my upbeat mood. I used to walk 4km most mornings before G went to work; but since he's been gone, I haven't been able to. Sure, I could leave the kids here whilst they are sleeping - but I'm pretty sure DHS would have something to say. Although, I would bet I'd break a time record!!

Weight is finally moving down again! I lost a fair bit of weight (10kgs) 18 months or so ago and I haven't moved in the last 12. I've been walking the line though and I know precisely why I haven't moved; I'm suprised I haven't gone up!!

When I lost those 10kgs I felt amazing. So empowered, strong & proud. I felt less self concious and more positive than I remember feeling. So, I think I stayed there. Didn't go either way, but enjoyed that time.

18 months later though, I feel icky. Too big, too unfit and too unhealthy. So, I'm aiming for the next 10. And when I get there, I'll probably hang out there for 18 more months!! ;) I enjoy savouring that sense of acheivement - what can I say!!!??

The kids and I had a great day yesterday. We lolled around the house and played outside, and then a girlfriend came over with her 3. Riley went to kinder & Connor came outside with me and helped sweep until he went to bed.

I have missed my children so much. Not literally; christ, they are with me nearly all the time. But, emotionally. Because I've shut up shop for so long, I feel as though they haven't been getting me. Just some imitation.

It's all about me for a little while.

I will try and get some photos of my garden shortly - all my vegies are growing!! Although, I must find out when Beetroot looks ready to pick - I've never grown it before, and I have no idea to tell when it's ready for picking!!!!

So much & so little, all at the same time

Yesterday was a lovely day. Nothing exciting happened, but it felt as thought I am seriously tetering on the edge of a whole new world.

The last 6 months, for me, have been nothing if not interesting. Theres a whole lot that people who read this know, and a whole lot that I haven't posted that has happened; and finally, I think I can say that I've made it through the jungle of fuck-ups - and I think I may have just made it to the other side.

Jenn often talks about chasing the gleam. And, although it's not quite what I mean, the explanation will do for now.

I keep searching for more. More everything. Not stuff, but emotions. Which, in theory, is probably not such a bad thing. Obviously it allows us to question what we have, and use it as a basis for comparison and acceptance. But, last night, in my thoughts, I realised this;

What if I am searching for something that I already have??? What if I am simply not looking hard enough?

So, I did. I thought about the love I feel for my children, the love, loyalty and support I have from my husband. Even the love I have from my dog. The security I have in my home, and the fact that finances are not a huge issue in our house. The fact that I can call my parents, anytime, day or night, about anything (ok, well if I called and Dad answered, he'd say - and has - 'don't panic....I'll put your mother on) and know they will be there. The fact that I have friends, true friends. And I am INCREDIBLY loved. I am INCREDIBLY needed and I am INCREDIBLY valued by many around me.

I often write about how sad I am, or how hard done by I am. And, for the past 20 years, I have been actively trying to step on that part of my persona. It does no one any good, and quite frankly, it's boring. No one needs to hear the self indulging whines that seem to be really easy to hear sometimes.

But, in all the trying not to become a person who is too busy looking backward to see forward - I have become one anyway. And, as usual, the answer is sitting right in front of me.

Having had this revelation, and feeling so wonderful, makes me question the validity of this blog.

Do I need it?

I mean, it's not as if I write for anyone, although I do sometimes talk to those who might be reading it. And, if I don't need it; then what's the point?

For the minute, I am definately keeping it; I like it and I know I will regret it if I push that 'delete' button. But, what this blog started out to be, has finished as something completely different.

For now, I am going to assume that I have everything. Actually, correct that, I am nearly 110% sure that I do. There are things that I want for myself, but now I can see them so much more clearly. I can now see how they are possible.

My self esteem is a big issue in my life; it always has been and always will be. But, instead of simply accepting that 'no, this is NOT possible for someone like you' - I am going to change my thinking a bit. Instead of accepting this voice without question - I am going to challenge it. Not literally, but always assume that it's wrong. Because, if *I* don't know what is possible - how can some stupid inner voice?

This has been a great big disjointed post and I do apologise for that. But, if I didn't get it out, I was going to burst.

So, with a clarity I have never known before, I move forward past the next great challenge of life. And, instead of dreading the next one - I look forward to the challenge.

This section is finished. And, I can finally put it on the bookshelf and add it to the others.

Dreaming my dreams...

I dream such weird things. I have scary dreams, happy dreams, sad dreams....but sometimes I wonder.

Last night, amongst other things, I dreamt that my snow peas had all grown and I hadn't picked them, so they were all icky. Beyond even saving for seeds. No biggie, but I wonder if it was a reminder to check my vegie patch today.

Sometimes I dream of spiders. And, I have been known to give people heart attacks with my screams. I once dragged a girl from her bed by the hair because 'there was a MASSIVE spider under her bed'. Yeah...ooookaayyyy. I went straight back to sleep - the poor dear spent the night awake terrified.

Are dreams your subconcious? Or, is it just an overload of your imagination, coupled with a few literal bits and pieces thrown in for good measure?

Sometimes, even *I* can see what my dreams mean. I mean, I'm pretty literal as a person, but even more so in dreams. Spiders? TERRIFIED of them. Walking the front yard at 3am because my dogs escaped? Obviously that's me not wanting to lose them.

But sometimes, sometimes I have dreams. Dreams that fill me with such a sense of sadness and loss. Not the dream - but the waking. On waking from one of those dreams, I'd give my life to be back there, if only for another 10 minutes. They make me question me. Everything. Like I have completely drawn a blank in the life straws, and I'm somehow devoid of this feeling in waking life.

I wish I could explain it better. Because, I'd love to know what other peoples dreams are. Do you wake up and wish to god that you were still in [i]that[/i] dream?? What happened? Is it trying to tell me something? Or, is it just my imagination?

It's not even the dream per se - it's the feeling. It's awesome, inspiring and honestly, my heart skips a beat when I think of it. And, it's not that I dream the same dream and get the same feeling - it could be one of many things. But, it's that feeling I covet.

But, in amongst those deep and meaningful dreams, there are these pearlers;

'Mummmmm....there's a bird in my room.....'
'Shel, you're dreaming. Where are you??'
'I don't knowwwwwww......but there's no one here'

And (mental picture of me sitting on G in the middle of the night)
'hang on, I can't get over'
'Shel, WTF are you doing?'
'Well, YOU asked me to drive, I'm trying to get into the drivers seat!!!'

I'm a psychologists dream aren't I??

Marshmellow man...

Is precisely what I feel like. Bloated, icky and generally all round unhealthy. All this junk eating, alcohol drinking has taken it's toll.

Yummy food and Baileys have a lot to answer for here at the minute.

Time for a long hard look in the mirror again.

Happy freaking birthday MIL.....

The weekend away was everything I expected it would be. 6 of us had an absolute blast – even though it rained the entire time. The other four; whinged. Well, not even the four really, but the two SIL's…I swear I could've punched them both square in the faces.

I can do shitty, I can do upset and I can even do disappointed. But, I can NOT do rude. And these two, were DAMN rude.

We all met up at the local pub on arrival – the two girls were already rather miffed at eating only at a pub. And, it wasn't even a silent miffed; snide comments were dropped and even G's dad was called a loser for not 'picking something more upper class'. Great darlings – it's not like you were paying for a damn thing.

And the meals were fantastic. Seriously. They, of course, were bistro type meals, but they were nice, hot and the owners were lovely. We all got at least 2 rounds of drinks each given to us by the proprietor; he was just a lovely guy. Open fireplace, cosy atmosphere and a whole lot of laughs – I don't think G's mum could've wanted much more for her 60^th. And, given they come from a tiny country town; I believe she was in her element.

The next whinging agenda was the beds. Since the place was booked, it was 'first come first served'. Only FOUR bedrooms had ensuites and queen sized beds. The last room had some single beds, a fold out double couch and had to share a bathroom. God forbid. So, they were miffed at having to share a bathroom.

But, the night was a massive laugh for the rest of us. We didn't get to bed until 7am and we were giggling right up the stairs. I think we were all giggling ourselves to sleep.

Because of our fun night, we all slept in (I know, ME sleeping in was scary in itself, but for me to get up at 1.30pm was astounding!!). We woke up to rain on the roof and realised it had been raining all day. Which meant, poor huey and duey didn't get to go shopping on the main strip as planned. They were miffed at us sleeping in and left an adoring note 'gone to have a pedicure, we're sick of waiting for you lot. We're not here to get drunk and sleep all day, even if you are' This was addressed to G's MOTHER. So, that pissed me off somewhat.

Once we'd all gotten up and organised, we took a tour of the maritime museum. We were all rather interested, but G's mother especially so. So, we did that and then huddled up under a couple of umbrellas and braved the trip to the bakery. The food was to die for, and the rain battering down outside made it all the more cosy.

After some afternoon tea and drinks, we started off for our dinner destination. Evil SIL's husband was meant to book for the 10 of us; but unfortunately he never did. So, rather than trapse all around the town looking for a table somewhere else; we decided to eat in the first place we saw that had room for us. Which, god forbid, was the pub again.

Both SIL's cracked the sads. Not just silently, or even quietly. 'I think it's disgusting that we can't even eat somewhere different' came out; and even an walk off in a huff. I was absolutely furious, as was G; but rather than start WW3 right out on the pavement, we bit our cheeks. I'll have you know that it still hurts.

BIL went after hissy SIL and placated her by taking her somewhere else for dinner. By this point, the rest of us couldn't have cared less whether they were even THERE or in Africa. But, I think other SIL was dirty because she didn't get placated by her husband. I'm at least pleased with him there; because I'd have told any partner of mine to jump on their heads if they behaved that way in front of my family.

So, by 10am yesterday, they were outta there. Good, was my first thought.

The rest of us had a lovely seafood lunch, a nice walk along the beach and then a nice relaxing drive home to pick up the kids.

Talk about picking friends and not relatives – if they were my relatives, I'd have hung the pair of them. If I see them again, it'll be too soon.

And, poor G's mum. Her 60^th birthday weekend ruined because of two spoilt little bitches. Well, not completely ruined, but dampened.

I hope karma makes ones hair fall out and the other ones eye lashes fall out. That'd be nice.

Complicated

I am sure there is a reason why I ended up having children.

They are to keep me fighting.

I'm positive of it.

Life can just be so....complicated.

Mothers day and weekends away

Things over this side of the world are plodding along nicely. Given I've taken no photos in the last, I don't know, EON, you're just going to have to put up with my incessant ramblings without pictures to break up thy ramblings.

I am almost ashamed to admit my biggest want for mothers day. I feel awfully guilty for wanting it, but nonetheless, it's something that I am beginning to need. Time out.

I love my kids. Please do not get me wrong. But, being 100% parent for the last 8 weeks is really starting to take it's toll. G pitches in when he's here; but he's also aware of how little he sees them. So, rather than be 'bad cop' parent - he always chooses 'good cop'. And, I am stuck with 'bad cop'. When, during the week, I have to be both. The children run rings around me when he's home, and honestly I cannot stand it.

This next weekend brings a weekend of child free time for both me and him. But, whilst we lose our children; I get to be in the company of some other children. Although, they are not considered children by their age; they certainly are due to their behaviour.

My family is weird. Granted. They are the material gods; those whose lives depend on the stuff you have. And, the more stuff you have, the more important you must be. My sisters photo is in Wikipedia under the 'spoilt little brat' definition. Because of that.

But, I digress.

G is one of 4 boys. That means, (because none of them are gay much to my disgust) that there are 3 other females that we regularly must spend time with. And, seriously - I have decided to pick their future wives for them. Because, they are hopeless in doing it for themselves.

Oldest - Married a pure psycho. I mean, you think I am organised. Bah. I once babysat her two girls and was given the list. And on that list, was the order in which certain events were to take place. It went something like as follows;

6.05 - Bath Children
6.15 - Child #1 bottle
6.20 - Child #2 cup of milk
6.25 - Both children story
6.30 - Child #1 - change nappy
6.32 - Child #1 bed
6.40 - Child #2 - change nappy and find special toy
6.45 - Child #2 bed

And that is SERIOUS. I did ask what happened if Child #1 took longer than 5 minutes to have her bottle; but the look of disgust I received was answer enough. Obviously that didn't happen.

So, anyway. He married her. She turned into even more of a nutter, until he got to the point where he couldn't stands no more. 4.5 years after they separated, they finalised the divorce. Her settlement, after 4.5 years of fighting was something like $35K less than what he originally offered her - and she got the added bonus of the ridiculous legal fees that came with it. Over stuff like "he can't take the children to the farm - there might be fires up there". Ironically, there was a fire around her place that very same weekend.

You get the point.

He is now with normal woman, whome I adore. We have a ball together; she is similar to me, and me her and we have lots of fun together. Thank GOD he met her, because she is about the only good thing arising from this 'weekend away with G's family'. Oh, and G's brothers; whome I also adore; but despise their choices in women.

Brother #2 - Married mrs 'I am a perfect person, parent and IL. No matter what anyone says, I am perfect and what I say must be right because if I think it, it simply must be right'.

All I will say about her is that she thought gumnuts came off wattle trees. Yes, she is Australian. And blond.

Brother #3 - Isn't married yet, but he mayaswell be. They have a *cough* firey relationship at best; and rather than count up all the goods vs bads and walk away - they had a child. 4 weeks into that delightful child's life, she threw out the 'if you ever leave me, don't ever think you'll see your daughter again' line. Noice huh?? And, I know it's true, because she bragged to me about it. They are now pregnant with #2 - which was an accident. Thank christ it was an accident, because I'd have thought a whole lot less of Brother #3 if he planned to give this woman his other testicle. And, his house. But, he's done that already; because, as she put it so nicely 'I'm not fucking moving out; I have his child. Let him fucking go'. Lovely girl no?

Girls from brothers #2 & #3 do NOTHING. At the farm at any one time, there are 20 people. Yes, 20. when you include all the children and all the couples and G's parents, there are 20 people to cook for, clean up after, and generally keep happy. It is the very reason why so much red wine is consumed. But, not only do they not help with anything; they don't even look after their own kids. All those left behind in the we feel it right and good to help cook dinner for 20 people are also caring/sorting/cooking/cleaning up after their children too.

Anyhoo. MIL cannot stand either of them. Which, I think, the feeling is mutual.

So. This 'weekend away to relax, unwind and have fun' will entail girls #2 & #3 who will do nothing, whinge about everything and not participate in one single way. It will also entail MIL, whose birthday it is, drinking far too much than is required. Which (I hope) will lead to a great big shitfight between the three females. Whilst me & girl #1 sit back, drink our home made Baileys and heave a great big sigh; and rejoice in the normalness that is us.

Yay. It's nearly not worth leaving the children at home for. But, a weekend without the kids is still a weekend without the kids. And, at the moment, I wish it were fathers day. Because, then I could openly state that all I wanted was to be left alone.

But anyway; I shall go back to bed now, and pretend that I haven't been up for the last 1.5 hours; so the darling chilluns can come in screaming 'happy mothers day'. Give me their delightful presents (which they are, they've both painted / stuck hands in plaster things and I have a delightful wall in which all painted/plastered tiles go and I've been wanting to add to it for awhile), and we will have a big family cuddle.

Then, it's off to the land of the material gods for a brunch. And, $20 says my mother will be all sniffy because we only got her a book, a candle and some flowers. But, when we ask her what she would have liked - she'll say 'nothing. I have everything I want'. Don't you just love family??

Happy mothers day to everyone; and may your day be truly lovely. And, get back to basics; because it's what I'll be doing.

Kinder Duty

I had kinder duty yesterday and though it would be interesting to take Connor. Usually, I am very lucky in that I can leave Connor with someone and spend the 3 hours with Riley and Riley only. Given his first term performance at kinder (pre-grommets), I was very interested to see how he was going. But, I thought Connor would have a ball, and there was a mothers day thing on; so I thought what the heck.

Did he have a ball or what. Here the kids are, playing "whats the time Mr Wolf" - and heres buggalugs - not even 2.5 - yelling out to the 4-5 year olds what time it is. Not that he was supposed to - but geez it looked adorable to see!!

Riley is going so well. His teacher and I got a bit of an opportunity to chat yesterday and she is over the moon at his progress. She feels that he is more than ready for school, and that these grommets make all the difference to him.

It's just nice to see him happy. Involved with the kids and trying new things. When Riley got his grommets the first time at 3 (nearly 4), his friend told her mother "mum, Riley doesn't talk Chinese anymore" - which, to me, summed up his experience without hearing.

Imagine trying to learn an entire language; but only being able to hear part of it. In order to communicate with these people, you require a whole new language; but, those people you want to talk to are only learning aswell. I imagine it would be awful for every aspect. But, before Riley got his grommets, I had no idea just how much of him it affected.

His confidence took a big nosedive. He couldnt hear enough to feel confident to try new things. He didn't hear the instructions properly and he didn't quite get why. So, instead of making himself look like an idiot, he just stopped. "I can't" became his mantra and "no, I don't want to" became his response of choice to group activities.

Seeing him now though - my heart just swells. Whether it's my fault for not picking it up earlier, or whether it's just life - that is something I grapple with constantly. But, at the end of the day, it's not something I have had to live with; I have only had to support it. So, my issues don't really come into play.

His speech is now completely age appropriate and his behaviour reflects that of a 5 year old. Truly, I couldn't ask for anymore. We will continue with speech therapy and his social activity on a Saturday until the end of the year; but only because I can't see how it hurts him. He enjoys it, he gets something out of it and I don't feel you can overdo something like speech therapy.

As for Connor - he will adore kinder next year. Although, he was so tired last night, Lamb racks for dinner turned into toasted sandwiches and fruit; he had a ball and it was truly a beautiful thing to see. Confidence in a toddler.

Bugger Batman...

I wanna be Captain Flamingo!!

My 5 year old's newest favorite superhero.

Apparently his favorite colour has now changed also. Silver, I'm told.

Yesterday, it was red. So, please forgive me for thinking it was again today.

A true reflection? I so hope not.

The two most widely read newspapers in the state. These, my friends, are their headlines.

The Age - it's biggest worry in the world now is the fact that Sam Newman 'fondled' a plastic dummy.

As for the Herald-Sun - dram-ER's a-plenty down here folks!! Jennifer Hawkins didn't wear underwear yesterday so that she could avoid the 'VPL'.

With everything else the way it is; Peak oil, rising petrol, drought conditions, people getting murdered, children getting abused....you'd think these people could find something else to write about.

If this is the expectation of todays media and a reflection of todays attitude; we're all fucked.