Life goes up, life goes down. Life goes up.....

I am shocking with this blog. A week has nearly gone and here I am again. Life has just been too up and down for me to sit down and blog. I have a few things I've taken photos of, and hopefully today might even be the day where I update them.

We've been up and down this week. I had a 'statue' day on Thursday (you are ALWAYS either a statue or a pigeon - some days you might be the statue, other days you are the pigeon). Usually, when I have a statue day, I spend the day fighting the inevitable and attempting to somehow turn myself into a pigeon.

But this time, I accepted the statue and worked with it. Everything that could go wrong, did; but I changed the mindset. Instead of cursing all that went wrong; I was very accepting of it. And continued on. By the end of the day, whilst I wanted the day to end, I was pleased that, even after everything going wrong; I did pretty much what I needed to.

I was very disappointed yesterday. It was meant to be sunny and 18. But, it was cloudy and all day it looked as though it would rain. So, the mulch I was going to order didn't get ordered. But, Spring is not even here yet (MONDAY!!!! :) ); so I still have a bit of time.

My winter vegies didnt' work out as wonderful as I expected; my broccoli worked, my snowpeas are flowering - but my beetroot was tiny and my carrots were just little dumpy things. I expect that it was because I overfed them. But, soon, I'll start getting ready for summer crops and, from experience, they do MUCH better. Considering last year I got no broccoli whatsoever, I'm at least improving!!!

Learning new things

I have been very busy of late. Doing? Not a great deal. Well, no, I won't say that; but I've been pottering.

I've wanted to post sooner; but I wanted to have something that I have finally accomplished to show. It has taken me about 20 years to learn; but I can finally say that I can knit.

It's not great yet – but I can DO IT. I am ¾ of the way through what, I have decided, will be a new bed for our cat. Only because the colour of the wool truly is awful; and I have a few holes in it for it to be anything fantastic. Hopefully I will finish it in the next few days, learn how to cast off and then I will take a photo of it.

This weekend we went up to our friends property. T'was very nice to catch up after too long – they used to be our neighbours, but have moved out on an acreage 6 months ago. I wished I'd taken my camera, because there were some really pretty sights to see.

I got up early, as I always do, and went for a meander. It was a mild morning (which surprised me because it was bitterly cold the night before) and it was really clear. You could see for miles. All the farm animals were waking from their slumber, ready for a new day. And, it got me thinking.

Animals have no expectations. They don't wonder what is coming (at least, I don't think they do); they just take it as it comes and not think about things too much. It is something I think I need to learn from them.

On my way back, I saw a mother kangaroo and her baby, eating grass in my friends front yard. I'd have been, maybe, 5 meters from them and it was really humbling to see that these wild animals couldn't have given 2 hoots about me.

It was nice. Something that I really needed; a sort of rejuvenation, if you will.

I came home with a new purpose. To not think so much, to simplify and to stop worrying about what I cannot change. Whatever will be, will be regardless of how much I worry or think. To not worry does nothing except allow my mind to focus on other things. And, for me, at the minute, is me.

This blog has turned completely into what I never wanted. A verbal blah fest with me whinging and carrying on about all sorts of things. But, while I know that people read it, it's not about them. It never HAS been about them. So, on thinking whether I should say goodbye to blogland and hello to my journal – I have decided to not. If no one reads my blog, then really, I'm not worried. I wasn't worried when I started this, so I am not worried now.

People I have never imagined reading this blog have contacted me with regards to it. And, initially, I turn all shy. Because, this is *my* world and I am nervous that people I know are reading it. It makes me vulnerable. And god forbid Shel ends up remotely vulnerable.

But, on thinking – I'm not really vulnerable at all. They are my thoughts, feelings and stories; and I need to own them. Regardless of how childish, immature or personal they may seem. They are me.

So, that is what I have learnt this past week. Knitting, and to get over it.

The Basement

Check this out;

It's like postsecret for bloggers.

Makes you realise just how lucky you really are.

I spoke to my best friend last night. She lives in Perth now, and has no kids, so it's even harder to catch up with her.

I told her everything. I love having a friend who I can tell everything. She is one of very few that knows the good, the bad & the ugly of Shel. And, she loves me anyway.

We've been friends for 26 years. Obviously not so close as young kids; but as older children/teens and adults, she is the sister that my real sister could never be.

I am feeling better; I ate a carrot and a mandarin yesterday and kept the whole lot. Was pretty happy with that.

Today will be sunny, so Mr weatherman says. R has the beginnings of a cold and C won't be far behind no doubt. It was meant to be a day of playing with another group of children, but today, I cannot be bothered putting on my facade. I want my day with my kids, in my house. To wear awful tracky dacks and potter in the garden. To play 'cuzzles' (C calls puzzles 'Cuzzles' and when you try to correct him he says 'P...CUZZLES') and build Buzz lightyears with my kids.

There is bullying going on at kinder. I thank christ it's not my child being the bully or the bullied; but the poor child who is, is just a lovely (but shy) kid. Part of me feels as though it's none of my business; but part of me wants to tear the mother of this feral limb from limb. Because, I'm not so fussed with any childs behaviour - it is how it is dealt with that is a concern. And, put simply, she's just not dealing at all. Laughs it all off - which would be nice if he wasn't kicking, spitting, punching and rubbing this poor kids face into the sandpit. Calling him all sorts of names that shouldn't be in a 5yo's vocabulary, let alone be aired.

Maybe I'm a horrible mother, I don't know. But, I have effectively banned Riley from playing with him. I know that Riley is easily lead (because, after his isolation from his friends last year due to his hearing any friend is a good friend); but I will NOT have him behaving in any way similar to this other boy. Bad mummy? Maybe. But, the more kids this feral has next to him, the worse he gets, and the more this other poor kid will get. And, his mother is a good friend of mine. And I will NOT have my child hand out the treatment that was bestowed on him last year; for no other good reason but he was a little different.

So far, I haven't had to follow through with my threat to pull him out of kinder for a session if I find out he's playing with him. It's probably not even the most effective 'punishment' either; but Riley is ready (thank god!!) for school; and because he repeated, I have little qualms if he needs to miss a session to learn how to treat people. Some have gasped at my decision, but they are my thoughts on the matter. I'll wear the consequences of such a decision.

Fundamentally, he's a great kid. He cares, he's compassionate and he's a whole lot of fun. But, like I said; he's easily lead. Which, is a massive step forward from the child who would just cop whatever treatment was issued him. At least he'll now say that he doesn't want to do that/take that/say that. But, he is easily persuaded. All in the name of friends.

Did all these politics really start this early when we were children? Because, I fear it's getting worse and worse, earlier and earlier.

Sunday...the day of rest

I swear that emotional illness will metamorphis itself into physical illness.

I have spent the last 24 hours in bed; and I'm not far off going back again.

Yesterday was meant to be filled with laughter and catch up with some of my most beautiful and dear friends over far too much food at the most delectable Yum cha in Victoria.

Instead, I am sharing my life with the toilet.

If you could see the state of this house at the minute, you could be forgiven for thinking that I am a feral who lives in a hovel. G has done really well considering; it's been raining pretty much non stop here. And C, as you know, is a whirlwind at the best of of times.

My aims for today.

To stop sharing my innermost secrets with the toilet.
To, hopefully, resemble some sort of normal person.

that's it for today.

Mistakes

I'm sure it was Frank Sinatra who sang 'Mistakes, I've made a few'. And that's about it too.

Everyone has buggered up in life one way or another; whether it be big or little, large impact or small impact. But, the common thread for all of us, is that we A. have to live with them. and B. the need to accept the consequences of these mistakes.

A wise friend once said to me that a mistake is only a mistake if it is not learnt from. And, I agree wholeheartedly.

I feel as though there has been a massive shift in my thinking. Kind of like what I 'would' have done and what I have done. And, the difference in those two outcomes is a really big jump. And, whilst it's a little scary; it's comforting to know that it is this that, for me, has confirmed my leap into adulthood.

How long should someone pay for a mistake? Should it be punishable by disintegrating their entire lives? Cutting off noses despite faces? Because, that is what it would end up to be. Cutting off my nose despite my face. And, I'm a lot of things; but I'm not stupid.

Things happen. They will forever happen. Stupid decisions, bad reactions and changes to lives forever. And, it is nothing but more decisions and reactions that will get me out of this. There is no set path to the end; the twists and turns along the way are bumps along the road. Really, if you think about it, it is the twists and turns that define character and turned a life into a rich experience. And, one day, I am nearly sure I will be glad of such an experience. Because, it has changed so much for me.

I'm sure people will chuckle at themselves at my reasoning and my decision making; but it is not they who have to live with and by them. It is me. And, because it is me, I get to decide what *I* think is the best course of action for, not only me, but everyone else this mistake has affected.

So mote it be I guess.

Fake it till you make it

Today, I was busy. Extremely so. I kneaded, baked, prepared, cooked & then cleaned. I should've taken a photo of my kitchen during the cyclone that was Shel cooking.

First, I started with dog food. I used to buy the icky canned stuff for Harvey, mostly because I was a lazy sod. I used to have to make it all the time for Hoppy, due to his lack of intestine and stomach; but once he left, I got lazy.


So, for the better part of 2 months, my darling dog has been eating this;

An egg & a bit of oil for his coat and whacky doo. The meat is just a dog roll. I'm thinking about alternatives to that, but I figure with the rice and vegies, it's still pretty good.

Then, I decided to clean out the freezers. In them, I found all sorts of bits and bods; so I figured, what the hell. The kids are making food with the play doh, so I should do something constructive too.

Pizza dough. It's now in the freezer waiting for Saturday night when I am lazy and can't be bothered. I heart home made pizza dough; seriously, there is nothing better than a home made pizza. On these pizzas (once this rises, we'll get a large, a medium and 2 kids size pizzas) we'll put all sorts of yummy delights.

Then, the matchsticks. These are incredibly easy, and well reflect the culinary experience of my mother. These are about all my mother ever baked. She's an excellent preparer of food; but not so much in the baking. They are delicious too. Cut up some puff pastry, cook them; then sandwich them together with jam and cream. The kids love them. My hips don't. These will go to my mothers tomorrow; I'm scared to freeze the cream for some reason.

Good old fashioned sausage rolls. Except, I have a few more vegies in this one. Zucchini, carrots, onion and....for the love of god I can't even remember. I'm going mad from all this cooking!! But they are yummy. 48 of these for the freezer will make a few boys weekend lunches very enticing.

Orange and poppy seed cake. How good am I - I even put an orange on the top. The icing is that cream cheese and vanilla essence one - gosh how I heart thee. Again, something I won't eat; cake is not my biggest downfall. But, it will be good in G's lunch - and the kids don't mind it either.

You think that's all I baked today don't you?? Hah.

Banana loaf. Yum. Well, half a banana loaf anyway. I made it in an extra long loaf tin and cut it in half; as if the whole lot would ever get eaten at once. I omitted the egg on purpose. Usually, I unintentionally forget them and they've always turned out yummy. So, today, I had a no egg day. So, if you are allergic to eggs, this banana loaf works a treat. If I must post the receipe, please just ask. Because, unless someone cares, I'm not going to find the cookbook. I call it 'the cookbook for idiots', but I think it has a far more eloquent name.

And, last but by no means least - the standard spagetti sauce. Frozen in time until Monday - a work day. I was rather productive today wasn't I?? I got a whole lot done, and it kept my mind off a whole lot of other stuff.

Fake it till you make it - that's what I say. And, when you stop faking it - you'll know there's no hope of ever making it.

Black and white

I used to think some things were just black and white. Obviously, there were many grey areas in many things; but ultimately, some things are simply black or white. Yes or no, up or down.

The older I get, the more I realise just how many things have shades of grey running through them.

It hurts now. Not even as much as I thought it would; but that doesn't negate the feeling. But, I really think that, one day, this could be the best thing that has ever happened. You know, one of those things that needed to happen to end up where you do.

There's been a great deal of tears; but this path I have taken is not one I ever considered before. Maybe it's a grown up one, maybe it's a deluded one. I cannot know until I try; and if I don't move, this stagnation will kill me.

I think that's me at the minute.

Dont feel like dancing

I've been dancing around the subject of my blog this week. Not because I haven't wanted to say anything - but stuff has happened this week that I don't feel really comfortable posting about.

I can't dance around this issue. So, I must remain quiet.

But, things have changed forever. Good, bad or otherwise, I'm not quite sure yet; but I do know for sure that Shels axis has been completely tipped over.

6 Things

My first ever Tag!! I'm rather excited to say the least. Jenn has tagged me for 6 random things.

Here are the rules ...
1. Link to the person who “tagged” you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

In no apparent order;

1. I howl and spit and curse and cry when animal rescue is on.

2. Toasted cheese and vegemite sandwiches are nearly my favorite Sunday Lunch

3. I cannot abide rudness

4. When I am tired, the slightest thing sends me into a melodramatic scene of tears.

5. I adore time to myself

6. I am scared I'm not doing it right. 'It' being 'insert word here'

I hereby tag;

Lex
House n baby
S over at a little bit feral
Amoir - who won't do it, but hey
Sunny side up
Muser