Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Massive vegie patches and decades old fruit trees. Space for all our friends to come and stay; but small enough that it's cozy.
That 'ideal life' cog is starting to turn.
My whole life has been based around work. Not 'work' per se - but being close to it, being part of it. But, more and more I don't feel I belong there anymore. I'm not needed anymore. Which, is not in itself a bad thing; but I don't feel as.....tied to the place anymore.
G has always wanted to go home. He is a definate country boy; he'd go back there in a heartbeat. And, as he said; you'd have a hard time bringing him back if he ever did move.
But, there are so many positives. House prices for one. Sustainable living for two. I won't have to work for 3. The kids would grow up in the country for 4.
People have mentioned the lonliness. And, I probably will get lonely from time to time. But, I've never been social butterfly material; a few close friends is all I need. And, they will remain close friends.
G wants to go back home. Which is pretty far away (2.5hours); but closer to his parents. Which means, we'd still have support - and we have a few friends up that way. So, not completely isolated.
I have more and more moments of 'I'm 30 years old and I've barely lived. It's time to live'.
Petrol would be a problem; but with the relaxing of the finances due to a smaller mortgage and the lack of daycare - I can't see it being such a big issue. We have savings tucked away; not a trillion dollars, but enough to easily get us started. And I can always work (not that I want to!!!).
The boys grandfather would drive them to school each day on the school bus. The animals would adore it and I would have the horse I've wanted for so very long. My days (if I'm not working) would be productive for the most part and I am so sure I would feel...... home.
My family (my father in particular) will take this hard. No doubt. But, do I live my life for the sake of my extended family? Or, do I take the jump, into the unknown (to me!!) to do something that I really feel would benefit us as an immediate family? There's no question is there?
One year. At the most. We're out.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Please excuse the stupid car photos/pictures in the background; Grant is a big fan and (before we lived together) I used to think that these types of things made great presents. So, really, it's entirely my fault. But, I've learned and I've given him one room. If we had a bar type room, I'd be pleased for no other reason except having a normal place to hang this....stuff.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
About 6 months ago, my best friend of a hundred years called me and told me that, in three weeks, she was packing up and moving across the country.
No job, no house. Just a 'life change'.
Not weird for most people, sure; but Michelle??? The very girl who would colour her VCE subjects by colour? The girl who alphabetically organised her books? Move across country just like that??
I knew something was going on - but she didn't want to talk about it. Which was fine by me; but I did tell her that, regardless of what she said, I knew there was something else; and if she needed me, that I would always be there.
I did have my suspicions as to why she left; but I never voiced them.
Was I right? Oh hell yes. Smack bang on the money. Well, close enough to be smack bang on the money.
I called her last night.
"I think we need to have a chat, don't you??"
"Don't play dumb with me. Are you OK??"
"How do you know??"
"Gossip - I have many connections in this world darling; even to the mafia!! ;) Are you ok??"
"You don't hate me?? Especially after what's happened with you??"
"Nup - I'd already guessed"
"I'll call you next week when it's a.....better time"
"Does he know?"
"And you're OK??"
"Good. I love you and if you need me, you know where I am".
In other news, my kids have gone to the farm for a week in the holidays. You'd think they hated living here for all the enthusiasm they showed.
They'll miss me.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The rules are as follows;
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. List 5 things that could make your life very different should it come true.
3. Tag 5 other people.
I've played 'what if' for the most part of my life, for various reasons. What if xxx hadn't happened? What if yyy had??? Whilst I do like 'what if' games - I have also become acutely aware of the fact that, playing this game too much makes you analyse things far too much.
Something I'm good at. ;)
1. What if I hadn't gotten into the car that day? (This is the most well worn what if in my entire world, but it's not one I have considered for awhile).
This what if could change me completely. If I hadn't gotten into the car, there is not a chance in hell I'd be the person I am today. Even more scary - I'd probably be like my sister. This one choice changed my life entirely. And, for a long long time, not for the better. But, after a great deal of time, I have learned that this choice has moulded me (nearly primarly it was such an impact) into who I am and what I stand for today. I don't seem to really want to know 'what if' to this anymore.
2. What if the festival a friend and I were meant to be going to didn't get shut down that night? I often wonder this too - because it was such a chance meeting, Grant and I, that I often wonder (not so much where I'd be) who I'd be with. Would I have had children with this person? Or, would I have continued on my path of self hatred and dramatisation; not having that one (ok two, Amy is another) person who has that ability to pull me right out of that deep pit with real things - all the while me knowing just how much they care?
3. What if I hadn't spent the last 25 years blaming myself for something I couldn't do a thing about? I imagine that what if is a biggie; because I'm sure I'd be a whole lot more carefree and a whole lot less worried about other people and my impact on them. Which, is a good and a bad thing; depending on how you look at it. Would I have had the ability to command an entire rooms attention? Having that self esteem - that ability to not care (to a degree of course) how your actions and words affect others? And having that thought be, generally a dominate thought in each and every one of your actions - lest you somehow, accidently, cause something else awful to happen?
4. What if I hadn't met the Coven? I'm sure I'd have necked myself. Ok, maybe not entirely necked myself; but I'd not be the stronger person I feel I am today. These adorable, lovely, true people; all from different walks, perspectives and values - lend me their strength and thoughts so willingly. These people are some of the very few who I know I could say whatever I liked and they would never judge. I love them and I can't imagine my life without them. I don't want to play what if with them. Because I fear the answer.
5. What if I had taken that sliding doors option all those years ago? Well, truely? I think I'd be in the same place (albeit cosmetically different i.e. surroundings, location, children) as I am now. And it's great to see that. Not only that, but it's even better to feel that.
I don't even know who to tag who hasn't been tagged already. I will tag Colleen - who popped her head in to say hello earlier. So, consider yourself tagged.
Amy, muser & Shannon make four. Everyone else I 'know' has been tagged. If you want to be tagged; consider this wish granted!
I await the answers.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Given a fair proportion of Melbourne lost power at some stage yesterday, this is A. not rocket science and B. torture when you are making a wasted attempt at sleep.
We had no power last night. Was an excellent excuse to hop into bed and read a book.
Until those freaking recordings started.
I'm going to get my sister to start recording them; surely it's not so bad if it's someone else taunting you for most of the night?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
This is the kitchen. We prettied it up about 3 years ago - but every morning I come down to flick the kettle on and it looks like this. Why? So that each day starts off new. There is nothing to bog me down in yesterday - no old dishes, no bits and pieces on the bench; everything has been put away waiting for a new day. Of course, it gets messy (especially when I get my baking basket out!!) - and at dinner time, the kitchen is not the best place to be. But, when I have finished with it - I put it back the way I found it.
That is the pantry - just so you know I'm not so severely anal that I require psychoanalysis. Because, really, I don't. It's not me that spends hours looking for things!! ;)
C's room. There are no sheets on his bed because he threw up the night before; but usually, the cot is made too. Nothing makes a room look more together than a made bed I don't think.
Connors clothes live in the tallboy. There is also a built in wardrobe in the bedrooms, but at present, they are mostly for bits and pieces. Extra nappies, wipes, boxes of clothes (only three of those though) and shoes. The ironing board currently lives in Connors wardrobe - I have nowhere to really put the ruddy thing!
This shelf is full of all the beautiful and sentimental stuff that C has received since he's been born. We've had thousands of teddies come through here - but, over time, the Salvos have received them. There are a few up there - one Riley got him when he was born, a beautiful golly doll, and a few other odds and ends. The trinkets are there too.
If I want to sort out a room.... actually, cancel that. I don't know how in depth I'm going to go with this - whether I pretty it on the surface, or whether I delve in and share exactly how I do stuff. I feel like an utter wanker - but people want to know this stuff.
Should I divulge or just keep it pretty?
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Yeah, so it's not great. But my cat loves it and I am very pleased that I could actually cast on, knit the thing, and then cast off.
I don't know what my first official 'project' will be. Patterns seem to be written in some foreign language that I don't yet grasp; so any thoughts/advice about what to actually make that is easy would be greatfully received.
Not massive in many peoples worlds; but here, it's huge.
We played a game of 'Betcha can't draw...' and he did it. He's wanting to do it; and finally seems to be getting confidence enough in himself to do it. Big moment here.
Fathers day. Nothing big and fancy; just these and a homemade card. The frames were $6 from the reject shop - the photos were printed out and the paintings were done by the person photographed.
Pretty spiffy I think!!!
Today was a very blah kind of day. I'm all fluey, which is not too pleasant at the best of times; especially since it was a beautiful day outside. But, I didn't feel up to the gardening today, so spent the day pottering around the house. After a discussion with some friends on sterile living vs organisation, I thought I'd take you on a tour of my house. Just to show that organisation doesn't have to be a display home.Firstly; our bedroom. This is pretty easy to keep organised; provided the drawers aren't overfilled with stuff we never wear. I tend to keep on top of our clothes; I wash pretty regularly, so there is not an incessant need for heaps of stuff. I have clothes in the camping trailer for when we go camping - any old stuff gets rotated to there, anything in there gets taken to the salvos etc. The teddy bear on the bed was given to me by G on our first Valentines day (with aftershave that he thought was perfume, but it's the thought that counts!!). Hanging around his neck is a pendant. It was my grandmothers. It's beautiful.
The picture above our bed is the bane of my existence. It is a combination of my two favorite colours; but try and find a quilt set / sheet set to match it!! I'm thinking about dying a white set to match them; but I'm not quite that worried about it.
The bedroom suite was my mothers. I quite like it, although it's very 'formal'. I'm more of a natural timber type of person - but it does the job it needs to do nicely. Notice the straightener hanging off another cord - it's off and it's cold!!!
Our 'formal' loungeroom. Because we are sooooo formal. This is the room that the kids stay out of. It holds all my trinkets and bits and bods that people have given me over the years. There is stuff there from my best friend on our wedding day, stuff from my great grandmother and photos of all of us. You will notice on this tour, that the recurring theme is photos. I love having them around and the more the better.The study. Pretty simple, yet works. If you were to turn around, you'd see an inbuilt bookshelf full of all sorts of books. Mostly trashy chick lit at the moment; but some of my favorite books of all time are amongst them. Lots of refrigeration control manuals too - G likes to read up on how to fix things.
Lastly (for today) is the 'dining room'. We are not 'dining room' people. We have a big outdoor table (which will be posted in due course) and our lives are lived out there when it is warmer. So, when we moved here, I was not interested in having a shoebox area to stick a table and chairs in that we'll never use. We did contemplate enclosing it and calling it a study, but we thought, until we decide a proper use, we'll stick a couch in there and leave it. The couch folds out for our guests too.
I try and make a big point of leaving the house looking like this before I go to bed. Because everything in my house has a home, it's not a big job. I know you probably think that most of my cupboards must look scarily full of stuff, but I promise there's not.
The kids will get every toy they own out every day. We have playdoh out, painting and drawing. It's just that, instead of leaving it there; I make a big point of packing it away. And, truth be known, I've made life easy on myself in that way. But, I will show you that in due course.
Sure, the junk drawer gets messed up and the tupperware drawer ends up overfilling because stuff it dumped back in instead of being put back in it's spot - but for the most part, my cupboards are the same realm of organised as the rest of the house.
And having everything in it's place makes it really easy to clean. I don't have to move stuff around the house, I just lift what's there, dust/wipe under it and put it back. So, although none of these rooms have been cleaned in a week - there's no real impression of mess.It's easy to get organised; it's keeping organised that is the hard part. I'm just so used to doing it, it's second nature.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
It's easier at the moment because G is home; which means, at 5.45 each day, Harvey and I get out for a walk.
I have found, so far, that planning my meals works better than I expected. Sunday I wrote down meal plans for this week - and, honestly, it's been a breeze to follow. Whether it continues or not, remains to be seen.
I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being unfit. I want to be the best person I can be; in all manner of speaking.
Pics coming soon. I have taken a few, so it might be all one big conglomeration of organising, cooking & knitting.