Instead of being a big sooky la la about life; I need to jump in the deep end and change what I don't like. I know what I want to do; I know how to do it - now, all that's left, is to just jump in and do it.
The doing bit is the hardest. And, quite frankly, I don't even know why. It sounds easy on paper; eat this, do that and you will have your result in 12 weeks. But those 12 weeks seem to taper off - and they seem so damn long!!!
I need to make so many changes in so many aspects of my life; the weight is just the beginning. I can see though; once that comes off, so much more will follow. My headspace, my zest - many many things will be be possible.
I will admit here (nowhere else mind you!!) that I am scared. Of change. The habits of old, whilst obviously bad, are comforting. I like knowing where I'll be tomorrow, even if I don't like where that is.
And, I'm really REALLY starting to not like where I'll be tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And it is there that lies the problem. I can't like the knowing of something if it is no longer preferable to the unknown.
I have a funny feeling that these changes will turn my life upside down. And, I think that is where I am most fearful. I want to know what changes will take place - not the physical aspect, but the mental. What will I think of myself? My friends? My relationships? Will I still think and feel the same about them all? Whilst most of me really hopes so, there is a devils advocate in there wondering what if. And, if you are a long term reader of this blog, you'll know that what if and me do NOT have a great history.
But, I'm going to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I feel stagnant; backed into a corner and even that lucky last door is shrinking. This cannot be all there is to life.
Small changes are being made in small steps. I am starting to trust myself and find my direction (both literally and figuratively - I got to my friends all BY MYSELF on Friday night without getting lost and felt ridiculously proud of that) - and each time I do, I find a little bit more of that door opens.
The problem though; I simply don't fit. This fat person ain't going to fit through that new door.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
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2 comments:
Love to you Shel.
I just back tracked a bit and something that stood out to me was your comment about feeling sluggish or 'meh' and permanently hung over. Snap! Me too. It's been like cranking rusty, grinding gears into motion but I am two weeks in to my dedication to myself to not consume dairy or wheat/gluten (I know it is contributing to my size).
Once you start, just take it day by day. Making a commitment to start and then actually starting is the first step (soooo hard xx!). But then all of a sudden, you'll be able to look back and say 'hey I've done three days of healthy living/eating/exercising, I can do more days'. Eventually, the feel-good part of what you are doing will take over and be the focus and the drive/impetus to continue.
Go on and just do it, Shel! Your body and now your mind is obviously pushing you to. You can do it :)
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