Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Finding the balance

Balance; I think I haz it. For the most part anyway. Usually, theres always something to throw out the equillibrium of life; it's work that is a hiccup when my home life is great, or something happens at home to throw out the balance when work is great. For the first time in (at least) awhile, things seem balanced.

I start a new course next week. For 3 full days, I have to train it to and from the city to attend a course regarding the work I am now doing.

I'm terrified.

Not only is the work I'm doing mostly a 'boys world' (the last course I was the only girl); but I have to get up, find a car park at the station, get the train with 18000 other people and spend 3 full days learning about this program.

By nature, I have a degree of agoraphobia. Although, it's more a fear of getting lost; and trust me, if there is an opportunity to get lost, I will find it. But, this fear takes over and I'm sure it's why I end up getting lost.

I won't sleep the night before it starts and I'll get there about 3 hours before it starts - I'll allow myself 'enough time' to get there.

I just hope I get something out of it.

And don't tell anyone, but I am vaguely thinking of #3. I can't believe I said that out loud.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A month has passed....

It's been a long time. But, it's been a long month. I sit here tonight, @ 7pm ready for bed and ready to leave all sorts of things in this month; in particular this week.

It seems as though my family is receiving a big hug tonight. The house is warm, the kids are happy and the jobs are done. I sit here, writing, feeling as though big things have ended for me. But good big things. But big (and exhausting!) nonetheless.

Firstly, my father. Is doing so well it nearly makes me angry. I know that sounds silly, but all that guesswork and predictions by specialists - turned out to be little more than the wrong medication. It nearly makes me cry just writing that - how dare these people put my family through that. Putting him through that. Over a freaking tablet.

But it is such a joy to see him now. The revelation that he will not live forever is not lost on him. He is living again. He's happy and interested; but he's also relaxed and willing to let go of the small stuff. His grandchildren make his eyes shine and the laugh lines come back to his face. Work is merely a blip on his radar these days and truly, it's a beautiful thing to see.

He's doing so well that he's off all his medication. All the reminders of his life past are gone; he's now considered a healthy person. And, even just having that mindset is doing him the world of good. He is going to see a dietician tomorrow (and if you know my father, you'll understand just how different that is for him) and is starting to really participate in life; rather than just watch it float by in a neverending spectacle of profit/loss reports, cash flow problems and employee issues.

On the bad side; those issues have now befallen my sister and myself. Which, is a double edged sword that, until today, were stabbing me constantly. I felt torn, confused and very very angry. But, today was the end of a great chapter in our family life.

I have probably said earlier that my sister and I are completely different people. Having two completely different people left in charge of a company is not a good thing; and don't ever let anyone tell you it is. Loving a person as a sister; yet loathing having to deal with her in a work environment is probably one of the harder things I have done. The tension, the stress, the anger, the sadness has now given way to mass waves of relief. The wound has burst; now it can heal. And god I hope it does.

This week also marked the first anniversary of the death of my friend, Craig. It's hard to believe that a year has gone since he died; but there was a beautiful memorial held for him with hundreds of people turning up and the convoy of motorbikes and all his old cars making their way up towards the place where his life could be celebrated was a perfect idea. Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' far too loud on the stereo, a beer in his honour and a great number of laughs. He'd have loved it and I'm sure he was watching.

The day after was his birthday; so from a smiling memorial where all the good times were remembered, came the day where he should have been here. He just should.

A repeat of last years kinder issues also threatened to rear up it's ugly head again; mother lion came out and nearly didn't think before she acted. Now, as I sit here at the end of it all, contemplating the 'could've, should've would've's' - I'm glad I did have a think. Because, in the end, it was all a bigger deal to me than to him.

This week has also been the commencement of my position on the committee. 4yo kinder offers went out this week, and, because of my own stupidity, have mucked my own preferences up. I'm still not quite sure what to do on that front yet, but I have decided to wait and see. Whatever is meant to be, will happen.

We are still deciding what to do with the house; whether to keep it and rent it out, or just get rid of it. Slowly, we're fixing bits and pieces, cleaning things up and just in general making it a little easier on the eye. Whatever we do, none of this work will go to waste. And we're not really looking at anything else yet, and our friend the real estate agent doesn't know yet either. When it's time, it will all work itself out.

Our camping trailer also went this week. It now offers the ideas and dreams with what comes next. Should we get a caravan, or should we get another trailer? Dreaming about that is also a prominent feature in my life at the moment. But it's very nice to come home to an empty space where the trailer used to be.

My sisters wedding is also approaching rapidly and I am now almost positive that she doesn't want to marry him. But, talking to her about is futile; she will marry him anyway, even if it does turn out to be because she didn't want to admit she was wrong. All we can do is pick her up if and when she falls over; and take heart that he treats her well.

The children are both in a really good place now; Riley is at a stage where he's just turning into a proper 'school kid'. The beginning of Prep saw his uniform too big, too new and far too green. The colours are starting to fade, become more a part of him; and all that 'newness' has paved the way for growing up. He's a proper schoolkid now - and for him, it's a beautiful thing.

Connor is nearly 4 and cannot wait to be 5 and 'go to Auskick and big boy school'. Part of me is sad he wants to grow up so quickly - he is a big handful, so full of life, passion and laughter that his 'toddlerness' seems to have been extended. He is loved by everyone and that sparkle in his eyes has everyone chuckling 'Dennis the Menace' style. Whilst Riley has that coveted 'first grandchild' place in his Poppy's heart, Connor and him have a different sort of special bond. Connor does what Poppy would like to do, if only he weren't a 56 year old. And the laughs the two of them have together is more the heartwarming.

G. Dear G. Who is loving his job and is all things to all people. He is loved at work, and missed when he's there by us. Watching the three of them together, playing 'Power rangers' or 'Wrestling' just make me so happy. The way those children love their father is truly a delight to watch; and watching him just watching them sometimes nearly brings a tear to my eye. He's just so perfect a dad.

Tomorrow night we will go and help a friend clear up their property. It'll be just the two of us, as the kids are off to Grannys and Poppys for a sleepover. They are excited about it; and we are looking forward to, finally having a little bit of 'us' time - instead of falling in an exhausted heap at the end of the night. He'll be home soon and he can have his sigh of relief that another project is finished and under his belt as experience. He's so happy with his job and what he is doing; and it's taken a long time coming.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Plod plod plod

Again, the comfort that routine brings is calming. Like a big blanket and hot soup on a cold rainy winters day.

Why is it that sometimes I want to throw the rug off, tip the soup down the sink and run outside; and other times it's all I want in life?