Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The house

Our new kitchen

A bit of our backyard; I cannot wait to read the Sunday papers out here
The entrance. Where we'll be curled up in Winter.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We got it.

The house. We settle in mid Jan.

I will post some pictures once I work out how to get my new address off them; but trust me when I say it's bewdiful.

Spent far more than we wanted, but doesn't everyone? Not out of our depth though, so we'll be fine in our beautiful new HOUSE!!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

I think the eyes have it

After the dramas of last week, a group of friends and I went out for a nice dinner, a few drinks and a few laughs. As usual, I was wearing my contacts.

Toward the end of the evening, my contacts started playing up a bit; so I pulled them out. My eyes were extremely sensitive, but I figured I'd be fine in the morning because we WERE GOING HOUSE HUNTING AND I NEEDED TO SEE.

Uh-uh. Not in Shel land.

I woke up Saturday morning and my eyes were so sensitive that even the fridge light with sunglasses on was too much. Awesome.

Off to the doctor.

He gives me Chlorsig and some anasthetic which helped immensely until it wore off. At each house, I would drop in some anasthetic and bob was my uncle. (BTW, we found a house, we'll find out tonight whether we were/are successful).

Went home and spent the day in bed.

Next day; same thing. Doctor gave me the wrong drug. Awesome.

Can see now though; which is lucky because there is a big meeting at work this morning.

Dad is on a downhill slope again; I am guessing Wednesday.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Grabbing the reins

He's home again today. He looks better.

I just wish I knew it was going to stay that way; that I know he will always know who I am.

Until the next episode, I grab the reins, get back on the horse, and put one foot in front of the other.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Wedding and everything after

Sorry dear internet, this is more for me than for anyone else; I need to spit this all out.

I woke up yesterday morning all set for, what was going to be, a big day. My little sister was getting married and we had a day full of hair, makeup, photos and pretties.

Mum called at 8.45 to say that she was going to be late; dad was not well. She was crying and tizzed - she didn't think he'd be capable of coming. He was worried about what the savages were going to do. Being the level headed one, I told her that we'd get our hair done first, get home and we'd re-evaluate before we told J anything.

We get home, hair all done, and we check on Dad. He's not all that, so I dose him again and put him back to bed. We didn't have to even get him organised until 3, so we still had a fair bit of time up our sleeves. All the girls were getting ready there, so we could easily check on him throughout the morning / early afternoon.

Toward early afternoon, he was much more lucid and could talk properly and even he thought he could do it. The other option was, both G and I would pull out of the wedding and come as guests - so we could look after Dad. But, by the time the photographer turned up, he was up and dressed. Not all that, but he was there.

Cut a long story short; he walked her down the isle. He actually DID IT. It was bittersweet; in that he was so sick, but he did it.

I had a moment when he got up and did the bridal waltz. Not all smooshy because of him and my sister; but because he looked so ill. I went outside and pulled myself together before I sucked it up and went inside.

But he did well. I bought him home at 8.30, gave him his medicine and put him to bed. He was exhausted. Utterly spent, but we were so proud of him (and pleased for J) that he'd done it. I went back to the wedding for the final hour.

Because I'd decided to drive, I bought home Mum, R, J and my G. We all went to mums, I had a coffee whilst the others (mum mostly) were just so relieved we'd all gotten through it unscathed (relatively) that they all let loose and had a few too many drinks. We all laughed and just revelled in the weight off all of our shoulders.

G and I left at 3am. I'd checked on Dad; mum and the others were having a ball. Not rowdy, not blind; but laughter and fun. Finally. He'd had his last dose just before I left; and we expected that he'd be out and stuffed for at least 2 weeks.

At 5.30am this morning, mum called hysterical. Dad had vomited everywhere and didn't understand what was happening to him. I had a quick shower and went over there. We were beyond managing him at home; it was time for the ambulance.

He didn't recognise me. He looked at me and drew a blank. Right then and there my heart broke. My dad doesn't know who I am. But I sucked it up and we spoke with the ambulance and I followed in the car down to the hospital.

We get to hospital and he thinks he's in Geelong, it's 2005 and he's 28. Mum, at least, is mum. Me? 'Oh, she's....a nurse?'. Ouch.

We stayed until we'd seen the doctor, he'd had the drip inserted and was asleep. Mum was still well under the influence and hadn't showered or anything. So, we went home and I told mum to have a shower and a sleep; I'd pick her up later and we'd go back.

But, I couldn't. I am devastated. I know in my head that he knows who I am and that once he becomes normal, he'll know who I am and all will be fine. But, for the moment, I don't have the children, I am in the car alone and I am starting to lose the facade of the strong one.

I howl. I cry as though I was dying and actually felt physcial pain. I felt as though I was nothing, nobody and that my own father didn't know who I was. I was the one who has held everyone together and kept everyone strong for these last two years; and he doesn't even know who I am.

I get inside and I am a mess. G gets up and just holds me. I collapse onto the floor, crying for all the times I have wanted to lose it, but not been able to. For all the times I have held onto this mask of togetherness for the kids, or for mum, or for my sister, or for my work. I cry for me, and how unfair it all is and how much pressure I feel.

I have a pain in my chest which I know is telling me that I am about to fall apart. But, I dont' have time to fall apart. I have two kids, no house and a full time job. And my biggest fear; if I do take a big breath, let go of the cliff that is me coping and drop down into a sea of some sort of breakdown - is what if I can't pull myself back together again?

My head knows that my father knows me, loves me and that this is just the illness. But my heart? Is broken.

I can't bear to even call my sister; I can't fathom hearing again how he cried when she spoke to him. How he remembered her. Because, right now, even the slightest thing gets me crying and I don't have the ability to just stop and fall apart.

And I dont' think I can put myself back together if I do.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

All my friends are getting married...

Well, it's my sister actually, but hey, it was the first thing that popped into my head!

Today is the day that the last thing that has prevented us from house hunting starts and ends.

My little sister is getting married.

It all starts at 8.30 when we head off to the hairdressers. Not sure what they will do with mine, it's lopped; but I'm not too fussed.

I have orthotics now and it seems to have made a grand bit of difference which is good - I can now walk properly and my feet bones aren't bashing around. We won't know how much difference it makes to my quad muscle for a few weeks yet, but as it stands, they work a treat.

The boys will be page boys and are accompanying me down the isle; it will be so nice to see them all dressed up! Grant is a groomsman too, so hopefully we'll get a few nice photos of us all together.

Starting tomorrow, it will become all about the house hunting. And packing. Ick. I'm going to start packing slowly but surely, there is an awful lot of stuff that we won't use between now and then.

Wish us luck!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Aint it weird

It's funny how life gives you nice little reminders sometimes.

This week things have just plodded along nicely. I got to eat lunch and read the local paper on Friday because I'm finally getting on top of this work. By the time the new year starts, I'll definately only have to work 4 days. And that fourth day will be a push. But, for now, I'm liking it alot.

Rileys surgery went really well. Except he power vomited right through my car. Apple juice and blood clots. My car was detailled on Wednesday.

Today I decided to take the kids to the movies - they hadn't seen 'Up' yet, so I thought I'd be a good mummy and take them. My sister decided to come, and my parents decided to meet us for lunch afterward. So, off to the movies.

Firstly, she cried (well, not really, but metaphorically speaking) because I got 2 small popcorns. I thought the kids could share one, and we could share one; given we were going out to lunch and all. 'That's not going to be enough' she scoffed; and when it wasn't (for her anyway!) I got a smirk and a 'I told you so' look as she went out to buy more.

We went to lunch and it was ok - about as ok as lunch with your parents, whom, you have seen most days of the week anyway, gets. We eat (ok, I eat) far FAR too much and roll back to the car to go home.

Except we've forgotten to pay for parking. I don't think I have ever paid for parking in this shopping centre; shopping is not something I tend to do much anyway. But, we haven't paid, and the door will not open for us.

Instead of walking (at best) 100m to pay $3 for parking, she expected me to sit there and argue with the guy who answers the phone if you have a problem, as to why we shouldn't pay for our car park; because they 'don't have a pay place anywhere NEAR here'.

I walked the 100m.

Lazy, egotisitcal and selfish. Only 3 reasons in 3 hours why what happened at work happened.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

It was bound to happen...

Heartburn that is. These past two weekends have been filled with so much food, wine, laughter, tears, panic attacks and fun that it's kind of half expected that I wake this morning feeling like I'm burping razor blades.

But oh what fun!

Last weekend was a trip up to see some very old and dear friends. It is a trip I look forward to and enjoy every single year; and again, I wasn't disappointed. We had a ball and I miss them terribly.

This week - work work work work. Nothing new there. Dad had another 'episode' (sounds so much more dignified than an attack of the crazies doens't it!!); but we managed him at home (with the specialist on the phone) - so whilst it's a down - he hasn't had one in 6 weeks - we managed it without hospital.

This weekend; Caught up with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in aaageess and drank a beautiful bottle of 2001 Cab Sav with her, before tumbling into bed at midnight.

Yesterday was my sisters hens day. An afternoon of pedicures and make up (that wasn't all that, I looked like bloody BOZO THE CLOWN) before we trekked off to the Chinese restaurant for dinner and a bit of a show. Nacho (seriously) did a big puppetry of the penis demonstration which was rather funny (even if a bit icky, t'was 18 times better than a stripper would've been!!) before coming home and speaking to my best friend in Perth for a few hours.

Daylight savings starts today; clock is foward and I've lost my beautiful morning hour.

Tomorrow; Riley has his 3rd set of grommets and adnoids out. We are grommet veterans, but nervous adnoid virgins. Wish him luck!