Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I know...

I am a terrible blogger type person; I say 'yes, I'm going to post more and more' and then just stop. Again. Except, this time, there's no 'Oh, I'm sorry I was at the hospital'.

This last year has been absolutely horrendous for me. Although, I have learnt so SO much. So, for this year, my new years resolution was about me.

No more navel gazing. No more 'yes sir, no sir'; and certainly no more doing things I didn't want to do. Life is shit enough without purposely making it worse!

So, the 'navel gazing' part. I didn't want to blog about everything that was wrong with my life; but at the same time; I enjoy the outlet and I enjoy being able to be completely uncensored. If I want to say 'shit fuck bastard' - it's MY blog and I can do that. Not that there IS anything wrong; but looking into myself so constantly is NOT a good thing for a person such as myself as I tend to get too caught up in it.

But anyway, I digress.

I haven't been able to get into 2011 yet; and it's almost half way through February. This year has just whizzed past and here I am; still waiting to get into the groove. The kids have though; C started school and R is in grade 2. We're getting another set of grommets for him tomorrow and I am back at work with a new girl to help me.

But it all feels weird.

I feel as though I am living someone elses life. As though I don't fit into my old life anymore. Like I have just changed SO much, had my perception altered so drastically; that nothing seems to make a whole lotta sense now. Like I'm meandering about a party, attempting to join peoples conversations without really knowing what they are about.

Sometimes, this makes me happy. I'm not stuck in a routine, nor am I thinking about much too deeply. And some of this is a good thing; everyone wants to grow and change right? But other times, the lack of the familiar makes me sad and I miss what used to be and how I used to just 'fit' into those conversations without asking what they are talking about.

It's not just me that has changed. Mum & Dad have changed, their relationships have changed and everything that was once their life together has changed. My sister has changed - and I'm not even going there. But, more importantly, I have changed and G has changed. And ours is one for the better. We're more about 'us' now. 'Us' being our nuclear family of 4. And the dog. And the cat. (you get the gist anyway)

I never realised that it were possible to feel so many different, conflicting, feelings at once. Where I can look at a person and feel such sadness, loss of respect; yet at the same time, such anger. And disgust.

I never realised the power that I had over my own life. And how powerful and strong I was capable of being.

March 4 is the first anniversary of fathers liver transplant. There has been happiness, sadness, despair & heartache. Laughter, hatred, loss and gain. And I wish I could put everything I have learnt into words, like the ever eloquent Jenn . But, instead, there is little of any substance; just a cut and paste mess of my incoherent ramblings about things that are so deep inside me, there are almost no words to describe them.


Jenn said...

You're back! I've missed you.

2010 was an absolute arsehole of a year. I hope 2011 is boring for both of us.


Being Me said...

I didn't realise you had begun blogging again! Although it's a bit sparse in between posts. If it feels helpful to write, that's great, but otherwise those feelings so deep inside you that you doubt you'd find words to describe them - I totally gwym - are probably meant just for you. It's a really positive thing (I think) that you feel such a noticeable change not in just yourself but those around you.

May 2011 truly be Your year.

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