diary of a wannabe hippy

Statue or Pigeon

2011-02-11T09:02:00.002+11:00

I believe you can be described as one of two things; a statue or a pigeon. A statue; you're being crapped on from a great height. A pigeon; you're doing the crapping from a great height.

I describe my days as either. And, once you work out which one you are and accept that, things seem to get easier and easier.

If I were to sit down and add up everything that has ballsed up, stuffed up, gone wrong, caught fire, unsettled, pissed off etc etc me over the last 2 years, you'd spin out. I swear you would. I've been under some 'bad luck' blanket for quite some time now; and I'm now more than ready to pass it on.

But, when you consider things like the cyclone, floods, fires etc; it's not that big a deal. But honestly, I'm getting REALLY sick of my life resembling days of our lives. On my christmas cards this year, I received a HEAP of 'I hope you have a BORING 2011'. And, you know what? So do I!!! But it's still not happening and so be it.

R had his fourth set of grommets in yesterday and all went well, as per normal. Except for vomiting all over the pathway that is. But hey, it could be worse; it could have been all over my car again.

G has broken 2 toes and is meant to start his new job in a week. Again, could be worse; he could've broken his foot.

I have not slept for at least 3 days more than 3 hours. It's KILLING me!! If it's not C asking some remote question about school 'Mum, in the library, are there books on spiders' or G 'ahhhoowwww it hurrttss' it's 'This is a high temperature alarm'.

I'm just past it. I'm tired, cranky and irritable. Don't shit me today, because I think I'd be capable of ripping your head off.

I know...

2011-02-09T15:37:00.003+11:00

I am a terrible blogger type person; I say 'yes, I'm going to post more and more' and then just stop. Again. Except, this time, there's no 'Oh, I'm sorry I was at the hospital'.

This last year has been absolutely horrendous for me. Although, I have learnt so SO much. So, for this year, my new years resolution was about me.

No more navel gazing. No more 'yes sir, no sir'; and certainly no more doing things I didn't want to do. Life is shit enough without purposely making it worse!

So, the 'navel gazing' part. I didn't want to blog about everything that was wrong with my life; but at the same time; I enjoy the outlet and I enjoy being able to be completely uncensored. If I want to say 'shit fuck bastard' - it's MY blog and I can do that. Not that there IS anything wrong; but looking into myself so constantly is NOT a good thing for a person such as myself as I tend to get too caught up in it.

But anyway, I digress.

I haven't been able to get into 2011 yet; and it's almost half way through February. This year has just whizzed past and here I am; still waiting to get into the groove. The kids have though; C started school and R is in grade 2. We're getting another set of grommets for him tomorrow and I am back at work with a new girl to help me.

But it all feels weird.

I feel as though I am living someone elses life. As though I don't fit into my old life anymore. Like I have just changed SO much, had my perception altered so drastically; that nothing seems to make a whole lotta sense now. Like I'm meandering about a party, attempting to join peoples conversations without really knowing what they are about.

Sometimes, this makes me happy. I'm not stuck in a routine, nor am I thinking about much too deeply. And some of this is a good thing; everyone wants to grow and change right? But other times, the lack of the familiar makes me sad and I miss what used to be and how I used to just 'fit' into those conversations without asking what they are talking about.

It's not just me that has changed. Mum & Dad have changed, their relationships have changed and everything that was once their life together has changed. My sister has changed - and I'm not even going there. But, more importantly, I have changed and G has changed. And ours is one for the better. We're more about 'us' now. 'Us' being our nuclear family of 4. And the dog. And the cat. (you get the gist anyway)

I never realised that it were possible to feel so many different, conflicting, feelings at once. Where I can look at a person and feel such sadness, loss of respect; yet at the same time, such anger. And disgust.

I never realised the power that I had over my own life. And how powerful and strong I was capable of being.

March 4 is the first anniversary of fathers liver transplant. There has been happiness, sadness, despair & heartache. Laughter, hatred, loss and gain. And I wish I could put everything I have learnt into words, like the ever eloquent Jenn . But, instead, there is little of any substance; just a cut and paste mess of my incoherent ramblings about things that are so deep inside me, there are almost no words to describe them.

Back again so soon?

2010-12-21T05:13:00.003+11:00

I nearly forgot my username it has been that long.

I debated keeping this blog; it has been filled with so many things that, a year later, do not matter in the slightest. But, it is what it is; so back I am.

It's been a HECK of a year. I feel as though I am a completely different person; and that things around me will never be the same.

It's not a 'bad' different; but it is different.

I am getting big into the Christmas thing this year; if I have nothing else, it will be a fantastic Christmas.

More to come. But, 2011, for me, will be about me and MY family. It's time.

Back to front

2010-05-05T04:44:00.002+10:00

I'm up at 3am and am going to bed at 8pm. It's doing my head in, but I can't seem to stay awake!

On the plus side; I am catching right up on peoples blogs!

Boo.

2010-05-01T06:58:00.007+10:00

Ok, so it's been awhile. I'm more than happy to be writing to nobody and I'm really happy to want to start blogging again.

It's been a big few months! We have moved, the kids went back to school, I went back to work full time and dad got a transplant.

The transplant and all it's glory since will be updated at my other blog 'Liverinitup' when I can muster that up - I don't want to live the two simultaneously anymore. They are separate issues and have different aspects of my heart and attention.

For now - some of the things we have been doing. And you can see that no children were harmed during the 'Liver Era'.

C had a Birthday!

R got his face painted (Duh)

R's first school concert!!

We went swimming
Put up the Christmas tree

Had a Boxing Day fire (in the old house!!)

Had a 'scary' Birthday Party (apparently they are Dry bones and King Boo out of some DS game)

Had a set of Tonsils out

Mum and I shared a Birthday

Someone got a bit tired riding his bike (with NO TRAINING WHEELS)

Made an Easter hat

Did some tree climbing at the farm

Teased life out of the dog on Easty Sunday

And Auskick started back (C is allowed to play for the first time!)

Going back through these photos has really shown me that it hasn't been all bad. In fact, some has been wonderful. Some of these times will always be remembered with a hint of sadness because Dad missed most of these - but at the end of the day, they are still times *we* had and even sometimes, had a lot of fun with.

I feel grown up. Settled, content. Not everything has fallen back the way it was before for me; not with family, some friends, myself.

But it's ok. The bits are still together and, in fact, they may be in a better place than they were before.

Finally; I do it

2010-02-16T21:24:00.002+11:00

I have been wanting and wanting to come back here over the last few weeks, but you know what? I just haven't had it. Finally though, I write.

My life was so....overwhelmed by what was going on with my father (you can read more of that here) that I just didn't have it in me to do much of anything outside that.

Things at the new house are just lovely. There are boys the same age as the boys, they spend most of their lives outside!!

Most things are done; there are a few photos/pictures that I need to get time to put up, but instead, I've been pottering about the garden. I've decided to start making me a bit more of a priority and less of my father and what is going on with him. So, I have started walking again and trying to eat better; all being in aid of making me feel more 'able' and 'with it'. It's only early days yet, but I am slowly starting to feel better.

R turned the big 7 - it was a bit of a mess because Dad was in hospital that morning and his soiree at our house backfired a little when a set of twins couldn't come because she'd broken her arm; but he enjoyed the attention and his cake. He got a DS (finally he says!!) and has been enjoying it in small doses. I do not want him growing up with his whole life in front of the computer; being outside (I have learnt ) is good for the body and the soul.

C is off to his own hospital on Friday; we're getting tonisils out. After tooing and froing and upping and downing, we have reached the decision to pull them out. He gets nasty doses of tonsilitis regularly and the ENT is Dr Bernie - the same one who has done R's ears. So, there's a hospital stay for us Friday night! Quite frankly, I'm even half looking forward to it - there'll be nothing for me to do!

Outside that, it's all very same old same old.

Settling in

2010-01-17T19:59:00.003+11:00

It's weird. We've been here a little over a week; and it feels like home already. This house has a great energy attached to it.

We have started to meet the neighbours. We're now in a court of about 8 houses, and apparently it's a lovely place to live with lovely neighbours right the way through.

There is Margaret & Eddie - a lovely Scottish couple who are in their mid 60's. He adores kids and seems very 'grandfatherly'. They have 2 daughters with children of their own and they love playing grandparents with them here; particularly as there are so many younger boys in the street.

Andy & Kate live across the road; they have 2 boys (Joesph and Peter) and I think they are a little like the Flanders' flock. Not that it bothers me - but it would be nice to have a couple like Mark & Di to have a few laughs with. Who knows, we still might.

There is Chris next door - I don't know much about him.

So there are more to meet and lots more to do.

It's good though; to turn into your driveway and smile at what you have.

I might even take some photos tomorrow; it's only been three thousand years.

Peace and quiet

2010-01-14T20:23:00.002+11:00

You know how some days you are ridiculously flat out; but you get to the end and thoroughly enjoy it? Well, that was me today.

I was up super early this morning and headed into work to finish all the things I had to do. Then, came home and took Connor down to the doctors to have his four year old immunisations. With everything that has been going on lately, I completely forgot about them!!

I then came home and got stuck right into this house. I have sorted and am happy with 3 rooms furniture and 'purpose' wise - I just need to unpack trinkets to give them a bit of 'us' to them. But I will take photos when I am done.

Settlement happened yesterday - and what a joke that was. We were meant to settle at 11; we get a phone call at 10 to say that OUR BANK wanted more money from us - $345.60 to be precise - and we needed to have a bank cheque in the city by 11am for settlement.

So G goes to the ANZ BANK and gets an ANZ BANK CHEQUE that is payable to ANZ. Then drives the 40 minutes into the city. If that's not pathetic....

I'm looking forward to pottering. I need it and I need to do it!!

Oh I know, it's scary!!

2010-01-12T20:29:00.002+11:00

Two posts in like 2 days; something must be off it's axis!

I've been thinking alot about this blog and whether or not I should keep it. I like the outlet it gives me, but honestly? I am SICK of this blog being about livers. Bloody livers. And, I imagine so are most of you.

So; I have started another blog here. It's called livernitup - I figure if you can't have a stab at some irony, then there's no point really!! It, like this, is more for me; and hopefully, it might provide some Aussies some insight into what happens. Because, I can't seem to find a whole lot on what people go through with liver disease in Australia - and I hope that if someone in my shoes stumbles across it - they might not feel so alone.

In other news; I am on HOLIDAYS FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK AS OF TOMORROW!!! Well, I have to work tomorrow, but after that - I AM HERE FOR A WEEK!!!!

Can you tell I couldn't care less??

So, my not-so-new-years resolution? To keep this blog liver free. Or, at the very least; liver minimal.

If you're interested in my father and what goes on, check it out; otherwise, you can ignore it and just read this! Or, alternatively, again, you can shut this window down too; promise I wont' take it personally!!!

I'm here...

2010-01-11T09:26:00.001+11:00

Except I have very little internet, I've moved house, we had a fire, the dishwasher blew up and the bird is gone.

I'll be back in another week or so; provided my internet supplier pull their fingers out!!!

Christmas roundup

2009-12-29T04:26:00.002+11:00

I know it's belated; but MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I hope you enjoyed time with your family, far too much food and lots and lots of paper rubbish. Ours didn't turn out half as bad as I thought it would (that bottle of Oyster Bay probably helped!!). It was quiet, reflective and, well, OK.

Santa came here for the kids; both got scooters and a few other bits and pieces. C also got a potato and a stick.

Let me explain.

In our house, if you're naughty, the birds (in which there are many around here) will tell Santa who, if he decides you've been naughty enough, will leave sticks and potatoes instead of presents. C was all 'oh sure he will; watch me get presents' - and to G that was a red flag to a bull. So, out came the sticks and potatoes.

He sucked it up which was good of him - 'Mum, that could've been a motorbike but I was naughty - maybe next year'. That's right sunshine.

Santa also came to hospital this year. I don't know where I'm up to with that saga, but he went into ICU, came out and then went back in again; so there was no hope of him coming home for Christmas. I was a little concerned Christmas Eve; he'd worked his guts out to get home for Christmas and it didn't happen and I was a touch concerned that he'd given up. But no, he was there for Santa in the hospital and, whilst there were a few tears, everyone bucked up and got on with it.

After that, the day was pretty much 'normal'. Lots of people went to see Dad, so he wasn't alone and we had the Christmas lunch thing. I had a sleep, then we went to G's brothers; where it was basically an orgy of $5 crap that the kids didn't need and a whole lot of nothing being done by the 2 wicked SIL.

G and the boys went to the farm Boxing day and I was all set for a quick hospital visit and then home to box up this house. Except, whilst I was in the hospital, we had a fire. I know; ridiculous huh?

Not much damage caused and we are all Ok, so that is the main thing. It's just a big pain in the arse really. But all the neighbours pitched in to put it out and get my dog (who wouldn't get out until Kirsten turned up and then jumped in her car refusing to get out until I came) which was all very nice. The boys next door even offered to rebuild it all for me; but I think G's brother J is going to fix it.

I'm back to work today which will be riveting.

Joanne will probably be paid for the forseeable future; mum needs her around, so that's what will happen. I have decided to just keep right out of it. If M asks, it's something he needs to take up with my parents.

I'm really ready for 2009 to be finished now. I am precariously ticking the days off; something is bound to happen between now and New Years, so I am being careful and watching what I do. Apart from Riley starting school; this year has been awful.

Roll on 2010.

A little bit happened today....

2009-12-23T21:37:00.003+11:00

I start off thinking 'oh I feel bad for writing this whingy whiney blog that has turned from something so nice into something so maudlin and lonng' - but then I think 'my blog, my rules'.

So, I'll apologise in advance. It's whingy. Again.

There is some good news today; we are now on a critical list for a transplant (which is not quite *super* urgent - I figure Saturday night he'd have been 'super' urgent given he was 4/5ths dead because that's the system!) and whilst he is still in ICU; they are starting all their testing for their profile for the transplant. He is now under the 'LTU' - Liver transplant unit and no longer fucking around with gastroenterologists who want to 'see if this works' or liver specialists who are completely fucking blase because they are sure he's drinking and we are just fuckwits who don't know any better...

They have told us 'early in the new year' which I, at first, thought to mean April/May (it is the public system after all); but when they started gung ho profiling - it might be earlier than that?

But I digress. He's in ICU more for the machines now than for him; the oxygen levels in the wards don't go as high as the ones in ICU; and the team want to have a bit of leway if something goes pear shaped quickly. So, he's in there on a lower setting; but because of the lack of stabilisation, he's still getting sedated (twighlight I think they called it? and no, not the vampire) just to keep him calm enough to stable him. Once they are confident about the stability and the lack of oxygen, they'll throw him back up to level 8.

I'm in a whole other place with this at the minute. I am not hoping; but I am not pessimistic either. I am not speculating in any way shape or form anymore - because the roller coaster is bad enough; let alone adding to it by 'maybe or might'. We just do not know if he'll A. make it TO transplant; B. whether he is a candidate for transplant (high BP,diabeties and the kidneys which could all be liver related, but is a question of chicken or egg) or C. Whether he even wants a transplant. He bounces between the two, depending on the day; but the psychiatrist saw him today and hopefully seeing him will at least set him right in his own mind.

I have no opinion one way or another. If he doesn't want the transplant; how could you blame him? He has had 3 'good' weeks this year - all spaced out in individual days and all 'good' enough to go to the supermarket. Awesome. I don't know that I would want to keep going either. And I am starting to be at the point where I don't need him as much as he needs this to stop IYKWIM. I am starting to feel cruel.

But, on the other hand, if he wants a transplant, then I'll be right there with him. Duh.

We got a massive book today with regards to 'transplant and you - what to expect' type stuff; they had about 4 pages of quotes from past patients/families. And it was ironic that today was the most alone I have felt for a long time; reading these quotes and reasonating with so many of them; made me feel A. less alone and B. Less freaky.

The beautiful beautiful Jayne lost her father today. I think of her often and wonder whether she feels similar; or whether it's just me that wishes sometimes that he'd just die and stop torturing himself this way. I'd love to sit down with her one day, when it's all done and dusted for both of us, sans kids, with lots to drink. One day.

Tomorrow my sister, mother and I have a counselling session of our own. I have no idea what to expect; but if it's anything like the first social worker, I'll just about punch her. After 6 attacks, we see her and she's 'oh here's a booklet'. Well we fucking HAVE that. 'oh well, you're managing beautifully' - as the crazy man looks for his dead father. But I have no expectations of tomorrow; it's such a long time away.

We started off weeks by weeks, then day by day; now we're morning by afternoon. Soon, I am starting to think, we'll be hour by hour.

Obviously he's not home for Christmas this year, which is killing him; but until he can be stable he cannot leave. And he's not out of ICU yet, so there is no hope they are going to let him out of ICU tomorrow and then home for a few hours. But, again, who knows.

Best laid plans go astray

2009-12-21T04:59:00.004+11:00

We had such grand plans.

We had spent the morning at a birthday party and an afternoon at home, playing footy with the Christmas CD on, making ice cream cakes (and sundaes!!) and being a family. The kids were showered and in their PJ's, excited about Santa coming and all the fun the day would bring.

G had gotten Monopoly junior down; we were going to have home made pizza and a night of monopoly (although C was bound to get bored!). We all needed this reconnection and all were looking forward to it.

I had just put the kids pizzas in the oven when the phone rang.

'You better come and have a look'. He was fine yesterday! Very fat (lots of fluid, he was scheduled for a tap this week after seeing the liver unit), but sharper than he'd been for awhile. Surely he's not that crazy?

With a sigh, I put my oven mitt on the bench and told G. But I also told G that 'maybe we'll try and manage it at home. It's the Saturday night before Christmas; we're going to be in there for days'. Kissed the disappointed children (and husband) goodbye and thought I'd be back sooner rather than later.

I walk in and his eyes have rolled right back and he is drooling. Drooling!! My father is drooling!! He's talking to his dad again (who has been dead 12 years) and I had a passing hope that the bastard (my grandfather) would take him with him. As if.

We call the ambulance; a little more worried than normal, because it's been so quick. Off we go; mum riding in the ambulance and me following to meet them there. We get there and, of course, it's flat out.

Except this time we don't have to wait around. We are wheeled directly to a private ER room where he's hooked up to all sorts of machines. He's not responding to pain stimuli (or any other stimuli for that matter) and he's not concious.

They test, examine, test, examine and come in and tell us that he's suffering from enchelapathy again. Well DUH. But they don't quite know why it's happening so quickly this time. He's starting to struggle to breathe; they ventilate 'just to be safe'. They can't do a CT scan because he's too sick, so at this point they are assuming he's had a bleed to the brain. We are kicked out alot this time too; and very quickly it went from 'oh we're old hacks at this' to 'I think something is really wrong here'.

By 11.15, Alvin (the liver specialist who is someone we know, and initially we cannot believe our luck that he's the one on tonight) sits us down and explains that he has either one of two problems. A. the blood vessel to the liver has clotted (blocked) and we need to unblock it using warfrin (blood thinner). This is all completely reversible yada yada yada but that he thinks it's time to expidite the transplant profiling. They cannot stabilise him, so they are going to sedate him to A. assist with the stabilising and B. give his body some rest. Oh yeah, we think he needs a moment in ICU.

ICU? Fucking hell, what is going on here?

Alvin tells us to go home; they will not move him anywhere until he's been stabilised and that he will call if there is any change. The prognosis is promising, although, no committment is made to him pulling through.

I've called my sister in by this stage, and, as only she can, she falls apart. Dramatically as usual and she's wailing that he was talking to her yada yada yada. She is alarming Alvin, so we pick her up and walk down to the carpark. I am silent at this stage, wondering just what to make of it all.

It's now just past midnight and we're at mums just digesting what has just happened. Mum tells us all to go home and get some sleep, and I think this is all very practical. So, I get in the car and start home.

The darkness is comforting; I feel dark, so it's nice that the world agrees with me. I have no music on; just the humming of my brain is my company. I hear a noise and wonder what the hell is that? Turns out it's me. This gutteral wail is coming from my mouth, but I can't seem to stop it. It hurts to breathe, and it hurts to stop it.

I text my friend; there is no way I can go home to a house full of sleeping family. I turn up at her house and literally collapse. Her and her beautiful husband carry me inside, and just cuddle me until I can control this...noise. We talk for hours.

6.30am we are back at the hospital, but up to a whole new floor. The ICU unit is locked, with a speaker and a large waiting area. We are too early; wait 20 minutes please as Alvin has just come. So, as per hospital protocol; we wait.

Finally we are allowed in to see him. It is a mess; machines everywhere, 18 tubes coming out of his mouth and he looks peaceful. I tell Dad that he better not be staying on our account and that I promise to look after everyone. I then start to lose control of the gasping and have to leave.

Alvin comes out after awhile and sits us all down. This time, it's renal failure. Decent possibility of reversal, and some good drugs availiable, but they need to stabilise him before they will try them. They will divert blood from other organs to give the kidneys a foot in the backside. They won't wake him until tomorrow afternoon and re-evaluate; but at this point, he is soooo not coming home for Christmas. He'll be lucky to be out of ICU by then.

Relief. We won't be in emergency at least for Christmas.

We thank Alvin and go home. I've turned on auto pilot and get home to an empty house. I busy myself, doing stuff that I know I needed to do; but not thinking one iota.

Eventually the mask cracks and I am gasping again and my chest hurts. I go to bed, where I cry like I have never cried before and drift off to sleep, with my fingers crossed that he'll die in his sleep and this cruel disease will leave him alone forever.

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas!

2009-12-14T20:53:00.003+11:00

It finally feels like Christmas is upon us. Decorations are out, cards have been sent and presents have all been bought and wrapped. I'm happy we made it here; and not only did we make it here, Dad is good.

I know that it's day by day, and that he's still a pretty sick man; but for the moment; he's well. Which is an awful load off. He sees the person who will decide whether he moves up the list for a transplant or not.

I'm a little bit...weird? about him being well; I think I'd like for the doctor to see him at his sickest; after all, two weeks ago, my mother wasn't sure he was going to get to Christmas. Yet now, he's looking really good. And it felt really reassuring to be over that fence of 'lets try x,y,z' - into proper 'waiting for a transplant'.

Connor finished kinder for the year; he's a bit miffed actually, as he was pretty sure that he was on his way to school next year. 4yo kinder to him is going to be an obstacle for him getting to school - and I have a funny feeling that the whole year is going to be viewed like this. A big pain in the butt that he has to tolerate until he gets to school. He's looking forward to Santa coming with a vengance.

Riley did so very well at school; he aced prep and has grown into a boy that I am so very very proud of. If I could put into words just how I am feeling about this boy right now, I would. But all I can say is that my heart is bursting with pride.

I love that they both still believe wholeheartedly in Santa; I'm loving that they both get it and are both being swept away by the magic. It's also a beautiful thing to take both their minds off their grandfather.

Christmas day will probably be spent at mum and dads; provided we can keep him out of hospital for Christmas. It's only going to be us, my parents and R & J - people who have known my parents for 35 years. So, no one that Dad doesn't feel comfortable with; and no one who hasn't seen my father at his worst before. Then we're off to G's brothers house for dinner; which is going to be really nice, given the other 2 IL's aren't coming. It might be there that I succumb to this increasing need to write myself off for awhile. If I only had a day spare to be hungover. ;)

Once Christmas is done, we start really moving forward with the packing. I think the kids are going up to the farm for a few days; I'm looking forward to it just being me here. I'll have to work for some of every day; but having my own 'holiday' every evening is something I am really looking forward to. I will go up after work New Years Eve and spend NYE with the kids and Grants family.

Same horse, different rider

2009-12-03T06:15:00.002+11:00

Dad's home (again). We now have the fun job of trying to REALLY minimise all sugar; because the lactulose is sugar rich and he needs it, his diet now has to try and compensate for the lactulose. Which means pretty much bugger all sugar in his diet. Oh yes, and low sodium. As in minimal.

He walked out of the hosptial being told to have 'no sugar'. WTF does that mean? How can one have no sugar? His sugar rate today is 19 - and that is with no sugar & one piece of fruit all day; so I think this may be the standard sugar level for him. But, it's all trial and error, just like everything else.

My sister doesn't think I am being fair making him eat porridge for breakfast - he doesn't like it you see. I'm in the 'big shit' camp - *I* don't like him being in hospital either, so we're even. Mum is just fubby dubbying along; so again, it falls to the older responsible one.

I'm hoping to finish my Christmas shopping today. I have never been so unorganised. Usually by this time I have cards ready to send, presents wrapped and can actually do some baking and festive type things; this year I am being dragged by the hair towards December 25 and I cannot stand it. I just want to move house; because you see, I have it in my head right now that life as I know it will come back when I move. Hah.

Packing for the house is going slowly but surely. Most of what we don't need is packed and G is going to start shifting it into the new garage this weekend; we can't really do a heap of that until after Christmas/New year. We're still using a heap of stuff you see, but once I know what is going on for Christmas, I'll be able to pack/sort more stuff.

I'm debating the doctor again; I am starting to have panic attacks, not sleeping and find it difficult to control myself; both in anger and tears. I realise that it's all due to the pressure I am under; but there is very little I can do to ease that pressure. I don't like the idea of 'oh, just take a pill and you'll be fine' - but at the moment, that's all I feel I can give myself. I dont' have time to fall into a hole and I certainly don't have time to work through it all on my own.

Jayne talks about her father ino this post; so much of what she says resonates with me. Watching this strong, fit, stubborn bugger end up a shell of his former self is almost too much to bear; If I had to watch my dog go through this, I'd put him down for his own benefit. Yet, us people, the most important race of all (in our own lunchbox) makes us go through hell and back before we say goodbye. *I* struggle with it - I can't even begin to imagine what Jayne goes through every day.

Lately I have been wishing he'd just die and get it over with. Not for our benefit; but for his. If he remembered that I have seen what I have; he'd be completely devastated. If he knew the street was watching when he got put into the ambulance, it'd kill him. If he heard the sympathy in so many voices asking 'how is he' - he'd be pissed off. If he heard some of the things he has said to us; he'd never look us in the eye again. Living the way he is; it's everything he didn't want. So, why are we all here?

I'll fight for him as long as he wants to fight. But, I think he's giving up; rendering it a hopeless cause. And, it probably is. But the realisation that he is not going to get over this is dawning faster and faster; and that is the hardest part.

2009 was meant to be a good year. So far as I'm concerned it can fuck right off.

Happy Birthday Dad

2009-11-29T03:57:00.002+11:00

For your birthday you can have an extra dose of crazy, laced with low sugar levels and decorated with a buggered kidney. Awesome huh?? Now blow out those damn candles.

I know I only seem to write when things are bad; I must sound like a whinging old harpy. But, my blog is for me to say what I want how I want; and I don't really have many outlets except it.

The lactulose was causing too high sugar levels (for those playing at home, 28). So, off to the diabetic specialist we go. Who takes him off lactulose and gives him 2 pills to take once a day. Because 2 pills once a day is going to do exactly the same as 4 hourly doses of lactulose. I said then, that it would really fix him, or really fuck him - hello fucked.

Yesterday morning I called to say happy birthday. He answered the phone and was talking jibberish. Of course, I panicked and got him to get mum - you hear the phone fumble fumble drop - then mum picks up. 'Oh, you've just woken him up' she says and I heave a sigh of relief. Because, you know, imagine him getting sick on his birthday. 'happy birthday yada yada we'll see you tonight' - hang up and get on with everything else that has to be done today.

Riley had a birthday party so he went to that. No parents allowed, so we meandered up the road for a coffee and a yak. Party pickup - mum calls in a blithering mess; Dad is all over the shop.

Awesome.

Get there, try and get sugar into him; he can't even work out how to drink. Call the ambulance yada yada and spend 7 hours in emergency trying to work out WTF is going on here. Turns out now that something is causing a big issue with the kidney too - just to add to the fun. Sugar is 2 - but no one has told my mother what too low is. Fuckers.

They've gone back to lactulose.

I just keep hearing that jack in the box song - 'round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel' - and it's our life story. Except when jack goes 'pop' - that will be my brain exploding.

We'll get there.

In other news - all is good. Boxes freaking everywhere and I am outright lying to my children - i.e. ' why don't we put this battered broken toy into the box to 'go to the new house'' (aka lets just chuck the freaking thing out and by the time we get to the new house you'll have forgotten about it). Only problem is, Connor wants to help so has chucked ALL toys into the box. So, now I have to go through it again. Lying to your children will always bite you on the ass.

Mish mash...

2009-11-18T21:59:00.002+11:00

It just gets better doesn't it? SIL, the one who threw the tanty about doing Kris Kringle because buying shitty $2 made-in-china presents for the 14 neices and nephews is more 'personal' so we're doing it her way - isn't even COMING for Christmas day.

'She didn't know'. My eye she didn't.

I don't even care. Well, I do really, in that none of us have spent a Christmas with G's family for upteen years because of TWO SILs'; and now we're doing it again. I'd love to call her and tell her exactly what I think of her - but she's not my family.

I've got enough of my own family to deal with, thanks all the same.

In other news; I caved and watched Twilight last night.

I have read all four books and was transported back to the 'babysitters club' years and found all four books awful. Sorry, but I did.

With all this damn hype about Vampires etc, I thought, well, I best cave. So, I did.

And it will be probably the only time say that I liked a movie better than a book.

But I'm not running to the midnight session of the next one; trust me on that.

My super-duper-cool friend and amigo Ames has released her very own book. Which is about 37 times better than the twilight book. Get it. It's awesome. How to be a vampire

Extended family - Who'd have them?

2009-11-15T05:48:00.003+11:00

You would think that I'd be a frenzy of boxes and packing and stressing and hurrying right now; work is picking up (being involved in refrigeration, it happens..), Christmas is on it's way and our whole lives need to be picked up and moved.

Instead, we are going to see old friends of ours for lunch, bash around their pool and do a whole lot of nothing.

I have stopped being all things to all people. The perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect assistant manager and the perfect daughter. Because, too often, they collide and I am constantly feel as though I am letting someone down. The pressure cooker went bang on Friday night; G came home with tea to find a bottle of wine gone; and me sitting on the deck, tears silently running down my face.

His family have pissed me off badly this week. Not all of them, but half of his brothers and their other halves. Their hypocrisy astounds me, their self importance baffles me and their expectations are endless.

It was C's birthday on Wednesday. He had a ball; ran into R's room and dragged his school uniform out because 'now he can go to school'. G's eldest brother called and pretended he was Jamie Whincup - which made C's day. "MUM. JAMIE.WHINCUP.SPOKE.TO.ME'. It cost Chris nothing and it made his day.

The others. Well. After this big hoo ha about not doing Kris Kringle because 'it's more personal to get all the children a present' and 'I really want my daughters to get a present' - not one single thought came to C from either of them on his birthday. But, an invitation to a Christening did.

Each year, I send each and every neice/nephew a $20 voucher and a card. It's just something small to say that we are thinking of them on their birthdays. The most personal day of the year, I'd have thought. But, because it's not their child - big deal.

Before J had children, the kids would be lucky to get a card with some money in it for Christmas. Now he has children - we're all expected to buy presents because his children must have presents.

Instead of a thought for C's birthday, an invitation to a Christening came. Now, I'm not big on Christenings, or any sort of religion for that matter, but I am very respectful of those who are not hypocritical about it; those who live it. I once knew a mormon who I had a hell of a lot of respect for; because she lived her beliefs. This Christening? Present grabbing exercise; no more no less.

For starters, mum and dad aren't married. And I wonder how do you christen children in a church, when the religion itself would call them bastards? Money talks I imagine, but there is no way no how I would do any sort of religious ceremony on my children; we weren't married in a church (a chapel on some beautiful grounds), so how could we enter a church, without a sanctimonious marriage and christen our children? Doesn't work with me; but I would go to keep the peace.

Anyway. That same day, G's work Christmas party is on. At Puffing Billy. With Christmas presents for the kids, lollies and a whole lot of fun.

I assumed we'd be sucking it all up (as usual) and going to the stupid hypocritical christening so G could just 'keep the peace'. We're not though. He has chosen to go to the Christmas party. So they've hurt him more than I thought too; because he'd never do that.

Family suck.

PS: Dad is still same old same old; they won't start dialysis until his bowel starts bleeding and not coping with the treatment now. Awesome. Sane dad or insane dad, depending on the day. We're also goign to try and get into the house early so that we can have christmas there together; as we're starting to think it'll be dads last.

PPS - my sister hasn't found a job; my stupid parents are paying her. Would you get off your butt and look for a job when you were getting paid good money to sit on your arse? I have lost an awful lot of respect for that girl.

Regroup

2009-11-08T21:42:00.005+11:00

I 'shut up shop' this weekend.

Not literally; although, once I was done with the kinder fete, I just about ran home. But, my family needed time as a family; and I wanted to be part of that.

G and the kids came down and had a great time at the fete. It was lovely to watch them together; I was even a tad envious that I couldn't be part of what they were at the time. Watching them without them knowing, I saw so much in their faces, their walks and their behaviours toward each other.

G loves those kids. It sounds so very blase I know, but he loves them. Watching his face light up when R got his face painted (R is nearly 7 and has only ever had it done once in his life - about 2 months ago), and laughing at C, who was trying to do somersaults on the jumping castle, just melted my heart.

Once we were home, we went out into the park with the kids bikes and him and I sat on a rug whilst Harvey dog wandered about and the kids tore down the hill on their bikes. We talked about what we wanted, where we wanted and why we wanted. Days like those are the days that bind us together; and whilst we did nothing important, it was a beautiful day spent with those I love most in the world.

We played trouble with the boys and ate a late dinner. Once the kids were showered, we put Harvey dog inside and bundled into the car down to the local park where our town festival was on. Pulled up a patch of grass and watched.

There's something really special about fireworks. I don't quite know what, but I felt happy. Sitting there with hundreds of other members of my community, watching my boys eyes light up with all the pretty lights, I felt complete. As though I have accomplished something I have been trying to do for a long time.

I think I can forgive.

I think I already have.

I caved this morning and rang mum; dad is doing really well. He's having regular gastro something or other (a tube down his throat to see how the bowel is handling everything) and, apart from reflux and heartburn, he's doing really well. One big change of note; the carbs have been backed right off on a hunch. And I think that it's working.

My logic is; when you go on a diet, you're told to eat low GI foods because they take longer to process. When your bowel is being used to flush crazies, logic says that you don't really want to tie it up with stupid carbs. So, on a logic hunch, we've cut back his carbs. And he's been NOT crazy for an entire week. And not just NOT crazy; SANE. Nearly coming-back-to-work sane.

I don't want to get my hopes up that we're finally managing something; I'm simply not prepared to crash as hard as I did earlier. But, it's a positive, and I'll take what I can get.

The rest of Sunday was spent packing and baking. I am beginning to simplify again and I feel really good about it. I have much more room in the new house in which to store stuff, make stuff and DO stuff; the possibilities are endless.

I want Santa to bring a sewing machine. Or, failing Christmas (hello, we've just bought a new house!!) - birthday. But, I want to learn to sew.

Finding the constant

2009-11-05T20:28:00.003+11:00

I look forward to moving. It's funny; you pack up all the same stuff that you have gotten, dump it somewhere else - and it feels like a whole new life.

I am looking forward to my new house. To having more storage than I know what to do with; to being able to stock my pantry properly and fit another freezer in. To being able to keep jars and ingredients with which to bake.

I am looking forward to my vegie patch; I have already started vaguely drawing up plans and am going to start preparing it for Winter next year.

I am looking forward to simplifying again. Things around here have been so ridiculously complicated that I feel as though I have just wound myself up in a tight ball and am unable to untangle it. So, we will pack up and have a 'new start'.

It is the 'new' start of a long life. Many things are in the pipeline for changing; but the one thing I was so sure would change - has actually been about the only constant. My family.

My little beautiful family are all I have that is constant in this world; it's very humbling to know that. I know I made the right decision way back here and the more things change and get harder and harder to deal with; the more certain I am that I have all that I need.

Slowly things are starting to sort themselves out in every other which way; and I know that things will work out one way or another. I've given up fighting and making attempts to change things/see things differently with regards to my father; all we can ever do there is ride the ups and the downs. The ups and the downs aren't quite as severe these days, which is definately a good thing; although they are as constant as ever.

My extended family are also riding a wave of their own; accepting this, and all the other changes that have happened with my sister leaving and dad being sick. Some have, some haven't; and the way they choose to ride their wave is of no business of mine. I realise now that I am not so strong that I will never break; I have now broken, the cyst has burst and is now starting to heal for me. The others? Well, I'm not sure.

All I can do is make sure my one constant stays happy. My family and my boys.

Connor is FOUR next week. THAT is scary.

The house

2009-10-28T22:02:00.002+11:00

Our new kitchen

A bit of our backyard; I cannot wait to read the Sunday papers out here

The entrance. Where we'll be curled up in Winter.

We got it.

2009-10-27T23:07:00.001+11:00

The house. We settle in mid Jan.

I will post some pictures once I work out how to get my new address off them; but trust me when I say it's bewdiful.

Spent far more than we wanted, but doesn't everyone? Not out of our depth though, so we'll be fine in our beautiful new HOUSE!!!

I think the eyes have it

2009-10-26T05:18:00.003+11:00

After the dramas of last week, a group of friends and I went out for a nice dinner, a few drinks and a few laughs. As usual, I was wearing my contacts.

Toward the end of the evening, my contacts started playing up a bit; so I pulled them out. My eyes were extremely sensitive, but I figured I'd be fine in the morning because we WERE GOING HOUSE HUNTING AND I NEEDED TO SEE.

Uh-uh. Not in Shel land.

I woke up Saturday morning and my eyes were so sensitive that even the fridge light with sunglasses on was too much. Awesome.

Off to the doctor.

He gives me Chlorsig and some anasthetic which helped immensely until it wore off. At each house, I would drop in some anasthetic and bob was my uncle. (BTW, we found a house, we'll find out tonight whether we were/are successful).

Went home and spent the day in bed.

Next day; same thing. Doctor gave me the wrong drug. Awesome.

Can see now though; which is lucky because there is a big meeting at work this morning.

Dad is on a downhill slope again; I am guessing Wednesday.

Grabbing the reins

2009-10-20T14:55:00.001+11:00

He's home again today. He looks better.

I just wish I knew it was going to stay that way; that I know he will always know who I am.

Until the next episode, I grab the reins, get back on the horse, and put one foot in front of the other.

The Wedding and everything after

2009-10-18T19:46:00.003+11:00

Sorry dear internet, this is more for me than for anyone else; I need to spit this all out.

I woke up yesterday morning all set for, what was going to be, a big day. My little sister was getting married and we had a day full of hair, makeup, photos and pretties.

Mum called at 8.45 to say that she was going to be late; dad was not well. She was crying and tizzed - she didn't think he'd be capable of coming. He was worried about what the savages were going to do. Being the level headed one, I told her that we'd get our hair done first, get home and we'd re-evaluate before we told J anything.

We get home, hair all done, and we check on Dad. He's not all that, so I dose him again and put him back to bed. We didn't have to even get him organised until 3, so we still had a fair bit of time up our sleeves. All the girls were getting ready there, so we could easily check on him throughout the morning / early afternoon.

Toward early afternoon, he was much more lucid and could talk properly and even he thought he could do it. The other option was, both G and I would pull out of the wedding and come as guests - so we could look after Dad. But, by the time the photographer turned up, he was up and dressed. Not all that, but he was there.

Cut a long story short; he walked her down the isle. He actually DID IT. It was bittersweet; in that he was so sick, but he did it.

I had a moment when he got up and did the bridal waltz. Not all smooshy because of him and my sister; but because he looked so ill. I went outside and pulled myself together before I sucked it up and went inside.

But he did well. I bought him home at 8.30, gave him his medicine and put him to bed. He was exhausted. Utterly spent, but we were so proud of him (and pleased for J) that he'd done it. I went back to the wedding for the final hour.

Because I'd decided to drive, I bought home Mum, R, J and my G. We all went to mums, I had a coffee whilst the others (mum mostly) were just so relieved we'd all gotten through it unscathed (relatively) that they all let loose and had a few too many drinks. We all laughed and just revelled in the weight off all of our shoulders.

G and I left at 3am. I'd checked on Dad; mum and the others were having a ball. Not rowdy, not blind; but laughter and fun. Finally. He'd had his last dose just before I left; and we expected that he'd be out and stuffed for at least 2 weeks.

At 5.30am this morning, mum called hysterical. Dad had vomited everywhere and didn't understand what was happening to him. I had a quick shower and went over there. We were beyond managing him at home; it was time for the ambulance.

He didn't recognise me. He looked at me and drew a blank. Right then and there my heart broke. My dad doesn't know who I am. But I sucked it up and we spoke with the ambulance and I followed in the car down to the hospital.

We get to hospital and he thinks he's in Geelong, it's 2005 and he's 28. Mum, at least, is mum. Me? 'Oh, she's....a nurse?'. Ouch.

We stayed until we'd seen the doctor, he'd had the drip inserted and was asleep. Mum was still well under the influence and hadn't showered or anything. So, we went home and I told mum to have a shower and a sleep; I'd pick her up later and we'd go back.

But, I couldn't. I am devastated. I know in my head that he knows who I am and that once he becomes normal, he'll know who I am and all will be fine. But, for the moment, I don't have the children, I am in the car alone and I am starting to lose the facade of the strong one.

I howl. I cry as though I was dying and actually felt physcial pain. I felt as though I was nothing, nobody and that my own father didn't know who I was. I was the one who has held everyone together and kept everyone strong for these last two years; and he doesn't even know who I am.

I get inside and I am a mess. G gets up and just holds me. I collapse onto the floor, crying for all the times I have wanted to lose it, but not been able to. For all the times I have held onto this mask of togetherness for the kids, or for mum, or for my sister, or for my work. I cry for me, and how unfair it all is and how much pressure I feel.

I have a pain in my chest which I know is telling me that I am about to fall apart. But, I dont' have time to fall apart. I have two kids, no house and a full time job. And my biggest fear; if I do take a big breath, let go of the cliff that is me coping and drop down into a sea of some sort of breakdown - is what if I can't pull myself back together again?

My head knows that my father knows me, loves me and that this is just the illness. But my heart? Is broken.

I can't bear to even call my sister; I can't fathom hearing again how he cried when she spoke to him. How he remembered her. Because, right now, even the slightest thing gets me crying and I don't have the ability to just stop and fall apart.

And I dont' think I can put myself back together if I do.

All my friends are getting married...

2009-10-17T04:33:00.002+11:00

Well, it's my sister actually, but hey, it was the first thing that popped into my head!

Today is the day that the last thing that has prevented us from house hunting starts and ends.

My little sister is getting married.

It all starts at 8.30 when we head off to the hairdressers. Not sure what they will do with mine, it's lopped; but I'm not too fussed.

I have orthotics now and it seems to have made a grand bit of difference which is good - I can now walk properly and my feet bones aren't bashing around. We won't know how much difference it makes to my quad muscle for a few weeks yet, but as it stands, they work a treat.

The boys will be page boys and are accompanying me down the isle; it will be so nice to see them all dressed up! Grant is a groomsman too, so hopefully we'll get a few nice photos of us all together.

Starting tomorrow, it will become all about the house hunting. And packing. Ick. I'm going to start packing slowly but surely, there is an awful lot of stuff that we won't use between now and then.

Wish us luck!

Aint it weird

2009-10-11T16:01:00.004+11:00

It's funny how life gives you nice little reminders sometimes.

This week things have just plodded along nicely. I got to eat lunch and read the local paper on Friday because I'm finally getting on top of this work. By the time the new year starts, I'll definately only have to work 4 days. And that fourth day will be a push. But, for now, I'm liking it alot.

Rileys surgery went really well. Except he power vomited right through my car. Apple juice and blood clots. My car was detailled on Wednesday.

Today I decided to take the kids to the movies - they hadn't seen 'Up' yet, so I thought I'd be a good mummy and take them. My sister decided to come, and my parents decided to meet us for lunch afterward. So, off to the movies.

Firstly, she cried (well, not really, but metaphorically speaking) because I got 2 small popcorns. I thought the kids could share one, and we could share one; given we were going out to lunch and all. 'That's not going to be enough' she scoffed; and when it wasn't (for her anyway!) I got a smirk and a 'I told you so' look as she went out to buy more.

We went to lunch and it was ok - about as ok as lunch with your parents, whom, you have seen most days of the week anyway, gets. We eat (ok, I eat) far FAR too much and roll back to the car to go home.

Except we've forgotten to pay for parking. I don't think I have ever paid for parking in this shopping centre; shopping is not something I tend to do much anyway. But, we haven't paid, and the door will not open for us.

Instead of walking (at best) 100m to pay $3 for parking, she expected me to sit there and argue with the guy who answers the phone if you have a problem, as to why we shouldn't pay for our car park; because they 'don't have a pay place anywhere NEAR here'.

I walked the 100m.

Lazy, egotisitcal and selfish. Only 3 reasons in 3 hours why what happened at work happened.

It was bound to happen...

2009-10-04T06:23:00.003+11:00

Heartburn that is. These past two weekends have been filled with so much food, wine, laughter, tears, panic attacks and fun that it's kind of half expected that I wake this morning feeling like I'm burping razor blades.

But oh what fun!

Last weekend was a trip up to see some very old and dear friends. It is a trip I look forward to and enjoy every single year; and again, I wasn't disappointed. We had a ball and I miss them terribly.

This week - work work work work. Nothing new there. Dad had another 'episode' (sounds so much more dignified than an attack of the crazies doens't it!!); but we managed him at home (with the specialist on the phone) - so whilst it's a down - he hasn't had one in 6 weeks - we managed it without hospital.

This weekend; Caught up with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in aaageess and drank a beautiful bottle of 2001 Cab Sav with her, before tumbling into bed at midnight.

Yesterday was my sisters hens day. An afternoon of pedicures and make up (that wasn't all that, I looked like bloody BOZO THE CLOWN) before we trekked off to the Chinese restaurant for dinner and a bit of a show. Nacho (seriously) did a big puppetry of the penis demonstration which was rather funny (even if a bit icky, t'was 18 times better than a stripper would've been!!) before coming home and speaking to my best friend in Perth for a few hours.

Daylight savings starts today; clock is foward and I've lost my beautiful morning hour.

Tomorrow; Riley has his 3rd set of grommets and adnoids out. We are grommet veterans, but nervous adnoid virgins. Wish him luck!

Busy

2009-09-22T05:47:00.002+10:00

It has been ridiculous around here of late. Since the big bang, I have been working flat out. If I'm not working, I am cleaning. If I am doing neither of the above, I am parenting. Or doing 4yo Kinder. Lets say I'm busy enough for the minute.

The house is OFFICIALLY sold. For a price that went above and beyond what we could have expected. We had 4 offers and I am so very glad that the people who have bought it did; they appear to really love it and will look after it (in particular my gardens!!).

We move out in January, so that's another thing that has worked really well. Considering there's not a heck of a lot out there, a bit of time will hopefully bring *our* house out and it'll all work out. I'm too busy to even worry if it doesn't!

School holidays have started here, which is yet another thing I have to work around. Once we get through all the 'already planned, organised and can't get out of' things, I will be able to organise myself a little better. I don't work well when I am not organised; and working 'this Tuesday, that thursday etc' ATM doesn't help.

Everything has settled a little at work; I'm doing my job, her job & Matts job (her other half who quit too - a good thing for him). M stayed; he and I work very well together, and he's happy with what I'm doing. It used to be very 'work xx, xx and xx' - now it's more 'don't care, just tell me when you're not going to be here'. Which has been really nice. There's a fair bit of pressure in that I have time limits on things now; but ATM I really enjoy it.

Connor has just stormed up here now (did I tell you how much I DON'T like having a child who wakes as early as I do!??) so I will close in saying that I am having a THREE DAY WEEKEND with some of my best friends in the world. I leave early (even for me!) Friday morning and don't come home till Sunday night. And the best bit - EVERYONE is telling me to go and have fun! Not one single 'oh, but what about work'!!!

Both gone

2009-09-14T05:46:00.001+10:00

The house and my sister. I start today. The house is sold; but we just dont' know who too yet. It'll be officially sold on Wednesday.

Now to find us a house!

Bang - now to see where the remanents lay...

2009-09-10T05:25:00.003+10:00

I was going to do more 'tada' posts; but something is wrong with my mouse and I can't drive the tab options here for some reason (if anyone can assist the luddite, my mouse wants to 'clip' things all the time instead of just pointy point and highlight like it should).

So, instead, I'll tell you about the big bang.

The rest of my world is just fine. There is plenty of interest in the house, so we expect that to be gone in the next week or so (thank CHRIST because these inspections are killing me!). Dad is still on the up (we found out why everyone wants to believe he's some closet swilling alco - and that is because apparently, according to the liver clinic, some ridiculous amount of people end up with transplant - AND START DRINKING AGAIN; logic much??), the kids are fine and Grant is fine (except he ate a dodgy sausage roll yesterday - I say suffer because he didn't eat his lunch!).

But work. Oh my god, work.

As I have probably told you, I work for family. Since Dad got sick, that family has decreased by 1. M, who has been there since I was like 3 (there are old tables we still have in the workshop in which I have 'written' letters to him) has taken over the running. That was my fathers wish, and I am more than happy with the arrangement.

My spoilt little bitch sister though? Epic fail.

She is not coping with it at all. When Dad was in charge, she could steamroll him and yell and scream etc and really, have nothing happen (I do blame my father for most of what has happened, he created it and now needs to fix it). She can't tell M to get lost, can't tell him anything really; because he simply will not put up with her shit (have I told you that I heart M??). So, the little digs, backstabs and pain in the arse attitude have just climbed higher and higher.

M has been doing both his job and my fathers; and has done far better than anyone could've thought. His wife is in hospital (knee reconstruction), he has 4 youngish children and is doing two peoples work.

J says to no one in particular yesterday (and please picture and hear the *sigh*, woe is me, drop of the shoulders the world is on it type thing) 'The company cannot keep running as it is'.

I meander out of my office and ask her why she thinks this is so.

She babbles here and there and comes up with 'There are four quotes that he hasn't done that are sitting on his desk' (meaning M. And let me say that if Dad were here, there'd be 34 at any given time and he'd be feeling qutie 'caught up').

I then say 'hellooo, his job doesn't just stop because Dad isn't here you know. He's doing the boys, the quotes, the computer programming, the invoices, the schematic drawings aswell as Dads job'.

'Hummpphh' is the reply and nothing else is said.

Until later.

Turns out her nemesis (she does have a few) has overheard the conversation and runs to M to 'watch his back'. I get a phone call from M beyond furious, beyond hurt and honestly, in the 30 years I've known him, have never heard him like this. He quits, is hurt and cannot believe she cannot see everything he has / is doing to help both our father and the company.

I am so shaken I drive over to speak to my father. He's completely floored; see, no one has told him any of the little narky things that have been going on because he's sick. I lay it all on the table, plus what happened tonight and he's floored.

He calls M and M hits him right between the eyes with everything that is going on. He will not/cannot work with her and there's going to have to be a choice.

Dad calls sister and next thing, I am the biggest arsehole in the world because *I* dobbed. Until she found out what happened.

I haven't found out what has gone on since; but at last check, she was a sobbing 'no one loves me' mess.

Is it a really bad thing to hope that your sister gets the sack? Even though it means I will have to go back full time? (or at least 4 days)......

Little bit of a 'tada'

2009-09-05T04:55:00.004+10:00

The whole before and after photos. You can now really see just how crap a photographer I really am!!!

Still going....

2009-09-04T05:48:00.002+10:00

Just a quick one; he's STILL not in hospital!!! Can I start to whisper that I *think* this time we're managing things?

House is on the market; when I get more than 5 minutes to scratch myself, I will post some photos. They come up really well and there is an awful lot of interest!! It went on the net Wednesday, we've had 20 enquiries and 2 inspections already!

7 days

2009-08-30T05:30:00.002+10:00

It's now been 7 days since dad was last discharged. SEVEN days. I'm just waiting for it all to fall down again.

The house is almost ready. I will take some photos today and show some 'before' and 'afters'. Trust me, it's not all that; but it came up well (I think).

Back to walking on eggshells...

Err, hello, I'm Shel and I'll be your blog host today...

2009-08-23T07:04:00.004+10:00

I apologise for my lack of update; things around here have been beyond ridiculous.

Dad: has been in and out of hospital since my last post. They are talking dialysis (cleaning out the toxins in the blood by pulling it out, cleaning it and putting it back again) if this keeps on going. We have ditched the first specialist and now have a new Liver specialist and a gastroenterologist. Things aren't looking up or down; they are just looking. So, whilst they are just that, so will I be.

House; is almost ready for market. The photographer will be here Monday week, so it's been very much 'sorting, moving, packing and prettying'. I do have some photos of each room 'before' and very soon I will take some of 'after'. The painter has finished inside (except for whatever I write on my list between now and Thursday) and only has a little bit of the outside to do (because Grant will not have time to finish). It's come up well; hell, if I wasn't selling it, I'd buy it!!

Kids; gosh, considering what has been going on around here of late, the kids have been awesome. House full of wet doors? No problem. Mum stressed over one thing or another? Eeasy. They are both good kids at the end of the day - Riley is getting another award at school on Monday. I will be unable to attend, but it worked beautifully that G will be able to.

Today we take some stuff to mum and dads (only for storage, we're minimising the pictures/trinkets etc), drop into work to pick up a few bits and pieces and then we're home to clean out the shed, polish the floors and continue prettying/cleaning.

Our final home run will include cleaning up outside, getting some pretty little plants to brighten up the place and the RE comes over Sunday to pick up keys.

We haven't even started looking; I refuse to start that until I finish this. So, one more week.

There's been a bit of an 'incident' with G's family. There are 4 families (plus G's parents) and in total there are 12 children. Each year, we have been buying Christmas presents for all of them; and as more came, it was starting to get ridiculous. So, at Christmas, the 3 girls and 1 husband (because the 4th wife didn't come up that time) discussed the idea of Kris Kringle for the children. That way, they would all get something more substantial (durable!!) and not 18 things that are made in China and break in 3 days. All good; what a good idea etc etc.

This week, I put forward who had who for the KK. 4th wifes husband hasn't told her, and she feels 'it's more personal to give all the kids presents and I'm still upset we don't do it for the adults'. Because, you know, what you need is more shit you don't need. Then I receive another email from 4th wife telling me that '3rd wife didn't realise it was for the children, she thought it was for the adults and she doesn't want to do it either'. Which is a complete load of rot, because we all discussed it in depth. But, hey, if she wants to lie, who am I to judge?

So, we say 'whatever, I think it's stupid, but whatever'. 1st family (we can be the 2nd family) also say it's stupid and an utter waste of time and money, as do G's parents. I now an am uber bitch in 4th wifes eyes (because *I* organised it without telling anyone, or at least, have not been clear enough; 4th wifes husband has wisely shut up and played dumb, and with the 3rd wifes lies, is the only conclusion she can reach) and have sensibly not heard from 3rd wife.

Considering neither 3rd or 4th wife remember anyones birthdays, all this 'happy families and Christmas is important' rubbish is running rather shallow. It looks more and more like a present grab, whereby families 1, 2 & 3 pay less attention to 'spending limits' and more to what the particular child will like; family 4 spend not a cent more than the limit and mostly buys things that do not fit, work or appropriate.

I am very dirty on that. But, what do you do?

So, I shall continue on. I'm certainly NOT looking after myself; I'm either not eating at all for 2 days, or eating rot after I've not eaten for 2 days. My face looks like I'm 16 again and whilst my weight hasn't gone one way or another; I feel very routund and tired. The better I deal with dad, the better I will deal with life. And it's not going to get better, or easier, or managed. There are too many variables, however slight, that cause a relapse. So, we just wait out the 5 days until we go back again and on the 5th day, he rests and gets dripped and managed in a controlled environment. Even outside temperature is a variable for him. How much he walks, whether he has too little water when it's 2 degrees higher than what it was the day before are variables.

It sucks. I'm getting a tree full of lemons. I'm making lemonade out of it; but it has a very bitter taste.

It all starts to become a little much when it's real

2009-08-10T19:56:00.002+10:00

You know when you fall over and scrape your knee; it hurts like a bastard, but you know that eventually it will all be fine. That the cut will slowly scab, itch and eventually, leave barely a mark. In 12 months time, you'll giggle at the ridiculous squeal you omitted when you suffered such an injury.

I've put all this stuff with my father into this category. Bung liver? Pfft. Give it a few years and he'll be right as rain. He's done nothing even remotely untoward for at least 7 years now; surely that has to count for something? Attack of the crazies? Pfft; one drip full and he's back to normal.

Except, it's starting to not go that way.

Today it hit me like a big bag of potatoes. He's dying. This is not some little issue with a knee; or something that will heal up and be gone. It's here to stay, warts and all. It will be what takes my father away in the end.

I went over there today and he looked awful. 'It's just the tablets' both of them are telling me; but do they really think that? Or, like me, are they trying desperately to make it fit into the 'it'll be fine' box - when it obviously is not going to fit there?

I have no idea what to do. I want to do so much; yet, at the same time, I want to cover myself in the blanket called denial and just pretend that he's just 'got the flu' and will be back at work this week. That it won't be a long term thing because he'll be fine.

But, I'm really starting to doubt that now. I am honestly starting to think that this will be the death of him.

And I dread that moment.

A song, from the early 90's keeps popping in my head; and it's filled with bits of advice for living. It basically says 'worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum'. Which, is true. But, it's like living on tenderhooks.

'How is he today?' has become my mantra.

And each time he gets better, and then slides backwards, I feel like an over-optimistic fool. I nearly shout it from the rooftops that 'he's fine' when, for a whole day, he's fine. But, the following day turns into a bad one; and I feel even more useless than I did before.

Surely I would know when my father is going to die?

What scares me the most, is what my gut is telling me. I can't even put that into words.

I have been keeping myself relatively busy with work, the house and the kids. It's actually been pretty good; work all day, come home and pack/unpack some more stuff, do the dinners and lunches and go to bed. But some nights, like tonight, I find myself shovelling mulch in the pouring rain crying my heart out.

I said it was going to be a busy week, but really....

2009-08-08T06:13:00.002+10:00

Well, as it turned out, I was very busy this week; it was just very little of the above got done. I will apologise for the length now, because it's going to be a big one.

Monday; The day was at work, the night was shifting furniture, packing boxes and sorting half the house out for the painter.

Tuesday; was a normal day. Except I also had kinder duty. So, school, groceries, swimming, kinder, lunches, dinner etc. Night was moving furniture around, getting organised for my course the next day.

Wednesday; I did it. I got to the course, got the kids to school and everything was rosy. The course itself is really interesting and perfect for what I need. It also helped considerably that the teacher was very nice to look at.

Let me pretext what comes next by saying that Connor had grandparents day at school on Wednesday; and that mum and dad were going up there.

At about 2pm Mr nice looking told us to go have a break. I checked my phone and saw that one of the guys from work rang. So, I go downstairs and call him back.

'Hows your Dad?' he asks.
I ask him WTF he's talking about; he was meant to be at Connors Grandparents thing, so he might not have ended up coming in at all.
'Where are you' he asks.
'In the city on that course' I reply.
He then gets into a complete dither, apologising because he thought I was with him etc etc. My sense of urgency grows and I nearly spit at him "what the bloody hell is going on?"

I call mum who says 'he's not right'. He has tried to plug his disposable razor into a power point, can't get his shirt on and is trying to call work with the TV remote. He's slurring, dizzy and he's not right. She tells me not to bother coming home (yeah sure).

I tell nice looking man I have to go, as my father is sick. He's totally fine with it and I shoot home. Walk into mums and near on die myself. He looks completely vacant and can talk, but very VERY slowly.

It takes him forever to tell me that 'he's fine' and that he'd 'spin out' if I took him to hospital. So, I call 000 and explain the scene to them. By this point, we are nearly positive he's had a mild stroke. Ambos come (lovely people they are) and whisk him off to hospital with mum in tow. Connor, who was at mums, announces to no one in particular that 'poppy has gone to die now'. I nearly agreed with him. G picks up Connor and I head up there too.

Midnight. After 5 hours of triage, shambles and tests, we finally get a general diagnosis. encephalopathy. So, not a stroke. Mum and I leave at 1am at least relieved to know he's not had a stroke and that this attack of the crazies is probably not permanent. They ask him todays date a hundred times; each time it changes. March 1990, June 2000 etc. As the hours progress and the thiamin? is dripped through him, he becomes more and more coherent.

The next day at the public hospital, we walk in to find a group of interns grading his alcohol withdrawal. Not a big thing for a great number, I give you that, but I nearly burst into tears at the fact that we were back at the fucking start with this place. I crack the sads and call his specialist. Until this point, we had no idea exactly what it was. Now we know it's his liver, we'll call him. So we did, and Scott moved him out of the public, into our local private hospital. Even that took 5 hours; and I was already driving him there.

Where are we now? Well, he's much better. He's had more tests done, another ultrasound and a CTG to measure any brain damage, which has come back OK. The ultrasound/Xray was only done yesterday evening, so we don't quite know if it's all gotten worse or not yet. But, he's coherent, looking much better and Scott thinks that it was all caused by a combination of lack of B12, constipation and (due to the constipation) a build up of ammonia, which likes to get rid of B12. And no B12 can make people go crazy; especially liver patients who have no B12 in reserve.

Where am I now? Sitting in a brothel of a house. The kids just barely made it a normal week, although no homework got done (for the first time this year). In addition to all of the above, Riley got 'buddy bear' to take home this week. I think 'Buddy bear' will be going to Auskick and the hospital and that's about it.

My sister called the place where I had my course and they are more than happy for me to start the course again; which was a nice little relief. Not that it mattered, but I'd have liked to have finished it. Now I get that chance.

The painter has been fantastic. Left him a key, he's painted and it has all come up well. At least that's one good thing that happened this week.

Busy much? I did ask for it though....

2009-08-03T05:57:00.003+10:00

This week I am;
working
groceries
kinder duty
swimming
dropping children off @ 7am so I can make my 9am course for three days
Packing/unpacking for the painter
Organising carpet
Painting outside
Mulching
cleaning out the shed
Getting 4yo kinder offers out

amongst all the regular every day things you do when you have 2 kids. Except, my husband will be away.

We've decided we're going to take full advantage of this housing bubble and put ours out for sale before the bubble bursts. So, on Thursday, we got a real estate agent out to check it all out. Saturday, we got our painter friend over to price it. He starts Tuesday morning.

This week is going to hurt. But, if I get through this, the rest will be eassssy.

Just wish me luck!!

Finding the balance

2009-07-28T05:42:00.003+10:00

Balance; I think I haz it. For the most part anyway. Usually, theres always something to throw out the equillibrium of life; it's work that is a hiccup when my home life is great, or something happens at home to throw out the balance when work is great. For the first time in (at least) awhile, things seem balanced.

I start a new course next week. For 3 full days, I have to train it to and from the city to attend a course regarding the work I am now doing.

I'm terrified.

Not only is the work I'm doing mostly a 'boys world' (the last course I was the only girl); but I have to get up, find a car park at the station, get the train with 18000 other people and spend 3 full days learning about this program.

By nature, I have a degree of agoraphobia. Although, it's more a fear of getting lost; and trust me, if there is an opportunity to get lost, I will find it. But, this fear takes over and I'm sure it's why I end up getting lost.

I won't sleep the night before it starts and I'll get there about 3 hours before it starts - I'll allow myself 'enough time' to get there.

I just hope I get something out of it.

And don't tell anyone, but I am vaguely thinking of #3. I can't believe I said that out loud.

A month has passed....

2009-07-24T19:04:00.003+10:00

It's been a long time. But, it's been a long month. I sit here tonight, @ 7pm ready for bed and ready to leave all sorts of things in this month; in particular this week.

It seems as though my family is receiving a big hug tonight. The house is warm, the kids are happy and the jobs are done. I sit here, writing, feeling as though big things have ended for me. But good big things. But big (and exhausting!) nonetheless.

Firstly, my father. Is doing so well it nearly makes me angry. I know that sounds silly, but all that guesswork and predictions by specialists - turned out to be little more than the wrong medication. It nearly makes me cry just writing that - how dare these people put my family through that. Putting him through that. Over a freaking tablet.

But it is such a joy to see him now. The revelation that he will not live forever is not lost on him. He is living again. He's happy and interested; but he's also relaxed and willing to let go of the small stuff. His grandchildren make his eyes shine and the laugh lines come back to his face. Work is merely a blip on his radar these days and truly, it's a beautiful thing to see.

He's doing so well that he's off all his medication. All the reminders of his life past are gone; he's now considered a healthy person. And, even just having that mindset is doing him the world of good. He is going to see a dietician tomorrow (and if you know my father, you'll understand just how different that is for him) and is starting to really participate in life; rather than just watch it float by in a neverending spectacle of profit/loss reports, cash flow problems and employee issues.

On the bad side; those issues have now befallen my sister and myself. Which, is a double edged sword that, until today, were stabbing me constantly. I felt torn, confused and very very angry. But, today was the end of a great chapter in our family life.

I have probably said earlier that my sister and I are completely different people. Having two completely different people left in charge of a company is not a good thing; and don't ever let anyone tell you it is. Loving a person as a sister; yet loathing having to deal with her in a work environment is probably one of the harder things I have done. The tension, the stress, the anger, the sadness has now given way to mass waves of relief. The wound has burst; now it can heal. And god I hope it does.

This week also marked the first anniversary of the death of my friend, Craig. It's hard to believe that a year has gone since he died; but there was a beautiful memorial held for him with hundreds of people turning up and the convoy of motorbikes and all his old cars making their way up towards the place where his life could be celebrated was a perfect idea. Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' far too loud on the stereo, a beer in his honour and a great number of laughs. He'd have loved it and I'm sure he was watching.

The day after was his birthday; so from a smiling memorial where all the good times were remembered, came the day where he should have been here. He just should.

A repeat of last years kinder issues also threatened to rear up it's ugly head again; mother lion came out and nearly didn't think before she acted. Now, as I sit here at the end of it all, contemplating the 'could've, should've would've's' - I'm glad I did have a think. Because, in the end, it was all a bigger deal to me than to him.

This week has also been the commencement of my position on the committee. 4yo kinder offers went out this week, and, because of my own stupidity, have mucked my own preferences up. I'm still not quite sure what to do on that front yet, but I have decided to wait and see. Whatever is meant to be, will happen.

We are still deciding what to do with the house; whether to keep it and rent it out, or just get rid of it. Slowly, we're fixing bits and pieces, cleaning things up and just in general making it a little easier on the eye. Whatever we do, none of this work will go to waste. And we're not really looking at anything else yet, and our friend the real estate agent doesn't know yet either. When it's time, it will all work itself out.

Our camping trailer also went this week. It now offers the ideas and dreams with what comes next. Should we get a caravan, or should we get another trailer? Dreaming about that is also a prominent feature in my life at the moment. But it's very nice to come home to an empty space where the trailer used to be.

My sisters wedding is also approaching rapidly and I am now almost positive that she doesn't want to marry him. But, talking to her about is futile; she will marry him anyway, even if it does turn out to be because she didn't want to admit she was wrong. All we can do is pick her up if and when she falls over; and take heart that he treats her well.

The children are both in a really good place now; Riley is at a stage where he's just turning into a proper 'school kid'. The beginning of Prep saw his uniform too big, too new and far too green. The colours are starting to fade, become more a part of him; and all that 'newness' has paved the way for growing up. He's a proper schoolkid now - and for him, it's a beautiful thing.

Connor is nearly 4 and cannot wait to be 5 and 'go to Auskick and big boy school'. Part of me is sad he wants to grow up so quickly - he is a big handful, so full of life, passion and laughter that his 'toddlerness' seems to have been extended. He is loved by everyone and that sparkle in his eyes has everyone chuckling 'Dennis the Menace' style. Whilst Riley has that coveted 'first grandchild' place in his Poppy's heart, Connor and him have a different sort of special bond. Connor does what Poppy would like to do, if only he weren't a 56 year old. And the laughs the two of them have together is more the heartwarming.

G. Dear G. Who is loving his job and is all things to all people. He is loved at work, and missed when he's there by us. Watching the three of them together, playing 'Power rangers' or 'Wrestling' just make me so happy. The way those children love their father is truly a delight to watch; and watching him just watching them sometimes nearly brings a tear to my eye. He's just so perfect a dad.

Tomorrow night we will go and help a friend clear up their property. It'll be just the two of us, as the kids are off to Grannys and Poppys for a sleepover. They are excited about it; and we are looking forward to, finally having a little bit of 'us' time - instead of falling in an exhausted heap at the end of the night. He'll be home soon and he can have his sigh of relief that another project is finished and under his belt as experience. He's so happy with his job and what he is doing; and it's taken a long time coming.

Plod plod plod

2009-07-05T21:20:00.001+10:00

Again, the comfort that routine brings is calming. Like a big blanket and hot soup on a cold rainy winters day.

Why is it that sometimes I want to throw the rug off, tip the soup down the sink and run outside; and other times it's all I want in life?

Shut down

2009-06-30T20:33:00.001+10:00

Some people have a need to talk when there is something not so right in their lives. Me, I tend to shut down. Completely. Which, while is probably not very healthy, is something that I have just been used to doing.

This time I made a big effort and slightly unloaded. To 3 people.

Making yourself vulnerable is really hard. But, I am glad I did.

The story of the goat

2009-06-28T20:12:00.003+10:00

Has anything ever happened to you, that if you heard it from someone else; you'd never ever have believed it?

I was about 32w pregnant with C and happened to be loading Riley into the car to head home from mums. Mum had come out to say goodbye and we were nattering away in the sunshine. Normal day.

I heard a noise that sounded like a kid crying. It got louder and louder; but not in intensity, just that it was getting closer. Up at the T-intersection, was a guy walking past. With a kid. As in a baby freaking goat. Dragging it by the back legs.

Now. I should stop here and inform you of a number of things.

1. My mothers house is in definate suburbia. I mean, parks etc are nearby, but by anyones definition; this is suburbia. Please keep this in mind.

2. I (and my mother) are huge animal rights activists. Huge. Both of us happen upon stray animals quite regularly; all of our family pets have happened upon us. Molly, who was going to get drowned; spot, who we found in a wood pile etc etc. Any sort of animal cruelty makes me ill.

3. I am 32 weeks pregnant (and there is something about me and 32 weeks pregnant. Riley, I cracked my cocxyc and C, this happened and then 2 days later I smashed my face. I aint having more children for largely that reason alone!!)

4. It was rubbish day, so everyones bins were still out. Empty, but out.

Ok.

So, we see this guy walking up the road dragging a baby goat. After we picked our mouths up off the ground (after all, this is suburbia), mum starts yelling at the man to put the goat down.

He completely ignores my mother and keeps ambling along, with this dear little goat bleating behind him, dragged on his back.

My mother, instantly turned into a screaming harpie. It's like a switch for her; but she's screaming at the guy. I'm standing at the car with my son in his carseat gibbering away - he's got no idea what is going on.

Mum realises that screaming like a banshee is not working. She yells out to me to 'stay there, I'm going to call the police' and I'm still standing there dumbfounded that a freaking goat is being dragged up the road!!

The cleaner comes out to see what is going on and I think 'you know, I should just follow him and see where he's going so that I can tell the police where he is (you know, because the police are sooo going to come out sirens blazing over a goat being dragged up the road). I ask the cleaner to watch R whilst I follow.

I carefully make my way up to the corner, because I can't see him anymore. You know, I am a girl, I am 32 weeks pregnant and this guy could be an absolute nutter. (You know, just in case the dragging of the goat didn't confirm that).
k l;k

I see him as soon as I turn the corner. He's screaming all sorts of something at me and I'm just trying to get the goat off him. I plead, beg, yell and even offer to buy the freaking goat; just please stop dragging it along the footpath like that.

Dunno if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but Mr nutty goat man decided to take my advice and stop dragging the goat. Very swiftly, he picked up the goat and carried it to our neighbours recycling bin. And put the goat into the bin, takes the bin and proceeds up the road with a wheely bin with a goat inside.

I was utterly horrified.

I'm still following him at this point; far enough away that I could run (yeah, who was I kidding, maybe I could've rolled) away, but close enough to be able to talk (?) to him and see where he was going.

He was getting rather agitated at me at this point, and started telling me to 'Piss off'. I kept repeating no, I was not going to piss off until he either let the goat go, or give the goat to me. That the police had been called and were on their way.

He started roaring at me - I was this, that and the other thing; and not only that, he did have a gun and was going to shoot me. I didn't believe he had a gun (seriously, he was more looney than scary), and figured his aim was going to be fairly off trying to lug a wheely bin, a goat and himself up, what was starting to be, a bloody big hill.

He crossed through the park and stopped to catch his breath. I stopped when he stopped, after all, I wasn't out to be a hero - I just wanted to know where he was going. Anyway, he took the goat out of the bin and went into the backyard of a house opposite the park.

I was rapt at this point. He was in a backyard, he couldn't possibly chuck the goat over a fence or anything, and the police were going to be there soon (of course they were, a goat was being dragged!!). But, of course, the owner of the house happened to pull into his driveway at just that time.

The little elderly gentleman hopped out of his car and looked at me funny; after all, I was pregnant, hot, frustrated and standing out the front of his house. I told him that maybe he might not want to go in there just yet; because there was a lunatic with a goat (I know, can you believe it!!) in his backyard and he might just want to wait for the police.

Instead of looking worried, this 4ft little italian man went beserk. Screaming obscenties (well, I'm sure they were, they sounded like it!!) with 'He got my goat, I keeeel him, I keeeel him!!' every so often.

He abrubtly turned from me and marched into his backyard. And dragged this lunatic out on by his ear. It was the oddest sight I had ever seen; this tiny little Italian bloke dragging out this 6ft tall lunatic. But, the weirdest bit was yet to come.

There were TWO goats. Little Italian man, as it turned out, also had a goat. And he thought that 6ft tall lunatic had stolen his goat. What started off as a screaming argument between them turned out to be a Thanks, have a great day amongst the two of them. Little Italian man shakes his hand, takes the goat and walks inside, not even looking backward at me.

I'm standing over the road with my mouth gaping open. I literally cannot believe it. Two goats in the one street.

So, little Italian man has gone inside and I am left all alone with one lunatic and no goat. He marches over to me, grabs my shoulder and starts screaming about some girl called Sue at the RSPCA. I say nothing except 'you should NOT drag a goat up the road' and eventually he just gives up and shoves me away. He starts up the bloody big hill.

I'm ok, but am very hacked off at the police; I bloody told them he was a nutter. And, not two seconds after he leaves my line of sight, Keystone cops style, 3 cars come screaming up the road. I pointed out the direction he took and wandered back to mums.

On the way home I realised what an idiot I had been and howled until I got to mums. Where we waited for the police to come and take a statement. And waited. And waited.

We're still waiting.

Now. If someone told you that story you'd not ever have believed it. But, true enough; every single thing happened!!

Bizarre or what?!!!

Reasons why.....

2009-06-14T16:20:00.003+10:00

It's not so much about the safety of wildlife for me; although it is certainly up there. It is the thought that, someone, somewhere, will find my poor cat on a road, runover by a car. Paralyzed from the neck down freezing. The fact that I would have to rely on someone else to reassure him, cry for him and be kind to him and take him to the vet at 6am, being prepared to pay whatever bill was required.

The fact that someone else would be notified that there is nothing the vet could do; he would have to be euthanased. And that my cat would be all alone. I would never forgive myself.

They are why I keep my cat locked inside. With an enclosure attached.

To the person whose cat it was I found on the road outside our house yesterday morning; it's ok. I looked after your cat, took him to the vet and reassured him that he was going to be ok. It was I that cried when the vet called and I who mourned his loss. I don't even think you'd know yet - your cat wasn't microchipped. Hopefully the council will notify you tomorrow.

Just so you know - he wasn't alone. And someone has spent 2 days crying over such a stupid loss.

If you do decide to get another animal - please keep him inside at night. Not for the wildlife - but for his own safety. PLEASE.

Random thoughts 101

2009-06-10T04:41:00.003+10:00

Random thoughts (in no consecutive order);

Why am I feeling so lonely?

Dad: Fucking doctors and guessing. He's off to hospital today we hope....*it's all good, it's all good*.....they've taken him off ALL his medication, what happens if he has a heart attack, how are they going to treat him now, what happens if he does need a transplant, OMFG my father is going to die one day, how will I cope with that....*IT'S STILL GOOD, IT'S STILL GOOD*

I wish to christ this flu would bugger off. I've missed TWO WEEKS off work, Riley's missed one week of school and now Connor is on antibiotics. I'm living within these 4 walls and it's driving me mental, but it's nice being a stay at home parent sometimes, no it's not, I hate it and want to go back to work, but there's nothing to do at work, so there's no point in forcing the kids back when there's nothing to be running back for...

Mafia bash was good; talk about complete talk-it-up to my girlfriend though!! They changed it all around and it was the more BORING night ever!! Although, we DID see Mick Gatto which was very interesting....

Why am I feeling so lonely?

How's Jenn going? Is she enjoying her beautiful little boy? Oh how I hope so. I hope that this is everything and more she thought it would be. I should send her a card, would that be weird, no I know Jenn would love it...

Why am I feeling so lonely?

I should really apologise to K for the other week. I am still mortified over it. I know she doesn't care, but it showed me a few things. Her birthday is coming up, I will sit down and write her a letter. I know she'll understand and I will put what I want to say down far better than talking to her with that meathead around. Next time, we should do something completely different.

Why am I feeling so lonely?

I SHOULD get a real estate agent in here and value this place so we can see what we are up for whichever option we take. But it needs so much WORK!!! If I start doing something, we'll slowly get it where we're happy to sell it. It doesn't REALLY need THAT much work; I know, if I keep ontop of everything, it will all be ok. I don't want to sell this, I want to keep it and rent it, but no, I want to sell it and go in without a committment, I SHOULD see a financial advisor, but I don't want to overcommitt, but I DO want to keep this house.....

Why am I feeling so lonely?

Work is quiet when I AM there. tick, tock, tick tock go the hours. There are A HUNDRED things I could be doing other than sitting here and doing nothing. Why am I working? Why don't I just go find another job? Oh, but if I do that, I'll break Dad's heart and J will resent me forever, do I really want that, I don't CARE what she thinks, but she's my sister......

I've been a very good girl and done a whole heap of baking; keep on top of that. It's easy, it's half fun and the kids love my banana cake. Only do what you can do though; no pressure and you'll want to keep doing it. You don't eat the type of things that are in the freezer, so there is no worry about weight.

Saving money; if we can save money, we can move to the next thing we want to do. Oh, swimming/electricity/rates/kinder etc are due? R and C need new clothes and G went away for the weekend? Oh yes. We'll start saving THIS week. Oh that's right, it's J's and G's birthday...Ok, next week....arrggh, we are NEVER going to hit our goal at this rate!!!

All these excuses over weight loss; for what? Do what needs to be done and you will have the results you want to have? But who cares anyway, it's only me and there are far more important things to be worried about right now; and I'll start tomorrow. Stop the woe is me and hurry up. DO SOMETHING and you will SEE SOMETHING. No, pills will NOT help you, no one would give them to you anyway and you already know what to do, you just need to put up and shut up....

Why am I feeling so lonely?

FINALLY some rain. It's annoying and it's cold and it's icky - but that rain is more than needed. I hope hope hope that this will be the year we get some half decent rain; I am secretly terrified of what happens if we run out of water. Please rain for at LEAST today. Pour down; just end up in the freaking catchments.

Why am I feeling so lonely?

Amongst many others...

Favorite Blogs?

2009-06-02T20:31:00.003+10:00

What are yours? I have a select number that I read religiously - most days in fact. But, I want more. Any subject matter at all; I just want to find some more nice blogs to read.

What are your five favorite Blogs?

Poking through the clouds...

2009-05-31T07:51:00.003+10:00

This week has been an utter write off. I have been rather...ill? Nothing majorly serious, just some virus that kept me in bed for most of the week.

Yesterday was a beautiful day; and today hopes to bring more of it. Hopefully, we'll get a chance to clean up outside a little, play some footy and later even have a nanna nap. Then a roast dinner, lunches etc and get the house back to normal all ready for the week.

Dad thinks he might even come into work tomorrow. We all know he'll come in, sook about how things weren't always done *his* way, open the mail and then go home. But, he'll have thought himself 'well enough to come to work'. But he's improving - really improving.

Not much else going on around here; lots of thoughts running around my head and it's a little struggle at the minute to pin them down. It feels nicer that they are flowing around and not stopped and examined. I should do it more often!

He's OK

2009-05-27T15:29:00.001+10:00

Now I've fallen on my butt. Worry about someone else for too long and I tell you, your own immune system will punish you severely.

Will write more later; but I thought I'd better just update. Thank you all for your incredible thoughts; they were much appreciated.

2009-05-24T07:43:00.003+10:00

Outside my father being ill, things are going along as standard. R is doing very well at school - his reading ability is out of this world and he is just the personality that is so well suited to the school environment. He's had 3 awards at school, and is just plodding along. No school politics for Riley - he's friendly with everyone and doesn't have a bad word to say about anyone.

One grommet has fallen out and one is due to fall out. And the best bit is that, this time, there is very little difference in him socially. When he lost the first set, I could have just about told you the hour in the day - the difference was just so BIG and so IMMEDIATE. This time; I can barely tell. Which means the tubes are finally dropping.

The specialist wants us to wait until October before we get another audiology report - we need to wait for the other grommet to drop out first (which may have already happened) and see what happens with the tubes. Inserting too many sets of grommets create scar tissue that could well cause future hearing problems - so it's very much a case of cost/benefit analysis at the minute. Bernie really feels that the tubes will drop sufficiently enough soon on their own; and the difference in him isn't enough to justify risking more hearing problems yet. It sounds weird when it's written down; but he made perfect sense to me.

Connor. Bloody Connor. If I don't laugh, I'll cry over that kid, I swear it. He's just so much work. His attention span is about 5 seconds long and he's such a lively and passionate kid; he's like a mental walking cyclone. You chop and change what he wants 35 times a day and chucks a wobbly because he doesn't want to do something - and then you say 'ok, lets have a banana then' and he chucks another wobbly because he wants the peaches.

He's loving kinder - mostly because it's the ideal environment to chop and change every 30 seconds. It's play based too; so it's all just a great place to whirl around cyclone style with a thousand other kids.

Me? I'm ok. I put myself on the bottom of the 'look after' list again - and it was something that I am a little disappointed with - but the gap between 'ah, hang on' and 'lets get moving' is shortening with time.

My relationships are very good at the minute. We are team working and are laughing together; it feels almost the same as it used to. But, it's like what happened turned us both into grownups.

He's off for the Queens birthday weekend - annual cray fishing boys only expedition. He's taking the kids to his mothers whilst I attend our annual Mafia Bash. The mafia bash is a dinner dance which is put on by the Lions Club which backs our biggest clients. All I will say is that they are big time loaded; and you don't get that loaded by doing what they do. So, each year we attend in good faith because we should and after 10 years of these nights; it's like groundhog day.

The first few we all really cared - went all out with dresses and limos and yada yada. This year? Pants, shirt and jacket with my sister driving. Awesome; when I'd rather be here.

But the rest of the weekend is for me alone. I am making NO plans and doing whatever *I* feel like. The dog, the cat and I will simply do what we want to do. The cat can sleep on the kids couch and the dog can do as he pleases without being mauled.

So, apart from dad, it's all pretty good.

Quick update

2009-05-21T15:53:00.002+10:00

He's being put into hospital on Monday - his hospital of choice wasn't availiable until then. So, on Monday he'll have 10 LITRES removed.

Short term/Medium term - the specialist has changed his medication. Whether that works or not remains to be seen, but the specialist is hopeful.

Otherwise Plan C. Start the talk of transplants. Yeah. Good luck with that.

So, up & down - but he's not going to keel over on me over the weekend.d

Daddy

2009-05-21T06:55:00.003+10:00

I'm so worried about what today will bring. I fear mostly that my strong, never-say-die, invincible father, will end up with something that, not only can't be fixed, but can't even be managed. What he has isn't easily treated - and Plan A failed. Plan C won't happen - not in his lifetime anyway. So a great deal will hinge on Plan B.

He went to the GP Monday with the expectation that Bill would just double his dose again and he would go home and everything would be fine. Not quite. There is a limit to what this medication will do - and it appears that, in his case, we have reached that limit. Adding more to it will do very little (nothing) and put even more stress on what already is a stressed out organ. So, since Monday, he's had to suck it up.

I went to Mums yesterday morning on the way to work; to 'drop off some spagetti tins' (read: to see how he was). He was in bed when I got there. The central heater was set at 28 (my POOR mother!!) and he was in bed fully clothed. Just before I left I went in to say goodbye - and honest to god he looked like he was about to die. Just so pale and frail and still.

I got in the car and, for the first time, howled. And, for the first time, contemplated my fathers invincibility. He could not get out of this one. He's come through so much in his life; and has done so much for so many - he cannot end in this pissy, awful way.

Today is the specialist appointment. We fully expect that he'll be in hospital tonight or tomorrow - I'll be disappointed and upset if he's not. He is very unwell and should be, at the very least, drained and then monitored.

Everything changes if this is really bad news. Everything.

What I have learnt

2009-05-17T07:17:00.002+10:00

1. Nothing matters much when your dad, Mr Invincible is sick. Pretty sick at that.

2. Dreams are not real - crying over a dream that is not real makes no difference. Those feelings of utter humiliation are still with me.

3. Not eating contributes to weight gain. If I could be bothered, I'd elaborate.

4. Eating the wrong foods contribute to my mental health

5. Refer #1.

Change your perspective, change your world

2009-05-12T16:38:00.003+10:00

Instead of being a big sooky la la about life; I need to jump in the deep end and change what I don't like. I know what I want to do; I know how to do it - now, all that's left, is to just jump in and do it.

The doing bit is the hardest. And, quite frankly, I don't even know why. It sounds easy on paper; eat this, do that and you will have your result in 12 weeks. But those 12 weeks seem to taper off - and they seem so damn long!!!

I need to make so many changes in so many aspects of my life; the weight is just the beginning. I can see though; once that comes off, so much more will follow. My headspace, my zest - many many things will be be possible.

I will admit here (nowhere else mind you!!) that I am scared. Of change. The habits of old, whilst obviously bad, are comforting. I like knowing where I'll be tomorrow, even if I don't like where that is.

And, I'm really REALLY starting to not like where I'll be tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And it is there that lies the problem. I can't like the knowing of something if it is no longer preferable to the unknown.

I have a funny feeling that these changes will turn my life upside down. And, I think that is where I am most fearful. I want to know what changes will take place - not the physical aspect, but the mental. What will I think of myself? My friends? My relationships? Will I still think and feel the same about them all? Whilst most of me really hopes so, there is a devils advocate in there wondering what if. And, if you are a long term reader of this blog, you'll know that what if and me do NOT have a great history.

But, I'm going to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I feel stagnant; backed into a corner and even that lucky last door is shrinking. This cannot be all there is to life.

Small changes are being made in small steps. I am starting to trust myself and find my direction (both literally and figuratively - I got to my friends all BY MYSELF on Friday night without getting lost and felt ridiculously proud of that) - and each time I do, I find a little bit more of that door opens.

The problem though; I simply don't fit. This fat person ain't going to fit through that new door.

Fat

2009-05-10T08:17:00.002+10:00

I feel awful. Fat, frumpy and stuck in a corner. It's as though I have a choice to make; either change it NOW - or 'this is your life' forever more. And the thought that this could be me forever more scares the bejesus out of me.

So, I have to change it. I can't live like this anymore and I need to stop lying to myself.

Holiday was grand; more on that when I get a little more than 5 minutes to myself.

xxxx

The reason I am organised.

2009-04-22T20:55:00.005+10:00

See, most people think that I am organised to the extent to which I must be insane. 'Whyyy???' and 'Howwww??' are two questions I get asked quite a bit.

How? Not something I can answer in 100 words or less.

Why? Well.

We leave for Queensland (leave here) at about 7am. I worked today, was flat out yesterday, so figured I'd need to be on the ball (heck, in front of the 8 ball) in order to pull this together. Not only did my back go today, so I needed to fit the Osteo in; but when I walked in the door from work at 4.3o today, I was greeted with this.

His ear was sticking right out of his head.

We think it was an ant; or maybe a spider. Claratyne and ice have fixed it; but at first I wondered if he hadn't stuck something in his ear. An emergency trip to the Doctor (and the Osteo for me) and all is sorted.

And that my friends, is why I am organised. I shall be back in 10 days.

Packing

2009-04-21T09:59:00.001+10:00

Hate it. I hate trying to fit everything I want to into the smallest bag/suitcase I can find. I especially hate the thought that I've forgotten something.

It'll be all good when we get there; but getting there appears to be a great deal of work. 2 more days.....

I'm getting a bit ridiculous...

2009-04-19T05:28:00.005+10:00

I used to update this blog with mundane crap constantly. Whilst I have things running through my head, I've not had a whole lot to say lately; I've been very 'meh' about life in general. I'm sure it's all the crap I have been eating, as I'm feeling nearly permanently hungover.

Easter was lovely - quiet, as is normal at the farm; but lovely nonetheless. I have finished my first short course at school and am now ready to start a more industry specific course when I get back.

Get back from where you ask? Yes, it has come that quickly - Thursday is QLD. 10 days of themeparking it. Ace.

I'm looking forward to the holiday, and the looks on the kids faces when we get to each and every freaking theme park - but I am just not that sort of holiday person. Give me a beautiful camping ground any day of the week. Still, I'm not complaining.

When G got back from working away this last time, it was harder than it has ever been on the kids. R was just at that age where he needs his dad. And, we saved a packet whilst he was working away. So, we thought we'd do something that they would love. Riley has always wanted to go to Australia zoo, so we thought what the hell. And, Kevin would be very pleased with us - paying CASH for an Australian holiday. So, that's what we did. All booked and paid for; now we just have to turn up and spend.

Riley started Auskick yesterday. Overnight, he's turned into a football junkie. Dragging G out every 5 minutes to kick the ball. I love that he loves it; Riley is generally not a ball type person. His brother (devastated about his inability to attend due to his age) has always been far more co-ordinated. So, to see Riley put himself out there, and want to have a go - is priceless.

In other news; his appointment with the ENT on Thursday went well. He's lost one grommet and still has another. Sounds like awful news - but in actual fact, it's pretty good. Last set, it was like a switch had turned off; he withdrew straight away. This time, the only real indication was a few 'what's' - which is (according to Dr Bernie) more than likely the fact that the grommet is still in his ear. It will fall out very shortly; but it is officially useless.

What will happen now? Well. We need to wait for the other grommet to fall out and see how we go. Then, once that has fallen out, we have another audiology report done; and then reassess from there. Dr Bernie thinks one tube has dropped sufficiently for his hearing to be more than adequate; but we can't see the other one whilst the grommet is still there. And, there is very little point having a hearing test with one grommet.

But for me to not really notice is HUGE. Mind bendingly so. Like I said, I could just about pick the hour he lost them last time, so whatever has happened, the tubes are definately improving. Which, should he need the grommets again, should only mean one more set of temporary and not even having to travel down the road of permanents.

We're nearly finished painting the outside of the house - why WE did it, I'll never know. But the colour looks 100% better with the roof - the old colour turned into a foul shade of pink when we turned the roof red. Funny how colours change once they are put next to others! Once we get back, we'll head back into full savings mode again and start the bathrooms. We want out of here; but figure the more we own, the better we'll be - and the nicer the house at selling time, the more $ we'll get! So, it'll just be a pretty up - I'm not moving things around or anything. Just new everything stuck in exactly the same places. And getting rid of those pain in the backside-show-every-single-bloody-thing tiles in the bathroom / toilets will be my favorite part.

Out for yum cha today to celebrate a friends birthday. These 4 girls are my blessing in disguise; we all have 'triangle' kids (not square enough to fit into the pre-ordained holes, but not completely off the charts either) and it is so nice to have people IRL who get it. Who understand the self blame, the needing to be normal. Then, we're off to the home show.

Should be a lovely day!

Perth

2009-04-06T05:54:00.003+10:00

Perth was a really good experience. It's a very pretty place; and this weekend, the place where a very long term friendship was mended.

Let me backtrack a little.

M. M, who I have known since I was 8, when we met at the caravan park we both used to go to every weekend (Back when there was such a thing as water in a lake). We used to write letters to our friends who lived over the other side of Melbourne and combined our first names, last names and addresses and found it funny (we read a couple we had received over the weekend, M is far more sentimental than I who never kept anything). M, whose world fell apart when she was 8 - her father was bashed over $10, had a stroke and passed away.

M and G are beautiful people. But they are at the opposite end of the spectrum to us these days. They have no children, are career focused; and they have some really beautiful stuff that they don't have to worry about getting broken by chubby little fingers. But, despite this massive difference in our lives, we remained close. M is the sort of person I never had to speak to every day; but would know she was around if I needed her. And vice versa. She was there for the birth of my kids; for my wedding; for my own world falling apart and coming together.

Over the last couple of years, M had started to get quite....distant. At first, I put it down to having very little in common anymore; but that label didn't quite fit what was happening to us. I, eventually, being so secure and all, put it down to our time running out and that any contact was more 'for old times sake'.

I'm not big on friendships for 'old times sake'. I don't like feeling that I am spoken to because it'd be too rude to not talk to me IYKWIM. So, I sent M a big email telling her that I loved her, that I would always love her; but she was free to go IYKWIM. The email I got back told me not to be silly, we were as close as ever, yada yada yada. 'OK' I thought; and we continued on.

A year to the day Saturday; M left. For Perth. No phone calls, no goodbyes, no kiss your butt; nothing. Just gone. It made no sense to me; in fact, I was positive something else was up. M couldn't go through term 1 of year 12 without having colour coded all her textbooks into subject (seriously, even her calculator had blue contact on it because it was for Maths); yet had gone to the other side of Australia without a job, house or anything else organised in 3 weeks.

I told her how hurt I was that she couldn't even say goodbye. And that I thought something big was going on with her; because this was just so...unlike her. She told me I was wrong. I knew I wasn't; but figured she didn't want to tell me. With all the unanswered emails and then the leaving; I was very much 'fuck it'. Fuck it, and fuck you.

Christmas eve came around last year with Rileys stitches, and all the other chaos that the day before Christmas brings for our family. M called; she was coming over at x time; we needed to talk. I didn't much care what she did by this point; she had hurt me immeasurably, had let me down countless times before; so I wasn't holding my breath for her to show.

2 hours after x time passed; no M. I made myself not live around what she was doing and continued to do whatever I was going to do; if she showed up now, then it was tough bikkies if I wasn't home.

She turned up. We had a light hearted banter and a couple of drinks; then she asked if we could talk. We went to the park next door with our glasses and had a chat.

Turns out, M has had a whole lot of stuff go on. Stuff that is not mine to broadcast; but suffice to say, I understood. I listened to her apologise for not feeling as though she could talk to me about it; but understood exactly why she didn't. She told me far more than was necessary and then left me to decide what I wanted to do.

So, decide I did.

And, I went to Perth to visit.

Even though it was 2 days, it was the best thing that could've happened. When I finally got in on Friday night, we stayed up all night talking. Laughing, crying; questioning and deciding. Saturday was a whole new start of our friendship; on a whole other level.

I am so glad I went. I had a ball; and I found my best friend again.

Helllooo Mr 8 ball....I seeeeeee youuuuu!!!!

2009-03-29T20:47:00.003+11:00

Well, the 8 ball is seemingly closer at the minute; everything (just about) is ready for the final week of school. Except, perhaps, the 6 year old.

We are having dramas with him and his ridiculously immature behaviour. For all the 'oh, he's started SO well' talk - it's come back to bite me on the bum. He's lost access to prize possessions this week, so we shall see what that brings.

G has been working ridiculous hours, which I am sure is contributing to this issue. He started work at 3.30 yesterday morning and, because it was Sunday; 5.30am today. This stupid job finishes tomorrow, so hopefully his next job will be A. a little closer to home and B. far less pressure for the boy.

So, I've been painting. We fixed and resealed the roof awhile ago, and the colours that were originally our external colours turned an awful shade of pink once the red became more prominent on the roof. So, when it came time to replace the gutters; we changed to a beige. Looks much better - but obviously that means painting the rest of the external. Joy.

Actually, it's not so bad. It was a perfect Autumn day here today; 25, nice breeze and silent in the neighbourhood. So the kids were playing (nicely for a change!!), the Ipod was on, and I got stuck into the decking.

I feel a little more... in control ??? I do go through fits and starts; generally it's a big "OMG am I really fixed mentally, or is this just a big farce" type thing - far greater things have happened in my past to bring on these trains of thought (None of which I am interested in revisiting; which surely is a good sign overall?) - but every so often I realise that I am living. And, sometimes, I freak out about it.

Internet is hazy; I did something stupid and now the internet is slow until the 8th. Has been good because I haven't missed it - but on the flip side, I've missed lots of blogs!! I've thought a lot about those I regularly read and hope that all is well.

Apart from that, things are so far so good. I'm off to see M this weekend in Perth, and then it's Easter. A big stay at the farm is exactly what the doctor ordered (that and school holidays!!). Then, a couple of weeks after that and we are headed to QLD for a big play with the kids.

When G went away for 6 months last year, it was really hard on the kids. They missed him and it really affected their behaviour. So, we decided to do something just for them. R has been wanting to go to Australia Zoo for as long as I can remember - so, amongst other commercial fun parks - we're going. I personally haven't been to the Gold Coast since I was 8, so it will be very interesting to see what's changed. Apparently I won't know the place. But, we're staying in Mermaid Beach, so at least it's not in the dead centre of town.

The weekend after I get back, my beatiful friend Lex graduates. I wish I had the words to explain just how PROUD I am of this girl. What she has accomplished, and how well she has accomplished them, just have me awestruck. She has done exceptionally well at school, with her kids, with her husband - she is just one of those people you wish the whole world to - because they deserve it.

She is having a party for her graduation. And, initially, we were going to be in QLD on the night of her party. But, I couldn't BEAR to miss out on congratulating her and sharing her joy. So, we moved our holiday!! Catching up with some of my most beautiful friends and congratulating this fine fine woman will be the highlight of my year.

So much coming - and I can't WAIT!!!

Just keep swimming...

2009-03-26T20:38:00.002+11:00

Is how I feel right about now. Not on the 8 ball, not even behind the 8 ball - I can't even see the 8 ball!!!

In other news, I'm off to Perth next weekend to visit a very old and good friend. Things tripped up between us for awhile, but I am very pleased to say that things are definately looking up. Even the 4 hour plane trip by myself is something I am looking forward to!!

I'm just plodding along; hopefully the 8 ball and me will meet up again soon.

Riley

2009-03-18T11:37:00.002+11:00

I wrote this about my son this morning; and feel it is an appropriate blog post too!!

I am just SO proud of this kid. This time last year, his whole life was 'I can't'. He had very few friends and would barely say three words because of his lack of confidence. He wasn't as good at *kinder stuff* (pasting, cutting, painting etc) or even as interested.

He was a tentative kid; the kid who you'd give your heart to because he just looked so vulnerable and nervous. His concentration was scary to watch, and to see him NOT do something time and time and time again broke my heart; because he COULD do it - he just didn't BELIEVE he could.

This year; I could just cry.

He's 'I can do anything'. He's Mr popularity who has received both a Student of the week award for the SCHOOL and *VIP award* for his class. He's reading at grade 2 level. He has just completed level 3 of mathletics. He's adoring before and after school care and is absoutely stoked because he got a slice of banana cake in his lunchbox. (kinder was a fruit only policy). His best friend is 'the brown skin friend Charig' and plays with just about everyone.

His kindness toward others is beautiful to watch and he doesn't get involved in any of the 'school' politics in the playground. I'm just...I don't even know. Relief doesn't cut it. For the last 3 years, I have been worried stupid about him. His hearing, his speech, his development - then he turns around and is just turning out oh so well.

Truth be known, I've even given myself a *little* pat on the back for my efforts so far; because, if this is partly my creation - I have done well. I'm just so stoked for him. And so darn proud, I think my heart will burst.

And I thank his little brother. I'm sure some of his 'I don't give a shit WHAT people think' attitude has rubbed off on him. And, he doesn't even know it, but Connor has given Riley SO much that I thank christ I have him too. He is the BEST brother for Riley. (Drives ME nuts, but that's entirely another issue!!!).

God I love them both.

What IS.

2009-03-10T06:04:00.003+11:00

The long weekend came and went before I realised. We went to the farm for the weekend, which was nice I guess. I missed another meet up with some of my bestest friends which bitterly disappointed me; but I guess there is always next time.

The Osteo went really well. Not ONE ounce of pain - which, compared to the manipulator is something. I walk out of the manipulator bruised as all getout - so it was nice to not be in pain whilst she was twisting and turning.

Has it made a difference? Not a heap, but I think that it is a longer term thing; as opposed to the manipulator who just kills you and then it's all fixed. I'm back again Wednesday; so I will let you know more then.

Kids are going gloriously well. Riley adores school and is seriously good at it. His reading is incredible and his maths, whilst not quite as good as his reading; is well and truly up there. He's found his niche and he is loving it.

Connor is just Connor. Full of attitude, cheekiness and sass. He drives me around the twist; but he equally makes my heart ache with some of the things he does. A computer is called a 'pincuter' - he has his own (my calculator) in which he does his 'homework' like Riley.

Me? Really well. Suprisingly well as a matter of fact. My back pain usually brings me down to a fairly low ebb; not being able to do much frustrates me no end. But, I feel great. Instead of looking at what *could* be - looking at what is - while it sounds so simple - just makes things so much better.

I am seriously happy. I am very lucky to be here; great husband, great kids, great friends; we're not looking for our next paycheck urgently, we're all healthy - soemtimes I really need to take stock and look at where I AM and not where I could be; or what I have missed out on.

Tanks are in - finally. G has a little more to do today and they are officially ready to catch water. Photos will come.

Just call me hoppalong...

2009-03-04T05:10:00.001+11:00

I'm still very tender from my twists of last week. I'm going to see an Osteopath tonight; hopefully she can shed some light.

I can walk - plus. But I feel far too...fragile? to move too much; I'm scared that one false move and it's outta there again.

Sorry for the boring and the whinging.

Long time no speak!

2009-02-26T05:43:00.003+11:00

It's been awhile!!! I've just been ridiculously busy/tired/injured of late.

It was my (and mums) birthday on Monday; it was a very nice one thankyouverymuch. Spent time with family, then friends, then the actual day was spent at home with the kids. Just a really nice way to celebrate.

My injury consists of a twisted quad (possibly a tear) and a twisted hamstring. Being unable to walk without electric shocks is something I will never take for granted again. I am fixed now; but the muscle itself is ridiculously sore. I have to suck it up in a way, because the muscle is extremely tender. I feel 110% better than I did though. I regularly have to lay flat on my back and stretch it all out; but the pain in getting down / up is just so so bad. Like I have done about 35,000 sit ups with my leg.

My darling husband has thrown out my medication. It's only over the counter stuff, but it is helping enormously. Well, it was. I've looked through the outside rubbish bin and haven't found it - I hope it will be sitting somewhere stupid. (*Thought* - maybe it's in the new rubbish bag he put in the kitchen last night!!!)

The vegie patch has all been pulled out and is ready for Winter. It's different this time, but it's still very functional (probably even more so). I look forward to planting.

My darling big boy got a 'student of the week' award this week at school - the look on his face was just priceless. He was so proud!!

That's pretty much it for the minute; I have to hop around and get these kids ready - and everything is taking about 3 times longer than it ever has before!!

Chasing tails

2009-02-17T20:32:00.002+11:00

I feel so completely and utterly drained. The saying 'getting ahead of the 8 ball' - heck, I'm barely racking and stacking the balls full stop!!

I can't seem to catch up on anything. I'm exhausted; which I am sure are due to the changes going on, the last fortnight and everything else that goes on. I'll get there, I always do.

Our new tank came yesterday. This week I am pulling apart the vegie patch and we're putting the tank in behind the shed. It's nearly time to start thinking about Winter Vegies, so I really want to have the soil ready for them to start.

It's going to be a different looking patch to the previous; mostly because of room. But, also, experience has taught me a great deal with regards to what to put where, and what would work better where.

I've also gone back to school of a Friday; doing an Autocad drafting course for work. Of course, it will assist in all types of drafting - but primarily electrical drafting at this point. It's nice to have something new to focus on; but Friday nights I'm wiped out!

Riley is loving school. And he's doing so very well. He had his prep entry assessment last week and is reading well and above his station - I am hoping he has inherited (if not, he'll accumulate) my love of reading. Writing....well, all I'll say is that doctors write horribly!!

Connor is settled right into kinder; he started back at swimming too, and has already skipped a class there. He just loves the water.

Smoky haze is still hanging around. They have been backburning not far from here for the last week or so; and there are still fires in Kinglake. But, hopefully, in the next few weeks, that all starts to settle down a little and people can start to breathe a little easier. I feel dreadfully sorry for those hard of breathing at the minute; it must be so awful trying to breathe through it!

Shatter that glass house....

2009-02-11T21:11:00.003+11:00

I have come here a number of times in an attempt to update, but just haven't found the words.

What's happened this week has changed me forever. It sounds stupid and it sounds cliche; but these fires happened close by here.

For years, numerous people in the shire have been wanting, no screaming, for backburning. Because, being where we are; it's just not safe to have such fuel loads in such hard to get to places. It's not rocket science.

We have had drought here now for 12 years. In a shire where it's illegal to cut down any sort of tree, remove any sort of grass, or take away any dropped wood; surely, surely someone in authority was awake to what was going to happen.

Introduce the exact receipe for a firestorm - add the fuel load that was there; and bam. Up to 300 people gone. Maybe more. 8-10 towns either severely destroyed; or like Marysville, wiped off the map.

Had the fires burnt the other way from St Andrews, or even Whittlesea / Doreen; we'd have been in real trouble. We're in suburbia and we're worrying about bushfires. I am feeling very much 'there but for the grace of god go I' at the minute.

All we can do is give what we have. We have been up to Whittlesea and given bedding, clothing and all manner of toiletries. We have donated to the Red Cross and have registered to give blood. I have put my name down to volunteer, should they require. Because, if that's all I have to do to help them out; I'm getting off lightly.

These people, to me, are not just fellow Victorians. They are my friends. They are my neighbours. And that terrifies me.

Maudlin

2009-02-07T21:24:00.003+11:00

My cousin nearly lost their house today.

My close friends also nearly lost theirs.

Another friend did lose their house.

I'm feeling incredibly maudlin. And sad, and scared.

Today, we hit 45 degrees; the highest ever recorded. We are now in our 12th year of official drought. Is this to become the norm?

What are we doing to this planet to have floods at one end of a country; and severe drought and bushfires at the other?

Death of the garden

2009-02-05T05:01:00.004+11:00

Just some photos of my sunburnt garden. I'll start clipping all the dead stuff off on Sunday (when it's cooler), depending on what weather is coming in the next week or so.

Sunburnt strawberries...

My tomatos that were just starting to turn red

Scorch marks on this plant (I wish I could remember the name!!)

Withered Bells

My Japanese maple took a hiding - at least it's alive!

I'm pretty disapppointed, but that's life I guess. I could've been one of the extremely unlucky ones who lost houses, pets and livelihood in the bushfires; mine is only sunburn. I guess I am 'lucky' that most of it is established and didn't completely keel over and die.

It's not very nice to see even this much of your hard word decimated in 2 days. I can't fathom it, given everything was watered every day; particularly the vegie patch.

Goes to show just how harsh the sun can be though!!

Rileys back at school today for the entire day. Poor kid can't wait! I want to know just when it is that they go from loving school with a passion; to not wanting to ever see the place again. I remember liking it and then not liking it; I just can't remember when I started not liking it.

Kevin Rudd set forth a second stimulus package for Australia on Monday. Pretty scary stuff, the PM chucking money about. I must say though, I feel much more comfortable with this package than the last one; it doesn't seem so much 'bucketing money from the balcony' this time. Each and every school will get something; as will a great number of workers.

Lets hope it works huh? I don't think it will turn the country around; but it just might put us in a better position to weather the storm that is on it's way.

I just thank dog I'm not in a great deal of debt. And we have extremely managable amounts of debt. Because, if I were in much more debt; I'd be starting to find it really difficult to sleep at night.

Things I am doing today;

*making Quiche for our dinner

*making Quiche for my darling friend who has just had a baby boy (and going for a cuddle!!)

*making dog food

*making sausage rolles for me and said friend

*getting out into the garden to start the big cleanup (Saturday is meant to be 43 with a cool change, so today and Sunday might be garden days)

*make a start on pulling out the old vegies and getting the soil out of the raised beds (so we can re-arrange that area.

First day of school

2009-02-02T21:46:00.003+11:00

He loved it. Really LOVED it. I was so so proud of him. I'm so very proud of the little boy that I have raised today.

And so did Connor. Although, he has only had an information session at this point; we'll see how well HE takes it all tomorrow.

So much for sustainability...

2009-02-01T20:47:00.002+11:00

My entire vegie patch has been murdered in this heat. After all the water, all the care, all the shadecloth....gone. My *nearly* ripened tomatoes are now a shade of light brown; not unlike the vines they hang off. My capsicums are just brown bits of weed, hanging sadly where there was once small green capsicums. My snowpeas? Gone. I even think my wormies have all died too. I checked tonight and couldn't find any!!!

How? Why? Well.

45 degrees is no fun for anyone. I even took my dog to work with me last week, it was so hot. I should've bought my vegies too I think. But still, I watered, and shaded and was very careful...

I think it was the shed. My patch backs onto our shed, and I imagine that the heat radiating from that over the last week was enough to send them all to heaven.

Although; it's not all bad news. We were going to wait for the summer vegies to grow and finish before we pulled out the patch and redid it so we could fit a water tank in there.

At least it's going to be sooner now, rather than later. :(

Blathering of not much

2009-02-01T06:28:00.005+11:00

It has been a shocker of a week. Hot, blustery. Busy, lack of sleep. No power, cranky everyone....I just really hope that this is not an indication of what is to come. If it is, I'm moving to the bottom of Tasmania. ;)

The 40+ (it was FORTY FIVE on Friday!!) temperatures were hard. Although, I thank dog I'm not in Adelaide.

G is a refrigeration mechanic. I haven't even seen him this week. I carry a pager for a refrigeration electrician - I got 8 hours sleep all week.

This weekend has been rather quiet though. Catching up on sleep mostly. Putting names on school things....

Connor had his kinder orientation on Friday - he loved it. Riley started his swimming again on Saturday - he's trying which is fantastic.

I babysat for friends last night, so did a whole lot of not much.

Tomorrow. My oldest is at school tomorrow!!!

Pooped

2009-01-25T21:24:00.001+11:00

If I wrote down here everything I have done over the last two days, I'm sure 99% of you would pass out. Two A5 pages - DONE. One more to go tomorrow.

I don't waste this child free time you know - I have things to do!!

Will recap when I am not falling asleep.

Water

2009-01-24T05:42:00.003+11:00

Instead of walking this morning, I watered. My neighbour needs to use our washing machine today, and had I not watered, all that water would've been wasted because our grey water storage is full.

In Victoria, our storage levels are really low. The state government have urged all households to be under 155l per person per day. I imagine, without some grey water use, gardening would be a whole heap more difficult.

Here at our place, we haven't used tap water to water our plants in 18 months or so. When the stage 3 restrictions came in, my darling husband rigged up a grey water catchment for our washing machine water, bath & shower water.

Here's how.

The 240l bin catches all the grey water and stores it for whenever we need to use it. Usually, I do one load every 2 days or so - that, plus any other water generally fills the bin to 3/4 full. Having it stored means I don't have to use it straight away (although, you should use it within 24 hours to prevent ickies); but most importantly - I can use the water wherever I want.

Submersed in the bottom of the bin is a submersible pump. Not a powerful pump by any means, but enough that it can pump the water out of the small distance hose G has attached. I can either water the entire backyard via the hose; or I can bucket it up to the front.

This morning, I bucketed all the water up to the front yard; and watered it more than sufficiently. So, one load of washing = my front yard watered for 2-3 days.

Many gardeners are complaining about the restrictions - 'it's not fair we can't water' and 'our house price will drop because of our foul yards'. Now. I'll happily admit our front lawn is buggered. When we moved here, it was a well looked after, Don Burke style lawn. Now, it's a dustbowl. But, rather than fight a losing battle; we will eventually just get rid of the lawn in it's entirety and plant native, drought tollerant plants there instead.

Obviously there are always improvements to be made in the water saving area. And, really, it doesn't matter how we got here; whose fault it is, who didn't / did what the day before. What are any of these excuses / blaming games going to do when we run out completely?

As an aside - I made some washing powder the other day too. Rhonda from Down to earth has some excellent home made cleaners here - I used the heavy duty powder.

Works a treat!!

The C word

2009-01-23T22:37:00.002+11:00

I have had a C word of a day. No, seriously. A capital letter C word of a day.

Let me recap.

G has been out all night last night doing some changeover refrigeration type stuff. He gets home and asks me to quickly copy a file for him into his refrigeration (aka I have NFI what this program even DOES) program. I oblige.

Except, I copied it to the wrong place. And, I had no idea where I'd copied it to. And completely crashed said magical refrigeration program.

I felt sick. You know that pit in your gut; the 'I'm never going to eat again this ball of guilt is so big' type pit? That. Times about 12.

So, I took said computer into work and spent the day trying to fix it. Four hours later (I never said I was a computer technician) I restored it. Whacky doo me. G is happy, but BUGGERED (he'd not slept because he was worried about it).

The other day our air conditioner died. Upped and died. Of course, the following few days were high 30's, and of course we were meant to have 13 people over for R's birthday, and of course one of the four darling adult friends was 38 weeks pregnant and of course the ambient temperature that morning in the house was 28. But, it was a motor, thank dog. G pulled it out and got it rewound.

It was ready today. So, being the lovely husband he is, picked it up and put it in. Because, tomorrow, the boys are all off camping/farming for the weekend and leaving me at home. For three days. ALONE.

So, I get home from work, grab G and head to mums. Mum has this big 'oh we simply must have a birthday dinner for every man and his dog' and of course, it was Rileys big night. It was a lovely night and we got in the car and sang 'going on a bear hunt' the whole way home.

Get home and start organising the kids to leave first thing in the morning.

Notice a BIGGGG water patch in the roof. Look a little further; a biiiiggg bubble of water underneath the paint. G had knocked some float switch when he replaced the motor - water everywhere in the roof. How the roof didn't cave in is beyond me; actually, no, it's not - the water was in all the ducts.

6 BUCKETS later. And a float switch back in place.

Air conditioning water is THE most dirty, grimy filthy water on the planet. And, whilst my garden will tolerate it; my white laundry won't.

So, instead of doing all those little jobs you never get around to whilst kids are underfoot - I shall be cleaning up stinky, dirty, grimy, filthy water up properly in the laundry.

Oh. And my neighbours coming to do her washing tomorrow; her laundry is being gutted.

All's well that ends well I suppose; but I have NO fingernails left, and I'm sure my blood pressure has been going nuts all day.

Happy Birthday darling boy

2009-01-22T05:36:00.005+11:00

Today, is my firstborns birthday. 6 years ago today, I was up (as I always am) at the hospital, nervous as all get out about having this child. I'd had very little sleep because I'd had gel inserts through the night and I was so wanting them to work. Uh-uh.

At 8am this morning, the drip would be inserted in an attempt to induce it further. Even on full noise, nothing. At 9am, my waters would be broken and it is right here, right here, I swear my body said "right. You want labour?? You've got it. 3.47 hours afterwards, after being 0cms dialated; he was born.

And so began one of the most traumatic things in my life.

Riley was an easy baby in hindsight. At the time though, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Putting up and shutting up when I was as sick as I was; was the dumbest thing I have ever done.

For a long time, I felt as though I had failed. I left the hospital one night because I felt so claustraphobic I couldn't breathe. And, rather than tell someone I wasn't coping; I just left. I was always coming back; but they didn't think I was. I was not ready to be a mother; and not ready to show my complete and utter failure at it to a bunch of midwife strangers who thought they knew better.

But, he's 6 today. The soft soul of mine; the thoughtful, gentle one. The one who will, one day, break one womans heart. The one who will, one day, do anything for his friends. The one who, finally, tries so hard for anything he wants to reach. The one who can't accept failure; rather than fail, he just refuses to start until he knows he can do it.

My mother used to talk about loving my sister and I differently. And me, being niave, wondered how. Now I know.

Connor, I love passionately; angrily almost. He demands it in everything he does. He is passionate by nature. With Riley, I love softly, almost poetically. 'Tread carefully, else you'll tread on my dreams' comes to mind with Riley.

He starts school in two weeks and I am just so proud for him and of him. He's come so very far these last couple of years and tried so very hard to get where he is today. I love him for that. I love him for being the person I want when I am unhappy; the one who sits stroking your hair when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

My deep and meaningful boy.

Happy birthday.

I'm here, I'm alive...

2009-01-18T06:53:00.003+11:00

But I just don't have much to say. Probably partly because I'm just not in the right headspace today. I feel like I am slowly being backed into a corner.

At least I know why. That's always a good thing.

We set up Connors bed yesterday; but he's still on the floor. The FARKING MATTRESS isn't here yet.

I am hoping today will be a catch up day. A serious one. Because, if I don't get things organised this week, I will probably end up having a nervous breakdown.

Here's some of what I did this week;

With C's bedroom suite, we also got a bookshelf. That was always going into the study; because the study was just the FOULEST, most unorganised place in the universe. So.....

Before....

After....

Finally started picking tomatoes yesterday. Only 3 cherry ones; I don't know WHAT is going on. I'm assuming the weather is partly responsible; we've had one green tomato for at LEAST 2 weeks; but the weather is only just now starting to heat up a tad. They'd want to hurry up; I want to pull that bed out (well, actually the entire vegie patch is getting pulled out and we are putting a tank in and shifting it all round a touch...) and start getting it ready for winter.

I walked lots last week and ate really well; I'm yet to see whether it's even remotely been worth my while. I feel better, so at least there's one reason right there.

Connors room has been totally cleaned. Every cobweb, blind, piece of clothing, unused toy etc has been pulled out, looked at, sorted and dealt with. The salvos got so many clothes and bits and pieces yesterday it was a joke. The kid has SO many clothes. Mostly because my friend has twins that are the perfect size for Connor to get all their outgrown stuff. So, getting that x 2; PLUS my mother, equal a LOT of clothes.

So much for having nothing to say!!!

Hodgepodge of bits and pieces

2009-01-12T22:02:00.005+11:00

I'm sorry, but this post is going to be a mish mash of bits and pieces; I have little to say about lots of things.

Firstly. Jodie asked how R got his stitches. Going down our (v.V.steep) driveway on his scooter like a bat out of hell. He's great now though; even has a 'tough guy' scar right above his eyebrow. Tis very proud of it and can't wait to show everyone at school.

Second. Our holiday. Great fun. Some pics? Why, certainly.

We went to the beach...

We built some sandcastles.... (PS: it's a spider)

Only to tear them down again.

Some of the views....

But it was a really nice, RELAXING week. And, I was very spoilt - we had power and a shower and even a laundry. Love camping.

New year. This is where I will start waxing lyrical about how I'm 'gunna' do this, that and the other thing; probably much the same as I did here. Funnily enough; I think the same way. Goes to show just how much of a waste 2008 was huh??

And I quote;

1. Be more open. I shut myself off so well and so easily - often to my own detriment. Being shy comes across so easily as being elusive - and it really
concerns me to think people may think I am elusive or snobby. I have been doing very well with that; breaking out of my comfort zone. I have come a considerable way with this in particular in 2008. Obviously though; the more I give, the more open to being hurt I will be; but I feel more able to handle it.

2. Committ more time to friendships. I am horribly guilty of not maintaining friendships. I think that shutting myself off has something to do with it in the sense that I can't talk to anyone until my world is ending IYKWIM. I can't say "hey look, I'm sliding down this hill, wanna grab me a rope?"
I tend to be more "hey look, I've fallen in this hole, the water is up to my nostrils and is rising fast - wanna give me a hand??" I will give the world to anyone - but I also must realise that in order to be the friend I want to be - I have to HAVE the friends too. Like a give and a take. I'd personally feel uncomfortable if I were continuously opening up to someone, only for them to not say a damn thing about themselves.
Making BIGGGG effort here and it is true. An old friendship just might be re-established because of this and #1.

3. Simplify. Everything. My life, my weight, my reaosns for being. Everything.
Ahh, not so much. Definately DEFINATELY more I can do in this area; but I feel I have a much better hold on my mental health to enable me to go further with this.

4. Recycle more. Reuse more. At work, at home, in the car; life in general.
Slowly but surely; but this will be something that will NEVER be 'finished'

5. Communicate more. In verbal, written - whatever. Just get it all down and out.
I have kept this blog AND my journal for an entire year. My journal is a massive thing for me especially.

Basically, this year was a big learning curve. I grew up, so to speak. The magical fairies don't live in the bottom of the garden, and things aren't always black and white. Sometimes, actually, scratch that, MOST of the time - they are grey. Varying shades at that. But, I can't ever say 'done' - because these 'goals' are forever elusive and will never be 'done' in any sense.

This year, 2009, I want to put all I've learned into practice. And, I can't help but achieve that; because it's what I've been doing the entire time. I could go on and on and on, but I won't; that'd be too long a post and would probably incite sleep pretty quickly!!!

We're back...

2009-01-10T21:15:00.004+11:00

Hot, tired, dirty, sweaty, fat and happy.

Had a ball. But note three things.

1. Putting sunscreen on your children does NOT mean that it will cover you in the sun.

2. Unlike the river, where there is no one around, you CANNOT be loud, raucous and lively at 2am in a caravan park.

3. Beach for a holiday is probably not the best idea when your firstborn is as scared of crabs as I am of huntsmen.

We had a ball. Loads of laughs, fun, sunburn and dirt. Nothing better. Except, maybe, the river.

Happy New year!!!

2009-01-02T06:34:00.003+11:00

Short and sweet for the minute unfortunately - we've been here just on two days and we're leaving again tomorrow for a week at the beach camping!

Christmas was one big plethora of food, presents, wine, laughter and fun. Although it was a quiet one, we all had a fantastic time. Riley's stitches were a focal point for him - he was so proud of them!!

That night, we came home. I organised the house, put all the new stuff away, finished packing and went to bed. At 8am, we left for the farm.

Another great time. Seriously, life is SO simple and easy up there (particularly when one SIL didn't make it... ;) ). Swimming in the dam, riding bikes, reading books and catching up with family - really, it's just a great place. As an aside, we went and checked out 'our' block (if that's where we actually end up!!!) and more than ever we both want to go.

Back home for NYE; I would've loved to have gone to Sydney with some beautiful friends; but it wasn't to be. It was just going to be cutting it all too fine. So, instead, we went up to our friends place who has had a small 'tree change' - sitting up on a hill, we could see ALL the fireworks - even the city ones. Great night; quiet, but great fun.

Tomorrow; we are off for another week. It is instead of our 'river' trip. We figured (back then), it would be simply too hot. Although; it's not remotely as hot as it has been; but it'll be nice to go somewhere different.

Today is a mess of packing, lunching and sorting, as we need to leave by 6am tomorrow. I did get the portable DVD off my father though - so at least the entire trip won't be 'are we there yet'!!!

Hope your break was wonderful and I shall be back around the 10th.

T'was the night before Christmas....

2008-12-24T22:29:00.002+11:00

and we got two stitches. If you can believe it. But, he was SO brave!!! Riley is now rather proud of his war wound.

Merry Christmas to all; and to all, a great night!!

Tis the season to be busy, falalalala..... (and a tag!!)

2008-12-23T21:57:00.009+11:00

I have been so very very busy these last few days; I've barely had a chance to scratch myself!

It's been a lovely lead up to Christmas this year. There has been no stress, no issues; everything in my world has pretty much been lovely.

Having it so nice really makes me appreciate just how wonderful my life is; and how NOT about the stuff I want my entire life to be. Because it hasn't been about stuff this year; it's been more about friendships and laughter and fun, joy, excitement and family.

I did some baileys for presents this year; they went down a treat! With some home made christmas chocolates and a nice handwritten card; all said it was one of the nicer things people had done for them! Odette, my pregnant friend, was so overwhelmed at me even attempting to make her something special that she could enjoy, there were even a few tears! Far more valuable than some stupid trinket.

Saturday was G's sides christmas do. I made a cheesecake (but forgot to take photos!!!) and it was delish. And, what's more, we even had a really nice time!!

G's immediate family are great. Love each and every one of them to pieces. But. The inlaws (i.e. sisters in laws) drive me barmey 90% of the time. They are rude, selfish and arrogant; both of them. G's eldest brother finally bought a nice normal future IL here and I heart her; but the others; I try so hard to smile and nod; but sometimes.....

It was a really nice, simple day. BBQ lunch with salads we'd all bought; some music and, of course, dancing. Even my little dolly neice got into it!

I hope to get back here Christmas morning before the kids get up - but if I don't, I want to wish everyone a very very happy Christmas; and I hope 2009 brings every dream you have, true.

Whilst I am here; it appears I have been tagged by the delightful Jodie!

Christmas menu is, like Jodies - EEEEASSSSY here. I make a noodle salad (and I am NOT getting off my butt to go get the recipe tonight!) and take it to mums.

Mum is a christmas nutter.

Seriously. She goes waaay over the top with presents and food and...everything. She's already done a test batch of potatoes for dogs sake!! So, we're not to bring anything.

For us though; Christmas goes like this.

Breakfast - usually a big cut up plate of fruit; sometimes pancakes. G has been known to do a 'big breakfast' for him and the kids. We do the Santa thing, eat our fruit whilst drowning in a sea of paper and then get ready to do it all again at mums.

Mums is usually a big traditional cooked affair; the whole roast turkey, ham, chicken, potatoes, cauliflower with cheese sauce etc; then the only dessert served is the belle of the ball - Christmas pudding.

Dinner is usually a cold affair, with cold meat, seafood and salads. Hence, my salad. We either stay, or drive home, depending on the mood and whether I drink or not. We tend to go away first thing Boxing day up to the farm, so usually, we all trundle home with sleepy, but absolutely delighted children.

Tag you're it Jayne, Lex, Colleen, and anyone else who hasn't been tagged!!!

Friends

2008-12-16T05:47:00.003+11:00

It has been said that there are 3 types of friends. Reason friends; who come into your life for (duh) a reason; season friends who (duh) are in your life for a season and real friends.

I tend not to do 'reason' friends or 'season' friends. Hence, the amount of friends I have you could just about fit on one hand.

I said goodbye to a friend not long ago. A very VERY old and dear friend. Nothing bad happened, no arguments were had; we've just simply grown apart. And, not too long ago, another friend left. Again, no issues, no tears; just life and the changes that come with it.

25 years is a long time to have a friend; but it is also very hard to let go of because of that. But, walking into 2009, I decided to just simply say goodbye. And it feels nice to go with the ebb and flow of life, instead of fighting it (which, I'm more than used to doing).

I really believe that you only have room for xxxx friends. That fate (or whatever you want to call it) will, as a result of new friends, yank that door open and take one away as compensation. Sometimes it will hurt like all hell - other times, you look around 5 weeks later and realise that that friend in particular has been gone for far longer than you thought.

Now I've said goodbye, I feel much better. Not hurt, not angry. A little sad; but on a whole other level, I feel as though my past is more and more just that. Each little thing that 'knew' of Shel all those years ago is drifting off into the cosmos - leaving me with less and less crutches to stumble through. And, instead of being scared I've lost that crutch - I feel stronger and more accepting of what life is going to throw next.

Next year will be a big one for me. Not literally, but mentally. And, I'm glad I'm doing so well.

Tis that mad time of year.....

2008-12-12T04:52:00.006+11:00

Well, the cold has just about dissapated (thank GOD), and I've been racing through my 'to do' lists like a madman.

We put the christmas tree up way back on the 1st of December - as you do - and talk about an anti climax. The kids were all "ooooh put the lights on, put the lights on". So, after talking them up, making them stand back whilst I do the big 'Power on' thing - and zilch. No lights. I have no idea what happened, but they no longer light up the tree.

So, more lights it was.

You can't see them now, because I haven't turned the flash off. Hey, it's 5am!!!

It looks much better with the lights on though. So much so, that I'm going to work out how to drive this new camera and turn it off to show you all.

I have officially completely, 110% finished Christmas shopping - which I'd have done 2 weeks ago if I didn't 'oh, I should just get that' with things. Yesterday I was at the shopping centre TWICE (and given I barely set foot in them anyway, this is a big thing). Riley is getting some Ben10 bits and bods, and will need a container to store them all in; plus I wanted a new big container for the Christmas decorations. So, Riley and I whizzed in, got them and were home by 9.15. MY style of shopping.

I have finished both sides of the train table. Thank GOD. Polyeurathaned the other side yesterday. Now, given I measured this table, it'd want to fit. If it doesn't fit, it's going to be smashed up in a fit of rage.

Riley; finishes kinder on Monday. Forever. And, he's really excited and happy about going to school next year. Before we finish kinder on Monday, we go up to school to meet his new teacher etc. He's not "oooh woot" about it, but he's very pleased to be going. I'd be happy too, given he's been in the same place for three years now!

I am so proud of him. The distance he has travelled this year has been astounding and I am just so pleased at the little boy (well, not so little anymore!!!) he is. His nature is a beautiful one, he has many friends and he's just happy being in the moment. I'm actually quite chuffed that he's such a good kid. Obviously Connor will show me how much it's NOT me; but hey, at the minute, I'm pleased.

Connor -

my little pocket rocket. We ordered him a bed a few weeks ago. Please, kill me now. I'm positive I am, when the bed comes, up for the rest of my life. I know, I know, he's three and should have a bed. But, with G in Bendigo for half of this year, it kinda got downsized on the list you know? And the fact it's going to be very interesting made it more so. He'll probably turn me into a liar and be really easy. Pfft. Surrrreee.

We decided to buy him a little bike. Yesterday. So, after I got my hair done last night, I trekked out to the shopping centre again. Can you believe it was $41? For a BIKE?? Rileys stackhat was nearly that.

He has a trike thing; but he's riding that like he stole it already. And, because he takes after me in the height department, Rileys old bike is just not going to fit him for another 12 years at least, so we decided a little 12" bike would be what ails him. I will certainly be sitting in prime position this year for a photo of his face.

My homemade presents are going well - I've made and bagged up the chocolates and gotten the bottles and made the labels for the Baileys. I'm actually doing something a little different this year; I'm going to try a non alcoholic Baileys.

My darling friend Odette is pregnant. After spending half her life trying IVF, miscarrying etc; she's fallen pregnant by herself. So, no risks have been taken. None. So, rather than me giving her Baileys with the 'ha ha, you'll have to wait' thing attached, I'm going to try my hand at the non alcoholic Baileys. I'll keep you posted. And then, I'll wow you with photos.

Bitch and moan

2008-12-09T22:42:00.002+11:00

I have a cold - yes, I know. We're 2 weeks from Christmas and I have a cold. IT'S MEANT TO BE SUMMER!

I hate work. I would like nothing more than to spend tomorrow alone at home being a hermit. But, it's not worth the guilt trip.

G is going away again - I have had a hair appointment booked for 12 WEEKS and, of course, he's going to be away for it; and ONLY FINDS OUT TODAY.

Days like today I think of people who are less fortunate. And stop my fucking moaning and get on with it.

Christmas bits and bods...

2008-12-03T23:13:00.002+11:00

Tonight I spent the evening finishing off my Christmas cards. Which was nice. I like doing Christmas cards; I like knowing that people will know I'm thinking of them.

I also made some chocolates which are getting hard in the fridge.

I organised the bottles I'm going to use to make my baileys and started on the labels to put on them.

We have 5 birthdays before Christmas and each present is wrapped and ready to go.

One trip to the shops tomorrow will finish me completely. Then, I can kick back and enjoy the festivities.

It's times like these I love being organised. It's nearly all done and I have 3.5 WEEKS to enjoy.

Dreams 101

2008-12-02T05:51:00.002+11:00

What is your take on them? Do you think they are nothing more than excess headspace? Or, is there more to them?

A friend of mine thinks that it is highly possible for two people to share a dream, so to speak. That would be....interesting to say the least. But, imagine if it were possible?!! Talk about invasion of privacy.

I ask, because I dream lots. Sometimes they are beautiful dreams that I wish would never end; other times they have lead me on all sorts of sleepwalking adventures. But, do I give them any credence? Do I believe that a dream tries to tell a person something?

Yes and not sure.

Yes, in that the persons own headspace will influence what they dream about. If they are having issues at work, for example, maybe they'd have a 'work' dream. Which, to me, makes complete sense.

It doesn't make sense that two people, (or more for that matter) can share the exact same thoughts. How could it be possible for two people to share a dream?

But, every so often, a dream comes along that makes me think 'Woah. Surely that wasn't just me and my headspace'. The sort of dreams that make you think that there's more to it than excess headspace. That the universe is making contact. Good, bad or ugly.

What is your take on dreams? Do you give them any credence? Or just wake up, smile (or have a teary, depending on the dream) and get on with it?

Check it out!!

2008-11-28T06:04:00.005+11:00

I don't know whether it's just me, because heaps of people weren't happy with their photos this year. But, either my kids are really photogenic; or they are bloody good photos.

I'm going with option 2.

Beautiful kids; even if I do say so myself.

Learn to say NO!!!

2008-11-25T05:45:00.002+11:00

AGM at kinder last night; I vowed to walk in, pay money, walk out. I've done my bit for that kinder; we've been there three years. Each year I've been something specific - Vice president, President & this year Assistant Treasurer. I thought, 'you know, R starts school, someone else can do it etc etc'.

Then the president bailed me up, desperately seeking people to fill roles.

Meet the new 4yo enrolment officer.

Saying no? I can't do it.

Christmas photos and a neice

2008-11-21T21:44:00.006+11:00

I cannot believe it. We got a Santa photo.

We went to the shops after work tonight to get a present for our new neice / cousin (Harper; I will tell you more about that shortly).

Anyway, Connor noticed him first.

"CHRISTMAS IS HERE!!!!"

Ok. So, we meandered over (because, at this point, I am SOOOO not expecting anything, especially after the 'no way, piss off' we got last year) and Riley walked straight up to Santa and asked to sit on his knee.

So, of course Connor wanted part of it. Although, he wasn't as impressed with it.

But I was. How GOOD is it!!???

Anyway. This week, my SIL gave birth to a beautiful little (well, not so little, she was 36w and 8 POUNDS 10 OUNCES!!!) girl before ending up in a diabetic coma. She seems to be slipping in an out; according to what I know, her body is having issues deciding whether it wants insulin or not. So, she's either constantly overdosed or underdosed. She's meant to make a full recovery, but it was a little scary for awhile.

Anyway. THE morning. G rings me.
'K has had the baby. Wanna know the name??'
'yes yes yes!! Is it Anderson??"
"Nup: it's HARTHER"
I was stunned. "HARTHER?? Surely you mean HARPER"
'Nup!! It's H and then Arthur".

I should note here that her choices in baby names are...interesting. Anderson was the second choice for the girls name and, quite frankly, far better. But, Anderson didn't get a look in and she called this one HARTHER????

I couldn't possibly believe it. So, instead, I checked with MIL.

"no, it's Harper". She sighed. "I'd have much rathered Anderson"

The sigh of relief was palpable.

Funny - it's starting to grow on me. Far better than 'Harther' anyway.

Technophobe....

2008-11-20T06:10:00.004+11:00

Technology and I have never been friends. I'm the idiot that rings my sister in a tizz because the computer is broken, only to find a cord has fallen out.

So, instead of realising that, accepting that, and moving on, I decided to text all my friends.

I meal plan. And Monday night, I had no ideas whatsoever. Sick of the same, boring old thing. So, I had a brainwave. I sent a message to selected people (I thought) asking them for one receipe. Just one, to give me some ideas.

And, on the plus side, I got heaps. Lots of ideas, which was great. I'm going to put them all on an email and send them to everyone.

The downside. Somehow, I sent it to every single person in my phone book. Except Jenn. Because, Jenns number in my phone isn't Jenns number at all. But, all my work contacts, all the boys at work....every single person in my phone book. Embarassed much?

But, I didn't realise this at the time. And, Tuesday morning, I got a text back from 'Jenn' (amongst all the electricians, service managers and clients who decided it was rather funny) and it certainly wasn't something I expected from Jenn. 'She' replied, and that was that.

Except, it wasn't Jenn. And, I don't know how it wasn't Jenn.

And, again, I've started something.

But, I finished it just as easily.

I'm not asking for receipes anymore.

Martha Stewart 101

2008-11-13T22:11:00.007+11:00

Until Christmas, I have an uninteruppted, 3 hour period ENTIRELY TO MYSELF on a Thursday. Never, in 6 years, has this happened with any sort of regularity. And, readers, be warned - next year is a WHOLE DAY!!!

For Connor for Christmas, I had absolutely no idea what to get him for Christmas. Given my firstborn son has everything he wants, and there is a galaxy of stuff here, and he won't be home a heck of a lot - nothing exciting came to mind as a present for Connor for Christmas.

Until, that is, the train table top.

We have a train table. Very whacky-doo; the kids have disintergrated the top of it and the dog has chewed a great number of the wooden tracks. So? Big idea - 'I'll paint him another one'. Under no circumstances did I consider doing this because it's near impossible to build the train track without going over the road, or some water at some point and it drives me nuts....

Anyway. Here is the 3/4 finished result. Forgive the photo, but A. it's on my mobile, and B. I'm a crap photographer.

This side is the racing track side. I am yet to put the white lines in. And then, I'll polyeurathane the top to try and make it a little more durable. I've also made a 'pit lane' which I am also making a 'pit shed' for. Well, Grant is making the shed and I shall paint it.

Lightening McQueen and all his friends can race forever.

On the other side, will be nice green pastures for Thomas and his friends to drive, unrestricted by roads and water, wherever I damn well feel like pointing the track.

People have asked me 'oooh free time!! What do you do with it?? Answer? Have stupid ideas and turn them into a reality.

It's not great; even I can see that, as a painter, I make an excellent accountant. But, he's going to love it. And I've had a really nice few Thursday afternoons alone painting it.

In other news; the cake.

For Connors birthday, we had a little 'invite some friends over (i.e. my girlfriend with her 3 kids) and we'll have a party'. Because the oldest is Riley, I thought 'you know, I should make a cake for them. I've already got one sorted for the family thing; maybe I should just whip together a dinosaur mudcake. They'll lurrvveee that'.

So, I did. Big mistake was made pretty early on. The receipe (because, I made it from scratch) said 'put one 450g block of chocolate and a ton of butter in a saucepan and melt'. Cool. So, I did that.

Before reading Step #2 - I put all the fatty chocolatey mixture into the dry ingredients. Then I read; 'Put HALF of this heart attack inducing stuff into the cake - the rest is for the icing you dumbass'

Ooops. I should've ditched the cake at that point. Precisely that point. But, nooo.

Think 'meh. It's a cake. It's chocolate. They are chocolate sucking vampire-children. I'll cook it and deal with the fallout'.

Except chocolate, when there is too much of it, won't go HARD in the oven will it?? Nope, FYI, it BOILS.

Get cake out. Stick cake in fridge for a day. Still not hard. Ok, you stupid cake, in the freezer you go.

Got it at least half frozen, so I can at least cut it into a semblance of a dinosaur. Ice cake with butter icing (hence the reason for me not even considering the chocolate for the icing) and bung it back in the freezer.

Get it out;

I can't get it off the plate.

It is so damn fudge like, it's STUCK to the plate.

Apparently, it tasted wonderfully. Me? If I ever eat chocolate again, please kill me. The amount of mess even touching this sludgy excuse for a cake was astounding. I am suprised that there was enough to turn into a dinosaur.

The real cake? The original cake that I had planned to make and executed perfectly??

Perfect. And he whacked it good.

Today....

2008-11-11T21:41:00.006+11:00

Today.

Today, my little baby, my pocket rocket, turned 3.

Today, we all remembered the lives of those lost - so that we could live the way we do today.

Today, I cried a little. Cried for the loss of my baby metaphorically; and cried for those mothers who lost sons literally.

Today, I laughed a little. At my little boy holding his own, at last, amongst his big friends.

Today, I changed a little.

Happy birthday my darling boy. I think of you and my heart aches. I hope that you never ever lose that cheeky charisma. Ever.

Control and lack thereof

2008-11-05T16:02:00.002+11:00

When I say 'control' I do not mean psychotic like control. I mean, in charge of my surroundings, as much as one can be.

I have big issues with control. I like to have it, do not like to lose it and lose my way incredibly easily when I do lose it.

Lately though; I've been losing control of my world; just a teensy bit. The couch cushions have not always been the correct way, and I have even slept well.

It sounds so utterly pathetic when I write it down; but it has been such an ingrained part of me that, now I feel as though I am losing it, I don't quite know which way to look next.

But, I don't feel sick about it. I don't even feel really badly about it. I, rebelliously, am actually liking it.

Obviously there is a line somewhere between utterly controlling and completely uninterested and I don't feel as though I am uninterested. It's not like before, when I was depressed where I didn't care about anything. I *do* care about it; but am not so….life or death about it.

For those who don't know, I have had counselling on and off for many years. My old counsellor has actually retired, I've seen him for so long. 23 years is a long time to have an 'official' psychologist. I do have a new one now, who I tend to see monthly. He thinks it's fantastic that I am learning the ability to let go of things – even just a little bit.

But I'm not quite sure how much I'm prepared to let go yet. Do I just brazenly bugger everything? Or, is it a take it step by step approach? Learn to laugh and let life take it's natural course? Or freak out and try and shove everything somewhere so it appears that I have everything sorted? At the minute, I am kind of in the middle. How do you work it out? Is it just something that comes naturally? Or are you like me, actually having to fight the urge to not control everything?

So, I'm kind of floating around the middle at the minute. Not apathetically, not enthusiastically; just floating about. And I quite like it and want more of it; but my neurotic, controlling nature starts to stir up in my gut and winds me up – 'you haven't done the cushions ORRRRR the folding before a new load of washing today, you're losing the plot, you'll lose control and drown again….by the way, the kids beds aren't made and there's bits and bods evverrrywhereee…you're losing it again Shel….' But, I'm doing my utmost to tell it to jump on it's head. Because, at the end of the day, when I'm dead, it AINT GOING TO MATTER that the beds were made everyday. And G often laughs that he's going to put 'Here lies Shel – she had a clean house' on my headstone. I start to fear that it's all there is of me.

It's a massive day in the world today; Barack Obama is now the official US president. And I am thrilled. It feels like a whole new chapter is ready to be written – for the entire world.

And, in other news....

2008-10-26T21:10:00.003+11:00

This weekend has been a catching up kind of one. It was spent pottering about, getting garden beds ready for mulching; planting bits and pieces and starting to organise my kitchen.

Since we've started talking about this move, I've been thinking a great deal about what I need. Stuff like Jars, boxes, containers...all that type of thing. And until this weekend, I've not really had anywhere to put them.

So, I started re-arranging my cupboards. And, so far, I have entire cupboard to use for storage of jars etc. Hopefully we'll get a decent lot of tomatos this year, and I can start making sauces and things.

We figure if we start living the way we want down here, it will be easier to continue when we get there. Instead of 'starting', we'll be 'expanding'.

G was working all this weekend, so today I took the kids to R's big school fete. He was so very excited to go to his 'big boy school' so he could show C around. There were people and facepaint and fairy floss; the boys had a ball.

They went down this enormous slide and loved it. I was terrified C would lose a limb on the way down, but he was very pleased to be able to say he'd done it.

In other good news; I WON A COMPETITION!!! First thing I have EVER won.

Eileen had a competition about whacky chocolate tales. Well, maybe not whacky, but tales nonetheless. And that tale has never given me anything but embarassment. Embarassment that A. I sleepwalk. B. I thought I'd had a slight accident at 19 years of age and C. that I'd actually dreamt of chocolate.

But, it has won me a pack of fair trade chocolate! Thank you so very much Eileen!

I got my back fixed...

2008-10-24T05:57:00.003+11:00

And then burst an ear drum.

If you can believe it. I can't. It's unbelievably unfair. Two different health professionals in the SAME DAY seems a bit wrong somehow.

I am currently feeling 110% better than I did 12 hours ago. But I'm very lopsided and when I cough I get dizzy.

I went to the manipulator yesterday morning - sorted. I'll have some decent bruises, but hell. Where's the good without the pain anywhere in the world??

Get home and potter around, feeling on top of the world because I CAN MOVE AGAIN!!!

Right ear feels like I need to yawn to pop it. No go. Continue on.

An hour after that - I am thinking 'something HAS to be stuck in here because it's starting to REALLY hurt'. Get friend to pick up R for kinder and organise a doctor appointment at a strange new place (hey, beggars can NOT be choosers, but the new place turned out to be lovely). And, hindsight; I am SO glad I booked this appointment; because, I'm sure it saved me.

Two hours after the initial 'ooh my ears need popping' - I am at the chemist, SOBBING, whilst they make up my 1000mg antibiotics, eardrops and panadeine FORTE prescription. Painful much??

I heart my mother though; kids were sorted in about 10 minutes. She came, she picked up, she dealt with.

Me? I died.

I've now had three rounds of AB's and this morning it only feels like it's incredibly blocked. Until I cough and nearly fall over because I've lost my balance.

Hands up if you want to be ME this week!!!?????

Disability

2008-10-23T06:32:00.003+11:00

I've always thought that everyone has some sort of disability. Some are easy to spot, whilst others, much like myself, are a little harder.

Well, not this week anyway.

I've done my back. Well, no, I correct that. My muscle in my lower back has twisted and is causing THE most awful pain down both my legs. Like Sciatica, but both legs and all the time.

Crutches are fun with two kids. NOT. But, it shall be sorted today by the manipulator. She's so good it's scary - I often feel like an evangelist walking out. I hobble in with crutches; and walk out tall, tossing my crutches exclaiming 'oh thank the lord'. Picture Sunday morning TV and you've got me. But, the feeling of having a muscle of four untwisted is something I cannot explain, and something I find very difficult to subject myself too. But, for those 5 minutes of unbelievable; the end of the constant 'zzzt' pain comes. Straight away. Then, for about 3 weeks, I have bruises that would put Rocky's opponent to shame. In the weirdest places.

Anyway. Back to disabilities.

I cannot believe how differently you are treated. Hey, I know it's only crutches today; but the day before I was limping around like nobodies business through the supermarket. It's disgusting. Truly beyond me just how disgusting and awful some people are. I'm lucky; mine is sorted today; but to imagine living with this behaviour of other people just shows me how remarkable those with permanent physical disabilities really are.

No one could care less. And that scares me.

My general disability is emotional. I am emotionally retarded; I have this lack of ability to make myself vulnerable. Something that no one sees unless they are close enough to notice.

I think I prefer my disability to that on the outside.

The morning after

2008-10-19T07:11:00.002+11:00

I hate the morning after. Really do not like the morning after.

We had some friends over last night who we haven't seen for agges. They are our camping buddies; when we go, they come with. All the time. Every time.

You can only camp with certain people I reckon. Otherwise, after awhile, the other party can reeallly start getting on your nerves.

But not this family. Anyway, I digress.

In the midst of a beautiful afternoon yesterday, we thought we'd invite them over. They weren't busy either, so they made the big drive across and spent the evening with us.

We had so much fun. Laughing, joking, debating all over crappy games of cards where Georgie and I would try and care we'd lost a hand.

E - traipsing around the back yard picking flowers and leaves for her wedding (don't know who to) and K - wanting so much to be the teenager he just isn't yet; that awkward stage between child and teen.

We all had a ball. We all had a late night and we all had a good night. Few too many wines, far too little sleep, but just enough laughs.

Then; the next day.

I hate the next day. I had such good intentions too.

What did I do this weekend??

2008-10-13T05:50:00.003+11:00

We had an utterly delightful weekend here; something that (I felt) was long overdue. No plans, no schedules; just 2 whole days of blissful weather and a backyard.

Friday night was mine. And, as much as I love my family, I crave alone time. Time for me to just listen to my music, potter about, read my cards if the feeling strikes, or go to bed with a good book. That was Friday night.

Saturday was a busy one. From the vegie patch, where I planted out Tomatoes, chillis, capsciums, lettuces, more strawberries, & spinach, up to Bills cage where it got a complete and utter clear out.

Then, it was onto the decking.

Alongside our decking, we have some pretty tall james stirlings that, for reasons unbeknownst to me, have thrived in the rock hard clay ground that is their bed. They are extremely well established. But, when it came time to work out mulch, white pebbles were what we used. Only because normal mulch is so messy, and the fact that the bed was completely viewable whilst on the deck nailed the option. But, I also cut up some polypipe and made it into 'pot art'.

For the last 4 years, they have been orange. Not because I like orange (as a matter of fact it's my least favorite colour); but painting them??

Well. Saturday, I did. And they look pretty cool. In them, I put some impatiens . They will look so pretty against the green!!

Back to the rocks. They are really great (but do NOTHING for the soil) as a mulch; but the bad thing is, all the leaves and stuff the wind picks up leaves them ontop of the stones. Making it look really quite messy.

So, I turned over all the pebbles (trust me, I have a cool right bicep!) to try and get the leaves down to the bottom. Eventually, they will compost, giving their owners some nutrients at the same time. But, geez it came up nicely!!

Then, I went off to work on my pots. The sweet peas that darling Jenn had given me awhile back had finished, so I cut off all the dead bits and just generally tended to the newly forming buds and shoots of my spring pots. I have a few pots on the deck; most of them are double planted; i.e. bulbs etc for different seasons are planted together to get full use of the pots/space and I have colour all round. Some pots hold perennials and some hold little shrubs.

I transplanted my gardenia awhile back and I don't know what is wrong with it. It used to be a beautiful, showy, glossy showpiece; these days it's looking like a dirty, plastic fake plant. I've fed it, I've watered it....on googling, they are apparently pretty hard to keep; so I should consider myself lucky that this was 5 years old!!

Yesterday was much the same as Saturday; but a lot more easy paced. Watered the plants from the washing water, the kids jumped in the spa (which they use as a pool) whilst the car racing was on.

Where was G?? Bathurst. And his team won, so he was pretty happy. And the camera? up there with him; wasted on car racing. ;)

Just a few random thoughts….

2008-10-10T13:52:00.001+11:00

Things are going relatively well at the moment. Nothing riveting is going on.

Apart from losing internet connection that is.

And moving to the farm.

Mum took it as I thought she would. Well. She quietly chuckled when I asked her to anticipate my fathers response, but I think we both know that he'll be ok in time.

So, by the looks, we're doing it. Slowly though; none of this rushing up there and regretting it type stuff. We half aim to be up there when Connor starts school; so 2011. A year to ponder, a year to *do* and then we're off.

Obviously in that time we have many discussions to have, agreements and disagreements included. But, the way I see it, the more we agree/disagree and bring up issues, the more prepared I feel we'll be.

My fathers reaction is probably the biggest thing holding me back. Not in a sense of 'ohmygod I can't do anything because of what my father says' but because it WILL upset him and I don't like upsetting people at the best of times; especially not my dad.

But he'll deal. It just might take a little while.

I will be back soon – hopefully my innerwebs will be fixed shortly.

Beautiful day (weather at least!!)

2008-10-06T06:43:00.004+11:00

It's early(ish) and it's raining. Definately Melbourne; it was an absolutely beautiful day yesterday. Except for two incidents.

#1 - Got the boys up yesterday and wondered why R wasn't bounding out of bed. Assuming he'd done an accident, went in to sort him out.
"Mum, I did an accident" was the first thing he said.
"Ok mate, lets get you up"
"No mum, I did an accident in the toilet"
*suprised* (and wonders how one has an accident in the toilet)

I wander into the toilet, expecting to see a wee that has missed; but noooo. #2. on.the.floor.
Apparently he had a dream. Ace.

#2. Whilst dressing the younger one, R comes in panicking. I thought he was choking, so grabbed him, got down on his level and said 'mate, can you breathe???'

He nodded his head.

Then vomited. All.over.my.face.

Lets hope this week goes better hey?

PS: R seems fine. He's eating, playing, doing all of the normal things so....????