When I say 'control' I do not mean psychotic like control. I mean, in charge of my surroundings, as much as one can be.
I have big issues with control. I like to have it, do not like to lose it and lose my way incredibly easily when I do lose it.
Lately though; I've been losing control of my world; just a teensy bit. The couch cushions have not always been the correct way, and I have even slept well.
It sounds so utterly pathetic when I write it down; but it has been such an ingrained part of me that, now I feel as though I am losing it, I don't quite know which way to look next.
But, I don't feel sick about it. I don't even feel really badly about it. I, rebelliously, am actually liking it.
Obviously there is a line somewhere between utterly controlling and completely uninterested and I don't feel as though I am uninterested. It's not like before, when I was depressed where I didn't care about anything. I *do* care about it; but am not so….life or death about it.
For those who don't know, I have had counselling on and off for many years. My old counsellor has actually retired, I've seen him for so long. 23 years is a long time to have an 'official' psychologist. I do have a new one now, who I tend to see monthly. He thinks it's fantastic that I am learning the ability to let go of things – even just a little bit.
But I'm not quite sure how much I'm prepared to let go yet. Do I just brazenly bugger everything? Or, is it a take it step by step approach? Learn to laugh and let life take it's natural course? Or freak out and try and shove everything somewhere so it appears that I have everything sorted? At the minute, I am kind of in the middle. How do you work it out? Is it just something that comes naturally? Or are you like me, actually having to fight the urge to not control everything?
So, I'm kind of floating around the middle at the minute. Not apathetically, not enthusiastically; just floating about. And I quite like it and want more of it; but my neurotic, controlling nature starts to stir up in my gut and winds me up – 'you haven't done the cushions ORRRRR the folding before a new load of washing today, you're losing the plot, you'll lose control and drown again….by the way, the kids beds aren't made and there's bits and bods evverrrywhereee…you're losing it again Shel….' But, I'm doing my utmost to tell it to jump on it's head. Because, at the end of the day, when I'm dead, it AINT GOING TO MATTER that the beds were made everyday. And G often laughs that he's going to put 'Here lies Shel – she had a clean house' on my headstone. I start to fear that it's all there is of me.
It's a massive day in the world today; Barack Obama is now the official US president. And I am thrilled. It feels like a whole new chapter is ready to be written – for the entire world.
1 comment:
I agree with your psychologist, I think it's great too ;)
I harbour closet desires to be a neat freak but it never works out to be. Perhaps I'm rebelling against my upbringing with a mother who used to feel very much like you describe in regards to maintaining the home.
Or perhaps I'm just lazy ;)
I think you can make more and more and more time for keeping things just how you like it, you can always find things that need to be done around the place. But you can never get back time with your family and friends...
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