Thursday, July 31, 2008

Growing up

G's away job is coming to an end. Three more weeks (at best), and he'll be back full time again.

I have changed so much in the time he's been away. It has been a great time for me to reflect, think; and put my priorities back into place.

It hasn't been incredibly difficult this time - the time has sped by without too much of a drama. Obviously the foot, Him, Craig, work...all of the bumps along the way have happened - but overall, things are good.

I love Winter, but it makes me sad. It's beautiful to watch, but I miss the hours left in the day. I miss a wine out on the deck while the kids play together. I miss steak and salad.

When I look back at it, Grant and I married far too young. I was 23!!! If anyone were to ask if it is a good idea to get married at 23, I'd say no. In a heartbeat.

That is not to say that I am not happy here, or regret my decision - because I don't. Even though I married early, the husband I have is worth his weight in gold (most of the time).

But, you miss so much. I feel as though I missed out on that chance to 'grow up'. I went from a teenager to 'grown up' in a few years. A massive few years, but I think that I went from one to the other without 'growing up'.

Things that I thought mattered so much; don't. Ten years later, things that I had spent the previous ten years worried about, beating myself up about, fretting about - none of it matters. It barely hits the stratosphere. Yet, I worried.

In a way, I feel as though 10 years of my life has been wasted. I spent the last 10 years thinking I had grown up - when really, I hadn't at all.

I know why I married Grant. I don't know if I feel comfortable writing that down just yet; but *I* know. And, I'm lucky; because it could've turned out so differently. But, I *do* love him like a grown up now; and I guess, that is what matters.

My kids. My darling, love till it hurts, passionate, funny, quirky kids. I always knew they were the best thing that ever happened to me; but I never knew why.

Now I know.

I don't talk about them much. I think that's because I don't like to share them. But, I will share today.

Because I'm still a kid (and toy story is OH so cool at this house); the kids and I do a 'thing' at night in bed.

Me (snuggling them down in the bed): 'all nice and warrrrrmmmm???'
C/R: Yeeeeasssssssss
Me: Ok. Love you
C/R: Love you more!
Me: Love YOU more!
C/R: To infinity and beyonddd!!!

That is how I love my kids. To infinity and beyond. That expresses it so much better than any words I could chuck together. It makes my heart bump every time.

I hurt my foot again yesterday. At least it was the other foot this time; and at least it's NOT the shoe.

I think I'm ready. I've probably said that a hundred times already (so much so, that one day, I might go back and label all the times I have said it!!), but I am scared this time. I feel like I am real this time; not just a journal entry.

I think I am finally ready to be a grown up.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


This week has sped by with ridiculous speed; it's all a big blur to be honest.

Craigs funeral was Friday. It was awful; but it was so comforting to see the sea of people whose lives he touched.

People in suits, people in leathers, mothers, daughters, neighbours, workmates, clients. Hundreds.

As we left the service, a sea of people waited for the hearse to take him away. Dead silence. Which, was ironic really, because with a silence that great; Craig would've been the one to break it.

When we got to mum and dads, dad took me around to where our childhood cubby used to be. Where Craig and a few other friends and I formed a 'club'. The Cobras. Why the cobras, I don't remember, but our motto, one that Craig had thought up, was the most poignant thing for me that day.

The motto? Written in blue texta on my fathers garage wall. Now far more sentimental than ever before.

Live or Die.

And by christ did he live.

Rest in Peace Craig. You lived well, laughed often and loved many.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


When we moved house, I was 8. My annoying sister was 5.5. I remember pulling up in the garage and seeing a rough boy sitting on his bike, just looking at us. He was a short, stoutish boy who had a round face, freckles and dirty blond hair.

'Hey' he said. 'You moved in?'

I just nodded. Anyway, he kept talking and eventually, I found out his name was Craig. He lived four doors up (his house was the first house on this estate you know, so he was like ruler of the world), had a brother and a sister. His sister had a horse, which pleased me no end.

Both of our parents got along too, and they are still friends to this day.

Craig introduced me to the wonderful thing that was 'army crawling'. Land and Hyacki were another two.

I will never forget his pale, sorry face when he was sitting next to me in emergency. We'd been playing Hyacki you see, and Craig and I were racing to get to the same hiding spot the quickest. I fell over and hurt my ankle - Craig came with me to emergency because it was 'his fault'. Of course he never said that, but you could just tell he thought that it was.

As we grew older, so did our friendship. His great uncle died when we were 11. That was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. He was devastated. But, only I saw him cry.

We spent hours and hours together after school and in the holidays. Talking rot, ribbing each other and laughing mostly. Although, there was the 'great waterslide incident' of the year when we were 12, and the time the pool got broken because we were doing a hurricane; life was pretty ordinary. But a whole lot of fun.

As we got older, our friendship seemed to change. Between our other neighbours and all of our school friends, time together wasn't so common anymore. Although, I had an incident with a girlfriend who had cheated on him which caused me a broken nose...but, again, it was Craig who tenderly punched it back the right way.

As we got older, we started heading our own ways. Craig went off into his family business and I went off to Bendigo for Uni. We still talked, but not nearly as much and time seemed to just go by so fast.

Our 21sts came and went with promises of catching up and having a drink. We did, a couple of times, but time tended to zip by far too quickly.

He had gotten together with a mutual friend and was so happy he could burst. I'd never seen him like that before and it amazed me that she gave him so MUCH. Although it didn't work out, I'm sure she was in his life to teach him how to show his feelings. He changed after that and turned into a really REALLY nice guy. A little rough around the edges, but nearly perfect.

I got married, and again, Craig was there. He picked on my dress and my dancing; while I poked fun at him in a suit. We danced together, he kissed me and wished me well, and proceeded to seek out my sister.

During this time, We'd pass each other in the street, waving and sometimes stopping for a quick chat. Life had taken on a life of it's own these days and we were turning into those people who only had time for a quick chat.

The kids came and Craig, while still single, was there again. He elbowed my father and kissed my mother. He congratulated G and I and gave me a big hug. He got Riley a Brisbane Lion and promised to show him 'all of lifes ropes'.

Life went on like this for a few years until all of a sudden we heard that his father had died. Of cancer. It was quick, and it was awful. I called Craig and I will never forget those sobs. He didn't want to see anyone, but we talked for awhile, reminiscing about his father and the axe; teaching us golf and scaring the neighbour up the road when we put an ice cream on his windscreen because he stole our basketball.

We went to the funeral of his father and I was so proud of Craig. He was gutted, but stood tall for his dad - and gave his father a beautiful eulogy. I was unable to stay, but promised we'd catch up soon.

They moved out of the house in Mum & Dads street not long after the funeral. I still find it odd that someone else lives there.

Craig & I caught up once more in that time between then and today. For a drink at the local pub. He was happy, he really was. And he was looking forward. He was ready to go on again.

We laughed, we reminisced and we chatted about life in general. And, again, we promised to catch up soon.

But, we can't anymore.

Because Craig died today. An annurism. It was his 31st birthday tomorrow.

There is so much I wish right now and so much loss that it will never be fulfilled. He meant so much to me; and we both took it for granted that the other would always be around to rib and stick fingers in the others ear.

I miss you already. Don't cause too much trouble up there, because I AINT bailing you out again. xxxx

Friday, July 18, 2008

IS number 1 the lonliest number?

Considering I am not walking very well, C is sick, it's raining and G is not coming home this weekend; I'm doing really well. Seriously - I have actually suprised myself.

I enjoy my own company. A.Lot. Some people can't stand being alone - I crave alone time if I don't get it often enough. So, this stretch of G being away was, while hard in some ways, something I nearly looked forward to.

At the minute; from the time the kids go to bed, I am alone. Completely alone. And I love it. I don't call anyone, I don't often do anything - but me, Harvey & the Ipod just potter about. Sometimes, we (read: I and Harvey lays right in the wrong place all the time) clean up rooms, sometimes we bake; other times we just chill out in the lounge and write in my journal (well, I write and he watches). But, I love it. So does our cat. He gets G's half of the bed.


I'm starting to get sick of being my own company. I miss G. Not just anyone, only him. Someone who I can veg out with, laugh with and be 110% entirely myself with. Someone who will laugh at my dramatics and give sound family advice. Someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. Who will get me drinks and comiserate with my sore feet.

I heart G. And I love him to the ends of the earth and back too.

As a complete aside, I found this today and I had a nice old giggle. 'Tis actually rather funny.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

We're plodding along

The snow peas...the snails had a bit of a go at the bottom; I'm suprised they are going so well actually!!
Spinach growing along nicely - we've been picking that most days now.

A photo of ourr broccoli - I'm so excited, it's never worked here before.This here is a new garden bed. It sits underneath our decking; we did have lattice there, but the kids had basically destroyed it when using the backyard as a dogem car track. So, we got rid of the lattice, put some old garden edging we had lying around in, and voila!

Isn't he clever?? But, as an aside, I really need to start learning how to take photos.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Feeling Better

I am feeling much better. G's home & the slap in the face I received off an old dear friend has been what I needed.

I love G being home. It sets it all back in stone again.

We've made a new garden bed. Photos to come when I get the camera.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I can't think of a title today

I don't even know if this entry will make it to 'posted'. I don't know what else to do in an attempt to try and rid myself of this pit that has formed in my gut.

I feel as though I am running one great big 'groundhog day' in my head, and that pit is there when I first wake up, to when I go to sleep at night.

I'm scared to cry; I feel as if I do, I will never stop. But, what I have to cry about isn't that big in the scheme of things. So, why am I caring so much? Because, quite simply, I failed. Big time. And it's a public failure and one that will forever be hung around my neck. People will laugh at it in a few months, yet, bizzarrely, I will still feel that sting of humiliation for a long time after that.

I am being pulled in 18 different directions and, whilst I really don't want to do much; doing anything is a distraction from this sickness and strain.

I wish I was 6 months down the track where none of this would matter. Or, at least, be dealt with hard and fast, like a bandaid, so that I can just move on. But, it appears, no, that is not the way this will come to pass.

In other news, I am looking at changing jobs. Big thing this, given the only real passport out of my current working environment is death (family business). But, even then, I'm scared of not being good enough, or even worse, failing.

I don't want to upset anyone, but lately, it seems that is all I do.

Where have I gone? Where has that sense of purpose, drive and self worth gone?

Holidays, I expect. That's where all the important things & people go right when you need them.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Another week over.....

I am so very glad to see the back end of last week. It was probably one of the top 10 worst weeks for 2008 to date.

But, we're at a whole other week now. We'll see what this one brings.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

All things Science & weather...

For G's birthday, we got him a barometer . We both love our friends one and continously tap it when we go there. I figured that was a little rude, so I got him one.

Trying to initially set the bugger up was rather hard work. I now think I should've probably just left it alone, but noooo - for the first time in my life, I read the instructions. 'Find out the sea level/air pressure of your area, set the thing and whacky doo - you're done'. Yeah.

After 3 weeks of tapping and farting about with it, finally, it appears to be working. It's raining and barometer is pointing to rain!!!
Yay me.

In other news, we went to G's house of opulence a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I am a lazy, good for nothing blogger. Get past it - I have. Anyway. It was his birthday, so we thought we'd pay him a visit.

Whilst he was working on the Saturday, we went to a country Scienceworks-type-place. The kids loved it, and rather abashedly I will add that so did I.

Some photos of my science loving chilluns....
Connor loving the whole 'ooh look, that ball is floating'

And here is Riley making a snowstorm. He was pretty happy with that contraption.

This place also had a vertical slide. Now, to even a 30 year old that sounded shit scary, so I forgave Riley and understood his reluctance completely. Instead, we hung out at the 'Rainbows end' where there were gates and kiddy proofed stuff to go nuts with.

He was mining 'gold'. I wish.

And that's my boy. Putting stuff back where it belongs. He *does* have other genes apart from my height after all!!!!
My broccoli are actually growing!! I'm very pleased, because last year the freaking caterpillars ate most of them. This year, I have been treating them with garlic water (only because it's what I use for aphids and was bored) - and it seems to be working. Given it's mine and Rileys all time favorite vegie, I'm pretty happy.

If it stops raining at some point (I shall check my working barometer prior to the outside though... ;) ) I will take some photos.