Same horse, different rider

Dad's home (again). We now have the fun job of trying to REALLY minimise all sugar; because the lactulose is sugar rich and he needs it, his diet now has to try and compensate for the lactulose. Which means pretty much bugger all sugar in his diet. Oh yes, and low sodium. As in minimal.

He walked out of the hosptial being told to have 'no sugar'. WTF does that mean? How can one have no sugar? His sugar rate today is 19 - and that is with no sugar & one piece of fruit all day; so I think this may be the standard sugar level for him. But, it's all trial and error, just like everything else.

My sister doesn't think I am being fair making him eat porridge for breakfast - he doesn't like it you see. I'm in the 'big shit' camp - *I* don't like him being in hospital either, so we're even. Mum is just fubby dubbying along; so again, it falls to the older responsible one.

I'm hoping to finish my Christmas shopping today. I have never been so unorganised. Usually by this time I have cards ready to send, presents wrapped and can actually do some baking and festive type things; this year I am being dragged by the hair towards December 25 and I cannot stand it. I just want to move house; because you see, I have it in my head right now that life as I know it will come back when I move. Hah.

Packing for the house is going slowly but surely. Most of what we don't need is packed and G is going to start shifting it into the new garage this weekend; we can't really do a heap of that until after Christmas/New year. We're still using a heap of stuff you see, but once I know what is going on for Christmas, I'll be able to pack/sort more stuff.

I'm debating the doctor again; I am starting to have panic attacks, not sleeping and find it difficult to control myself; both in anger and tears. I realise that it's all due to the pressure I am under; but there is very little I can do to ease that pressure. I don't like the idea of 'oh, just take a pill and you'll be fine' - but at the moment, that's all I feel I can give myself. I dont' have time to fall into a hole and I certainly don't have time to work through it all on my own.

Jayne talks about her father ino this post; so much of what she says resonates with me. Watching this strong, fit, stubborn bugger end up a shell of his former self is almost too much to bear; If I had to watch my dog go through this, I'd put him down for his own benefit. Yet, us people, the most important race of all (in our own lunchbox) makes us go through hell and back before we say goodbye. *I* struggle with it - I can't even begin to imagine what Jayne goes through every day.

Lately I have been wishing he'd just die and get it over with. Not for our benefit; but for his. If he remembered that I have seen what I have; he'd be completely devastated. If he knew the street was watching when he got put into the ambulance, it'd kill him. If he heard the sympathy in so many voices asking 'how is he' - he'd be pissed off. If he heard some of the things he has said to us; he'd never look us in the eye again. Living the way he is; it's everything he didn't want. So, why are we all here?

I'll fight for him as long as he wants to fight. But, I think he's giving up; rendering it a hopeless cause. And, it probably is. But the realisation that he is not going to get over this is dawning faster and faster; and that is the hardest part.

2009 was meant to be a good year. So far as I'm concerned it can fuck right off.