So much & so little, all at the same time

Yesterday was a lovely day. Nothing exciting happened, but it felt as thought I am seriously tetering on the edge of a whole new world.

The last 6 months, for me, have been nothing if not interesting. Theres a whole lot that people who read this know, and a whole lot that I haven't posted that has happened; and finally, I think I can say that I've made it through the jungle of fuck-ups - and I think I may have just made it to the other side.

Jenn often talks about chasing the gleam. And, although it's not quite what I mean, the explanation will do for now.

I keep searching for more. More everything. Not stuff, but emotions. Which, in theory, is probably not such a bad thing. Obviously it allows us to question what we have, and use it as a basis for comparison and acceptance. But, last night, in my thoughts, I realised this;

What if I am searching for something that I already have??? What if I am simply not looking hard enough?

So, I did. I thought about the love I feel for my children, the love, loyalty and support I have from my husband. Even the love I have from my dog. The security I have in my home, and the fact that finances are not a huge issue in our house. The fact that I can call my parents, anytime, day or night, about anything (ok, well if I called and Dad answered, he'd say - and has - 'don't panic....I'll put your mother on) and know they will be there. The fact that I have friends, true friends. And I am INCREDIBLY loved. I am INCREDIBLY needed and I am INCREDIBLY valued by many around me.

I often write about how sad I am, or how hard done by I am. And, for the past 20 years, I have been actively trying to step on that part of my persona. It does no one any good, and quite frankly, it's boring. No one needs to hear the self indulging whines that seem to be really easy to hear sometimes.

But, in all the trying not to become a person who is too busy looking backward to see forward - I have become one anyway. And, as usual, the answer is sitting right in front of me.

Having had this revelation, and feeling so wonderful, makes me question the validity of this blog.

Do I need it?

I mean, it's not as if I write for anyone, although I do sometimes talk to those who might be reading it. And, if I don't need it; then what's the point?

For the minute, I am definately keeping it; I like it and I know I will regret it if I push that 'delete' button. But, what this blog started out to be, has finished as something completely different.

For now, I am going to assume that I have everything. Actually, correct that, I am nearly 110% sure that I do. There are things that I want for myself, but now I can see them so much more clearly. I can now see how they are possible.

My self esteem is a big issue in my life; it always has been and always will be. But, instead of simply accepting that 'no, this is NOT possible for someone like you' - I am going to change my thinking a bit. Instead of accepting this voice without question - I am going to challenge it. Not literally, but always assume that it's wrong. Because, if *I* don't know what is possible - how can some stupid inner voice?

This has been a great big disjointed post and I do apologise for that. But, if I didn't get it out, I was going to burst.

So, with a clarity I have never known before, I move forward past the next great challenge of life. And, instead of dreading the next one - I look forward to the challenge.

This section is finished. And, I can finally put it on the bookshelf and add it to the others.