Happy Birthday darling boy

Today, is my firstborns birthday. 6 years ago today, I was up (as I always am) at the hospital, nervous as all get out about having this child. I'd had very little sleep because I'd had gel inserts through the night and I was so wanting them to work. Uh-uh.

At 8am this morning, the drip would be inserted in an attempt to induce it further. Even on full noise, nothing. At 9am, my waters would be broken and it is right here, right here, I swear my body said "right. You want labour?? You've got it. 3.47 hours afterwards, after being 0cms dialated; he was born.

And so began one of the most traumatic things in my life.

Riley was an easy baby in hindsight. At the time though, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Putting up and shutting up when I was as sick as I was; was the dumbest thing I have ever done.

For a long time, I felt as though I had failed. I left the hospital one night because I felt so claustraphobic I couldn't breathe. And, rather than tell someone I wasn't coping; I just left. I was always coming back; but they didn't think I was. I was not ready to be a mother; and not ready to show my complete and utter failure at it to a bunch of midwife strangers who thought they knew better.

But, he's 6 today. The soft soul of mine; the thoughtful, gentle one. The one who will, one day, break one womans heart. The one who will, one day, do anything for his friends. The one who, finally, tries so hard for anything he wants to reach. The one who can't accept failure; rather than fail, he just refuses to start until he knows he can do it.

My mother used to talk about loving my sister and I differently. And me, being niave, wondered how. Now I know.

Connor, I love passionately; angrily almost. He demands it in everything he does. He is passionate by nature. With Riley, I love softly, almost poetically. 'Tread carefully, else you'll tread on my dreams' comes to mind with Riley.

He starts school in two weeks and I am just so proud for him and of him. He's come so very far these last couple of years and tried so very hard to get where he is today. I love him for that. I love him for being the person I want when I am unhappy; the one who sits stroking your hair when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

My deep and meaningful boy.

Happy birthday.