from the edge of the deep green sea

Have you ever had a weekend, night or something that, even though nothing life shattering happens - your heart and mind feel as though they have finally been put back together again? Back in sync with each other and everything starting to flow like it should? That is what this weekend was for me.

I turned 30 on the weekend. It was a weekend of goodbyes, hellos and oh wow; I am baccckkk.

Friday night I was taken out for Nepalese by 7 of my good friends. For my birthday, they had gotten me a candle holder that holds 7 candles - one for each of them. If I were a showing your emotions in public kinda gal, I'd have cried. It was such a thoughtful gift, and one I will treasure.

Saturday morning. Turbulence a-plenty. But, whilst the turbulence itself wasn't a big deal - my reaction to it was.

If you know me, you will know I am not a crier. I don't cry. I keep all that sort of thing hidden, for when I am alone. Anger, injustice etc - all I can do quite well in public; but get me even the teensiest bit vulnerable - and I am outta there. So, it even suprised me to realise that I was crying with such force, with such....purpose - in front of people. I sobbed like my heart would break and I sobbed some more. I could barely breathe for crying - but, when I did finally stop - I felt renewed. I haven't felt that way in an awfully long time and I will cherish that feeling - because it is a nice way to feel.

Having saturday afternoon to myself was pretty special too. I am not one for big parties and blow outs - I am an intensely private person and spend a great deal of my downtime alone through choice. So, to have a house, a bottle of red and beautiful music playing in the background was blissful.

Being 30 obviously makes you account for your decisions to date, as I wrote about earlier; but this wonderful cold uninviting Saturday afternoon gave me the perfect opportunity to clean out my room. I think this song is just simply beautiful; and it was on repeat quite a bit throughout the afternoon.

Cleaning out a room on your birthday???? I hear you wonder. Well, not quite. I have had a few "iss-ewes" that are many years old; and with my counsellor have always used the term "cleaning out my room" when I sort out my headspace. Because, for anything new to fit into a bedroom, there must be room for it. And, nothing new will fit into a bedroom if it is filled to the brim with crap. So, cleaning my room is something that, I find, cleansing.

I said goodbye to a lot of things that afternoon. That little girl lost who was looking for prince charming - the one who would chase all the dragons away. That perception that everyone else is perfect and I am this severely lacking creature that deserves little more than pity. That missing link that I used to believe was stamped on my forehead for all to see. Those wounds, created by (with hindsight) my own silly self. I said goodbye to all those silly ideals, those ridiculous pipe dreams, and that sense of failure that I seem to have carried with me throughout my life.

I also forgave a great deal. All those people who, for their own reasons, hurt me immeasurably. Myself, for hurting those who I have hurt along the way. Myself, again, for not trusting myself.

I feel whole again. Like my mind and my heart are working in conjunction with one another again. I feel as though I have come a full circle.

This week is the end of life as I know it. Not because anything is going to happen, but because it's the end of Shel that was. That confused, lonely, sad and lost little girl, appears to have found herself a liferaft that she never knew existed - and found a strength that everyone else can see but her.

Happy birthday to me. I gave myself the best present of all. Me.