I can't think of a title today

I don't even know if this entry will make it to 'posted'. I don't know what else to do in an attempt to try and rid myself of this pit that has formed in my gut.

I feel as though I am running one great big 'groundhog day' in my head, and that pit is there when I first wake up, to when I go to sleep at night.

I'm scared to cry; I feel as if I do, I will never stop. But, what I have to cry about isn't that big in the scheme of things. So, why am I caring so much? Because, quite simply, I failed. Big time. And it's a public failure and one that will forever be hung around my neck. People will laugh at it in a few months, yet, bizzarrely, I will still feel that sting of humiliation for a long time after that.

I am being pulled in 18 different directions and, whilst I really don't want to do much; doing anything is a distraction from this sickness and strain.

I wish I was 6 months down the track where none of this would matter. Or, at least, be dealt with hard and fast, like a bandaid, so that I can just move on. But, it appears, no, that is not the way this will come to pass.

In other news, I am looking at changing jobs. Big thing this, given the only real passport out of my current working environment is death (family business). But, even then, I'm scared of not being good enough, or even worse, failing.

I don't want to upset anyone, but lately, it seems that is all I do.

Where have I gone? Where has that sense of purpose, drive and self worth gone?

Holidays, I expect. That's where all the important things & people go right when you need them.