How it feels to be new

I didn't intend on this entry being a great big 'blah'; but there is some stuff I would like to get down.

It's quite bizarre when you look back at your life - I mean really look back and see where you've come and why you took this path. When looked at objectively, through an adults eyes, how much of what you thought was the case; really wasn't?

I am going through some old baggage. 'Cleaning out my bedroom' so to speak. And, I don't think I've done it this thoroughly for a long time; if ever.

My journal is brimming with bits and pieces. Things that, for awhile, I'd forgotten about. Well, not forgotten; just pushed to the back.

And re-reading all of this has really been cathartic. Just reading the words, as though they were not mine, has taught me a considerable amount in such a short time. And, while I've got a lot of work to do, I can nearly put my hand on it.

I don't think I've ever written with such complete abandon before. Not even here. I think I would've started here; but so many people I know read this. I couldn't bear for all my insecurities and vulnerabilities to be made so....public? So, I talk in riddles and waffle around the point here; but when I reflect back through here, I know exactly what I am talking about (even if you guys don't! :) ).

I feel as though I am building up to something big. Not literally, and not earth shattering; but something different in my mindset.

Everything that is floating around in my head is starting to want to pull together to form a whole. And all I don't want seems to be hanging on more and more precariously.

If I were to write down the person I would want to be and what attributes I have, it would probably look something like;

I want to be a person whom is genuine. No cloak and daggers, someone who sticks to her guns and says what she means and means what she says. Compassionate, a good friend and all round decent person.

Caring, kind, sense of humor, ethical, strong willed & wise. Fit, healthy, together. I don't have big aspirations to be pretty or beautiful or any of that rot; I want beneath the surface to count. Obviously the weight loss thing is a 'on the surface' thing; but the results of such weight loss will provide me with so many more opportunities internally.

Funny though; when I write all that down, I picture someone like my friend Lex saying that she thinks I'm already all of the above. But the most important person to me doesn't quite agree yet. But, she will.