Learning to be a grown up.

I used to wonder how older people didn't feel older. They always said "I felt the same way as I did when I was 16".

Now, I still don't consider myself old. Yet, I relate completely to that. I am older, wiser (that would be questionable at the minute) and more experienced in life; yet, I still feel the same me as I was when I was younger.

I always thought that one day, I would just wake up and be an adult. "All growned up" so to speak. But, that switch hasn't flipped. Is it meant to? Do you wake up one day and feel like you're a grown up? Because, if that is the case, mine is broken.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I, me, am the mother of 2 children. It sounds so bizarre. That I am in charge of creating these beings; that I am in charge of teaching them everything that encumbers a person that I want so much for them to be. I don't want to be in charge of teaching them religion; I personally don't believe in any of it, but obviously, if they are interested, then we can find out together. I don't want to teach them how to count, and that you need to put your seatbelt on before we leave, and that you simply must share with your brother.

I want to teach them about right and wrong towards themselves and others. How to like yourself and be proud of everything you have accomplished, without that resounding arrogance that is alive and well. That, they will fail sometimes. But, for every failure is another possible lesson - that no failure is a failure if you have learnt from it. That, taking a chance is okay; because I will always be there to help them if they fall.

I don't want to teach them about savings and responsibility (although, obviously I will). I want to teach them about being true to themselves, loving themselves, and loving like you have never loved before. To get through heartache; to love and lose. The joy and happiness that comes when you are true to yourself. In whatever they do, so long as they care and are passionate - I don't care what they do. How to be happy.

I want to teach them that we, as a race, are not the be all and end all; and that our arrogance is destroying us. That arrogance is not a great trait to have in any form; that love, trust and compassion are worth far more. That, our animals and our environment are just as important as us (if not more so); and as such, deserve the same respect and care we give ourselves.

I want to teach them all of this - but how can I teach them when I don't know the answers myself? I fumble through as best I can; but I have no idea if any way is the right way; let alone mine!

All I can do is teach them what I know to be true. Not from books or theories or what should happen - but what I feel, in my heart, is right. And let them take from that what they will.

I hope so much I don't destroy them.

For those who have posted comments - Lex, Melissa, Lenny, Jenn - I am fine. Truly. Sometimes, I get lost in my headspace and forget to be a grown up. I am a grown up again; albeit reluctantly.